Breaaaaaaaaaaaakdown....
Its been a hard week...
I looked into her eyes, felt her arms around me, and my soul just broke. Until then I had only cried in small doses. I had only mourned in a small peice of my heart. It still hadnt become real in my mind. Because she was still there. She still holds me, she still kisses me, she still loves me, she still spends time with me, she still talks to me, she still eats the same thing at the same sushi place we use to go at the same time every week. Nothing had seemed to change, so why dismiss the denial? Why admit that anything has changed when it hasnt really?? The only thing gone is the title, the only thing gone was her faithfulness, the only thing gone was her heart and soul. But I just kept living in the 4% of my life that I could deal with. But that day, that day I looked at her and knew that I couldnt keep doing this. I still love her, I still cherish her, I still want to be with her, i still imagine my life with her. However, i know she does not. I know that, the denial has been struck down, (small smile) and the sadness is running rampart. I totally feel apart. I sobed and screamed and moaned and broke down into a shell of the person I always try to be. I just couldnt get ahold of myself. It was sickening, and yet so freeing. I felt like I knew what I had to do, I knew that I had to let go of all that i was keeping inside. I had to cry, I had to come to terms with the fact that she doesnt love me anymore and that she just wants to not be alone. I had to come to terms with the fact she just wants to be peted, and loved, and given attention without any strings attached. She wants her cake and eat it too, as the saying goes, its really true. she doesnt want me, but she doesnt want anyone else to have me. She keeps saying how great she thinks it is that Im "untouched" and how hot and sexy I am. And of course, i eat it up with a spoon. I still love her, what else can I say?? But anyway, after I got myself together, i wiped away the tears and the gross mucuss the always seems to apear when you spend a great deal of time crying, and I looked at her. I told her how much it hurt me to keep pretending like nothing had changed, and how it hurt me inside to love her and not be loved in return. I told her how unfair it was to me, and how i just couldnt do it anymore. I told her she needed to do some soul searching and give me a call when she knows what she really really wants. What she choices is up to her, and I know that, but I can not keep living in that tiny spot in my head where everything is fine and were still togther. I just cant....
Since then, I havent heard from her at all, I dont know if I ever will again. And if thats what she wants, then thats fine. I understand, but i will never stop loving her, just as a tiny part of me has never stoped loving joe. I really believe that if you truly really love someone, a tiny peice of your heart and soul will always belong to them....
SO yeah, thats whats mostly going on right now...had a huge emotional breakdown and now im hidding out in my apartment alone again. Just need some time to recover. I'll be ok....
I looked into her eyes, felt her arms around me, and my soul just broke. Until then I had only cried in small doses. I had only mourned in a small peice of my heart. It still hadnt become real in my mind. Because she was still there. She still holds me, she still kisses me, she still loves me, she still spends time with me, she still talks to me, she still eats the same thing at the same sushi place we use to go at the same time every week. Nothing had seemed to change, so why dismiss the denial? Why admit that anything has changed when it hasnt really?? The only thing gone is the title, the only thing gone was her faithfulness, the only thing gone was her heart and soul. But I just kept living in the 4% of my life that I could deal with. But that day, that day I looked at her and knew that I couldnt keep doing this. I still love her, I still cherish her, I still want to be with her, i still imagine my life with her. However, i know she does not. I know that, the denial has been struck down, (small smile) and the sadness is running rampart. I totally feel apart. I sobed and screamed and moaned and broke down into a shell of the person I always try to be. I just couldnt get ahold of myself. It was sickening, and yet so freeing. I felt like I knew what I had to do, I knew that I had to let go of all that i was keeping inside. I had to cry, I had to come to terms with the fact that she doesnt love me anymore and that she just wants to not be alone. I had to come to terms with the fact she just wants to be peted, and loved, and given attention without any strings attached. She wants her cake and eat it too, as the saying goes, its really true. she doesnt want me, but she doesnt want anyone else to have me. She keeps saying how great she thinks it is that Im "untouched" and how hot and sexy I am. And of course, i eat it up with a spoon. I still love her, what else can I say?? But anyway, after I got myself together, i wiped away the tears and the gross mucuss the always seems to apear when you spend a great deal of time crying, and I looked at her. I told her how much it hurt me to keep pretending like nothing had changed, and how it hurt me inside to love her and not be loved in return. I told her how unfair it was to me, and how i just couldnt do it anymore. I told her she needed to do some soul searching and give me a call when she knows what she really really wants. What she choices is up to her, and I know that, but I can not keep living in that tiny spot in my head where everything is fine and were still togther. I just cant....
Since then, I havent heard from her at all, I dont know if I ever will again. And if thats what she wants, then thats fine. I understand, but i will never stop loving her, just as a tiny part of me has never stoped loving joe. I really believe that if you truly really love someone, a tiny peice of your heart and soul will always belong to them....
SO yeah, thats whats mostly going on right now...had a huge emotional breakdown and now im hidding out in my apartment alone again. Just need some time to recover. I'll be ok....