Writing the night away...
My Kingdom
We met for the first time tonight, the other me and I. And as we ordered our drinks, she looks at me with blue green eyes and said;
"Do you truly know how unhappy you make me Liz?"
I frowned, paid the bartender with my last twenty, and took her hand. We walked over to our usual bargaining table, sat down, and as i light a cigarette I mumbled
"Do not be afraid my twin, I will not hurt you Zil"
Her eyes shone with the emotion that she was using the liquor to hide, and biting her lip to keep control. Then she smiled and diverted her eyes as if shed heard it all before. And maybe she had. I have no new lines to feed the other me. She knows them all by heart. She is not a body keeping my bed warm. Nor another drag from my menthol cigarette. She is not here to comfort me. She is the part of me I hide. I tuck away inside and tell lies my entire life. I promised her many things for the last 20 years of silence. Like a mother brides her only child with a trip to the toystore after church, as long as she behaves. I've told her and bought her and showed her too too too many times how easy it is for me to lie.
"I will not back down this time my dear" She says as she stands strong but very much intoxicated.
She never could hold her drink. But that is not what worries me tonight. Tonight I look into her ocean eyes and fear. Because this time I know she will not back down. Nor be bought with another bloody mary or another night spend with forced self-love. You see, if the other me were a sin, she would be glutony. And for the price of over-eating, over-sleeping, over-drinking, over-fucking she can be made invisible. She will allow the ballgag to to remain in place as long as you fuck her. She will allow herself to be tucked into the dark closet at the end of the hall as long as your bring her seven course meals on silvers platters. She will stand for a lot. Actually until now, she has stood for everything I've thrown at her. She has allowed me to remain on top without a fight. To own her, to enslave her, to beat her into submission. And shes loved every minute of it because for every step I take, I have to give her more of what she wants.
"Ima not asking you to back down Zil, simply asking you to allow me to remain in control of this body. You know your not what she needs." I speak slowly and directly hoping to appeal to her sense of right over wrong. But in all reality I try anything, say anything to keep control.
She brings many things into my life, but they all come with a price. A pint of blood and a pound of flesh taken from anywhere she wants, as long as it doesn't kill the body. I stopped thinking, stopped writing a long time ago. The moment I realized she could hear every word. Often I feel her sitting in the back of my head laughing, but only I can hear her. And she laughs and she drinks and she fucks with me. Because I will not allow her to do anything else. So she sits, tied to a chair with ropes made of hair and she mocks me openly. Until I meet her needs. She screams and it echoes inside my head, causing headaches to arise. She cries and my nose runs. She struggles and my throat burns. She is inside of me. She isn't evil really. Not in the true sense of the word. More like a spoiled child whose always been bribed into being good. And the second you take away her toys she pouts and throws a fit that not even a two year old could top.
"I cant do that, come on Liz. You know you've been losing control for months. Just let me have my turn." She sighs
She's still sitting across from me, her right hand in mine, and her left clutching her glass for dear life. She begs me to release her in this crowded bar. She promises me that if I let her take over we both will be satisfied. She hears me think the word satisfied and rolls her eyes.
"Oh! So much more than that my love, so much more than that" She says as she lifts her drink to toast me, correction toast her.
And I am so tempted to allow her to rule this kingdom that is my body. After all I've fucked up and she promises me absolution. All I have to do is hand her the crown, bow to her will, and kiss her feet and she will fix it all. Do I dare?
I raise me glass to toast her back and open my mouth to say something but remain silent instead. I have so many questions and I want to make her show me the plan one page at a time before I agree to anything. But I know that's not her style. She wants full and absolute control or nothing at all. She will no longer play these games with me. She will no long allow me to rule. She will overthrow me and fight to the death rather than let me refuse to stepdown. She will not fight for dominance. She simply will be dominant. Its that simple to her.
"Do you know what your doing?" I ask her as I slowly exhale the smoke from my very last cigarette.
"Did you?" She returns my serve as if we are playing table tennis.
She starts to take a sip but changes her mind and speaks again; "Never mind, I already know the answer to that. OF course not! All you've done for the last six months is sit around feeling sorry for yourself, eating, sleeping, and watching t. You have accomplished nothing. You haven't been on an interview in two weeks, nor have you been on a single date since that girl broke your heart. You never stepped up. You never ruled this kingdom. You only allowed it to survive. It never had a chance to flourish under you. You were too scared, to depressed, too angered to do anything with the last 1/2 of a year of your life. And I can not stand back and allow it to happen anymore. I just simply can not take the pleasure you give me and remain silent. Ima sick of you, and I will not stand for it anylonger." She stands up suddenly, spilling her drink all over the table and rips the chain from around my neck.
"You don't deserve to wear this!!" She screams as she refastens it around her own pale neck, moving her long brown hair out of the way and smiling down at it quickly.
"This pendant is a symbol of life, of love, of happiness. And you, my dear dear sister are not doing any of the above! I can not watch this disaster anymore. I can not late laziness or pleasure rule our world."
She walks to the bar to get another drink, still rambling,"I can not allow you to get eaten up inside by this poison you keep ingesting.This self hate, this self loathing. She cocks her head to the side, takes a large swallow of her new drink, and laughs at her own alcoholic irony.
I simply sit in my chair, staring at her, because I can not argue with her words. She speaks the truth this time. I have let our kingdom down. I have failed. And as I'm about to say so, I feel this shift in the air. The earth moves violently, the waters flood the lands, the air vibrates, the clocks spin time out of control. And suddenly all is dark. I wake up in the closet, awaiting the bribes she now brings me to remain silent at night. She hands me a lighter and a pack of cigarettes as she shuts the door and begins her rule as queen. As the light fades I hear her singsong " I'll see you again next week my dear" and then all I hear is laughter...
