(no subject)
Hello again. I haven't written in a while.. but then again.. this is nothing new.. it is getting harder and harder for me to find time to sit down and just sort out that jumbled mess of thoughts that constantly plauges my mind.. For the most part things are as stable as ever.. the usual pains in the ass are always there..
I find my self more or less looking for my lost serinity i once had.. the pleasure in small things and small accomplishments i use to give my self a pat on the back for, I've begun to seek out people to give me a pat on the back or a kick in the pants for what i did and how i did it.Growing up I would look for my father to say good job jess. im proud of u .. i would look for it every day and in everything i did.. no matter how much of reality i knew... I knew he wouldn't pay a seconds attention to what i had done or what i was doing. No, to busy.. work came first.. my older brother second, my younger brother third.. work then came agian..since Ive moved out, things have changed undoubtedly. my dad makes and effort to call and ask me questions.. yea.. they do deal with my job and how i can help him. but the thing is he is calling me.. out of his children he picks up the phone and calls me. He doesn't even call his own mother for help. But he calls me. laws of karma may say i shouldn't worry with it.. to little to late. I dont know all i know is im starting to feel like i did when i was 6 and my dad would have me on his shoulders and tell me to reach for the sky and fly.. in his own way
I dont understand what makes one look back to see what happened to us a number of years ago, or why we compare it to who we are now. all i know is i kinda wanna thank my dad for not complimenting me all the time or well at all that i knew of. So yea im depentant on myself, and im learning to let others lend a hand. as much of a bitch as i seem to be when someone can help me with something i couldn't do. i need to learn to let go . just enough to say thank u with out me beating myself up for it and making them feel like shit for doing it.
I find my self more or less looking for my lost serinity i once had.. the pleasure in small things and small accomplishments i use to give my self a pat on the back for, I've begun to seek out people to give me a pat on the back or a kick in the pants for what i did and how i did it.Growing up I would look for my father to say good job jess. im proud of u .. i would look for it every day and in everything i did.. no matter how much of reality i knew... I knew he wouldn't pay a seconds attention to what i had done or what i was doing. No, to busy.. work came first.. my older brother second, my younger brother third.. work then came agian..since Ive moved out, things have changed undoubtedly. my dad makes and effort to call and ask me questions.. yea.. they do deal with my job and how i can help him. but the thing is he is calling me.. out of his children he picks up the phone and calls me. He doesn't even call his own mother for help. But he calls me. laws of karma may say i shouldn't worry with it.. to little to late. I dont know all i know is im starting to feel like i did when i was 6 and my dad would have me on his shoulders and tell me to reach for the sky and fly.. in his own way
I dont understand what makes one look back to see what happened to us a number of years ago, or why we compare it to who we are now. all i know is i kinda wanna thank my dad for not complimenting me all the time or well at all that i knew of. So yea im depentant on myself, and im learning to let others lend a hand. as much of a bitch as i seem to be when someone can help me with something i couldn't do. i need to learn to let go . just enough to say thank u with out me beating myself up for it and making them feel like shit for doing it.