Just count to three and jump...
It has been some time since I wrote in this thing, and I almost wasn't going to write in it now. Heck I don't even know if anyone reads it anymore, but I'm kinda hoping they don't becuase I'm just getting some stuff off my chest.
I go home in two days. I'm terrified. But I'm also so excited. Let me explain. See the last time I went home, which was for Easter weekend, I got to hang out with Patrick and Eric which I always do, so it was normal. Only this time it wasn't normal. I have liked Pat for a long time, but I never said anything. Not to anyone. Not even Allison, and especially not Fay. I was scared becuase Fay liked him once, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and I didn't know if he was even interested anyway. I mean I thought he liked me, at least I hoped he did. Every time I went home we flirted just a little more, sat a little closer, hugged a little longer. I felt like I was 12 again. If I went home for the weekend, I knew that at 1am I could call Pat and tell him to come hang out with me, and he would drive twenty minutes to watch TV and almost pass out. If I wanted to hang out with him, he never acted like it was too far out of the way, even if there was a party by him and he had to drive all the way from Pompano to get me, and then take me home later.
Anyway, last time I went home and Jamie came with me, and Pat, Eric, Jamie, and I all went to the hot tub in Pat's area. While we there we had so much fun, just hanging out, getting into an ice fight, drinking a few beers, and then everything was different. I realized that I had been holding Pat's hand and didn't even know it. We went back to his house and we were all kinda sprawled in the living room, Jamie and eric took over the couch, and I was cold so I sat in Pat's lap in the easy chair becuase he was keeping me warm. We were all talking and slowly everyone got tired and started to drift off. Then I felt him Kiss my shoulder. I wasn't sure if he did, so I let it go. But then he kissed my back. It was now or never. It was the moment where I decided to turn around, or pretend I didn't notice. I have never been so nervous before, and that's not to say I haven't kissed a good number of boys in my day. It was like my heart was beating a thousand times a minute and this kiss would be so different. It was Pat. What if it was just the beer? What would happen after this? Was it worth it to kiss him just to go home? What if he didn't feel the same way? What if he did? What if... But I turned anyway. It wasn't like a movie or a book. It wasn't some huge fireworks romantice affiar. In fact, it was perfect. We were both unsure, and a bit slow to make the move. It was like we were both trying to edge closer without it being obvious. And then all at once, I was kissing Pat, and it was wonderful. After a minute I relaized that it was 5am and Easter, so I regretably woke Jamie to go home. But someone was lookin out upstairs, because cooincidentally Jamie had lost her keys, and we couldn't leave. Pat and I cuddled up in his bed and he told me that he had wanted to kiss me for a long time, but was afraid that we were just friends. He said so many things that were exactly the things I was thinking. In the morning we found Jamie's keys and left, and drove back to Gainesville that night. I have talked to him every day and we text eachother at odd hours just becuase.
But now I'm going home for ten days, and so many things scare me. I'm scared becuase the rules are so different here. He is my good friend, and I'm not so much scared of me getting hurt, as hurting him. I would never want to do anything to hurt him. I'm scared that there is more pressure to make it wonderful becuase it's only ten days. I'm scared because what if it is wonderful, and I come back to Gainesville sad? Nothing can come of it, it's just not plausible. He lives four hours away, and it's not like we have an established relationship to work off of. It's just going to have to be what it is. Something nice that only happens when it can. But that scares me too. I'm not saying I'm in love with Patrick or anything like that, but I do love him, he's my friend. I care about him and miss him when he's not around. The idea that he can only be mine sometimes, and that I know there must be other girls is sad. But at the same time, becuase I care about him I would never put him in a position to commit to me and not see me, but not see other girls. And I know I wouldn't be able to commit to him. It's just so sad. Of course I'm also terrified of other things... I mean obviously we aren't going to just kiss for ten days, and thats nerve racking. What if he's not impressed? Or what if it's crazy and amazing? I mean all these things are just flying through my head and I just don't really know what to with them all. Yes I sound crazy. Yes I probably am. No, I am not obsessing over him, I just needed to get all this out of my system at once so that I could go home and simply be happy.