Liz Staten
04/27/05
We met for the first time tonight, the other me and I. And as we ordered our drinks, she looks at me with blue green eyes and said;
"Do you truly know how unhappy you make me Liz?"
I frowned, paid the bartender with my last twenty, and took her hand. We walked over to our usual bargaining table, sat down, and as i light a cigarette I mumbled
"Do not be afraid my twin, I will not hurt you Zil"
Her eyes shone with the emotion that she was using the liquor to hide, and biting her lip to keep control. Then she smiled and diverted her eyes as if shed heard it all before. And maybe she had. I have no new lines to feed the other me. She knows them all by heart. She is not a body keeping my bed warm. Nor another drag from my menthol cigarette. She is not here to comfort me. She is the part of me I hide. I tuck away inside and tell lies my entire life. I promised her many things for the last 20 years of silence. Like a mother brides her only child with a trip to the toystore after church, as long as she behaves. I've told her and bought her and showed her too too too many times how easy it is for me to lie.
"I will not back down this time my dear" She says as she stands strong but very much intoxicated.
She never could hold her drink. But that is not what worries me tonight. Tonight I look into her ocean eyes and fear. Because this time I know she will not back down. Nor be bought with another bloody mary or another night spend with forced self-love. You see, if the other me were a sin, she would be glutony. And for the price of over-eating, over-sleeping, over-drinking, over-fucking she can be made invisible. She will allow the ballgag to to remain in place as long as you fuck her. She will allow herself to be tucked into the dark closet at the end of the hall as long as your bring her seven course meals on silvers platters. She will stand for a lot. Actually until now, she has stood for everything I've thrown at her. She has allowed me to remain on top without a fight. To own her, to enslave her, to beat her into submission. And shes loved every minute of it because for every step I take, I have to give her more of what she wants.
"Ima not asking you to back down Zil, simply asking you to allow me to remain in control of this body. You know your not what she needs." I speak slowly and directly hoping to appeal to her sense of right over wrong. But in all reality I try anything, say anything to keep control.
She brings many things into my life, but they all come with a price. A pint of blood and a pound of flesh taken from anywhere she wants, as long as it doesn't kill the body. I stopped thinking, stopped writing a long time ago. The moment I realized she could hear every word. Often I feel her sitting in the back of my head laughing, but only I can hear her. And she laughs and she drinks and she fucks with me. Because I will not allow her to do anything else. So she sits, tied to a chair with ropes made of hair and she mocks me openly. Until I meet her needs. She screams and it echoes inside my head, causing headaches to arise. She cries and my nose runs. She struggles and my throat burns. She is inside of me. She isn't evil really. Not in the true sense of the word. More like a spoiled child whose always been bribed into being good. And the second you take away her toys she pouts and throws a fit that not even a two year old could top.
"I cant do that, come on Liz. You know you've been losing control for months. Just let me have my turn." She sighs
She's still sitting across from me, her right hand in mine, and her left clutching her glass for dear life. She begs me to release her in this crowded bar. She promises me that if I let her take over we both will be satisfied. She hears me think the word satisfied and rolls her eyes.
"Oh! So much more than that my love, so much more than that" She says as she lifts her drink to toast me, correction toast her.
And I am so tempted to allow her to rule this kingdom that is my body. After all I've fucked up and she promises me absolution. All I have to do is hand her the crown, bow to her will, and kiss her feet and she will fix it all. Do I dare?
I raise me glass to toast her back and open my mouth to say something but remain silent instead. I have so many questions and I want to make her show me the plan one page at a time before I agree to anything. But I know that's not her style. She wants full and absolute control or nothing at all. She will no longer play these games with me. She will no long allow me to rule. She will overthrow me and fight to the death rather than let me refuse to stepdown. She will not fight for dominance. She simply will be dominant. Its that simple to her.
"Do you know what your doing?" I ask her as I slowly exhale the smoke from my very last cigarette.
"Did you?" She returns my serve as if we are playing table tennis.
She starts to take a sip but changes her mind and speaks again; "Never mind, I already know the answer to that. OF course not! All you've done for the last six months is sit around feeling sorry for yourself, eating, sleeping, and watching t. You have accomplished nothing. You haven't been on an interview in two weeks, nor have you been on a single date since that girl broke your heart. You never stepped up. You never ruled this kingdom. You only allowed it to survive. It never had a chance to flourish under you. You were too scared, to depressed, too angered to do anything with the last 1/2 of a year of your life. And I can not stand back and allow it to happen anymore. I just simply can not take the pleasure you give me and remain silent. Ima sick of you, and I will not stand for it anylonger." She stands up suddenly, spilling her drink all over the table and rips the chain from around my neck.
"You don't deserve to wear this!!" She screams as she refastens it around her own pale neck, moving her long brown hair out of the way and smiling down at it quickly.
"This pendant is a symbol of life, of love, of happiness. And you, my dear dear sister are not doing any of the above! I can not watch this disaster anymore. I can not late laziness or pleasure rule our world."
She walks to the bar to get another drink, still rambling,"I can not allow you to get eaten up inside by this poison you keep ingesting.This self hate, this self loathing. She cocks her head to the side, takes a large swallow of her new drink, and laughs at her own alcoholic irony.
I simply sit in my chair, staring at her, because I can not argue with her words. She speaks the truth this time. I have let our kingdom down. I have failed. And as I'm about to say so, I feel this shift in the air. The earth moves violently, the waters flood the lands, the air vibrates, the clocks spin time out of control. And suddenly all is dark. I wake up in the closet, awaiting the bribes she now brings me to remain silent at night. She hands me a lighter and a pack of cigarettes as she shuts the door and begins her rule as queen. As the light fades I hear her singsong " I'll see you again next week my dear" and then all I hear is laughter...
Liz Staten
04/27/05