I feel better now.
I go home in two days. I'm terrified. But I'm also so excited. Let me explain. See the last time I went home, which was for Easter weekend, I got to hang out with Patrick and Eric which I always do, so it was normal. Only this time it wasn't normal. I have liked Pat for a long time, but I never said anything. Not to anyone. Not even Allison, and especially not Fay. I was scared becuase Fay liked him once, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and I didn't know if he was even interested anyway. I mean I thought he liked me, at least I hoped he did. Every time I went home we flirted just a little more, sat a little closer, hugged a little longer. I felt like I was 12 again. If I went home for the weekend, I knew that at 1am I could call Pat and tell him to come hang out with me, and he would drive twenty minutes to watch TV and almost pass out. If I wanted to hang out with him, he never acted like it was too far out of the way, even if there was a party by him and he had to drive all the way from Pompano to get me, and then take me home later.
Anyway, last time I went home and Jamie came with me, and Pat, Eric, Jamie, and I all went to the hot tub in Pat's area. While we there we had so much fun, just hanging out, getting into an ice fight, drinking a few beers, and then everything was different. I realized that I had been holding Pat's hand and didn't even know it. We went back to his house and we were all kinda sprawled in the living room, Jamie and eric took over the couch, and I was cold so I sat in Pat's lap in the easy chair becuase he was keeping me warm. We were all talking and slowly everyone got tired and started to drift off. Then I felt him Kiss my shoulder. I wasn't sure if he did, so I let it go. But then he kissed my back. It was now or never. It was the moment where I decided to turn around, or pretend I didn't notice. I have never been so nervous before, and that's not to say I haven't kissed a good number of boys in my day. It was like my heart was beating a thousand times a minute and this kiss would be so different. It was Pat. What if it was just the beer? What would happen after this? Was it worth it to kiss him just to go home? What if he didn't feel the same way? What if he did? What if... But I turned anyway. It wasn't like a movie or a book. It wasn't some huge fireworks romantice affiar. In fact, it was perfect. We were both unsure, and a bit slow to make the move. It was like we were both trying to edge closer without it being obvious. And then all at once, I was kissing Pat, and it was wonderful. After a minute I relaized that it was 5am and Easter, so I regretably woke Jamie to go home. But someone was lookin out upstairs, because cooincidentally Jamie had lost her keys, and we couldn't leave. Pat and I cuddled up in his bed and he told me that he had wanted to kiss me for a long time, but was afraid that we were just friends. He said so many things that were exactly the things I was thinking. In the morning we found Jamie's keys and left, and drove back to Gainesville that night. I have talked to him every day and we text eachother at odd hours just becuase.
But now I'm going home for ten days, and so many things scare me. I'm scared becuase the rules are so different here. He is my good friend, and I'm not so much scared of me getting hurt, as hurting him. I would never want to do anything to hurt him. I'm scared that there is more pressure to make it wonderful becuase it's only ten days. I'm scared because what if it is wonderful, and I come back to Gainesville sad? Nothing can come of it, it's just not plausible. He lives four hours away, and it's not like we have an established relationship to work off of. It's just going to have to be what it is. Something nice that only happens when it can. But that scares me too. I'm not saying I'm in love with Patrick or anything like that, but I do love him, he's my friend. I care about him and miss him when he's not around. The idea that he can only be mine sometimes, and that I know there must be other girls is sad. But at the same time, becuase I care about him I would never put him in a position to commit to me and not see me, but not see other girls. And I know I wouldn't be able to commit to him. It's just so sad. Of course I'm also terrified of other things... I mean obviously we aren't going to just kiss for ten days, and thats nerve racking. What if he's not impressed? Or what if it's crazy and amazing? I mean all these things are just flying through my head and I just don't really know what to with them all. Yes I sound crazy. Yes I probably am. No, I am not obsessing over him, I just needed to get all this out of my system at once so that I could go home and simply be happy.
I feel better now.