The sex-positive response
Not locking this because it's really important. Here's something I wrote to a guy who runs one of my favourite porn Tumblrs. He expressed great distress about the fact that he might be perpetuating abuse, when IRL, he said he really respected women and wanted equal partners. He presumed most women in the pictures had got into porn through some abusive, sexist experiences. (That happens, but I think a lot of that is changing nowadays, and there's so much arty porn there that I doubt the chicks in that are just victims--and like I will mention later, for a lot of women, this sort of thing and/or kinky sex can mean reclaiming one's own sexuality.) It's all still very problematic, but here's my take on it.
Hiya,
Here goes; the longer answer. Basically, I just wanted to write to you to absolve you of at least some of the guilt. It's really remarkable that you even have guilt and worry about these things, whereas most guys don't. It's a good sign, but there's also that downside that pretty much all of us smart women with actual sex drives/sex-positive feminists have to deal with: how can you be sexual and express sexuality, particularly through images and text without somehow doing something oppressive? I'd say the only solution to that is to keep on doing it and minimise the oppression in the way *you* do it. You don't do creepy/lame captions the way most porn blogs do (I actually have to squint whenever I reblog something from you and not look at the text fields and delete them as quickly as possible because so many captions people put in are illiterate/offensively stupid/outright abusive). I haven't seen you promoting abuse. You've posted some kinky shit, but the way I see it is that it's for the sheer shock value and it being a part of the whole human sexual experience. I like your blog because it's one of the few ones where I can just look at a huge variety of sexual stuff, a lot of it interesting and hot and then reblog the living crap out of it to kissinthedreamhouse.
As for the abuse thing: I think you're overestimating the abused girls in porn industry thing. It's by no means a small number and it'd be idiotic to pretend that didn't exist, but that's been changing like crazy in the past twenty years or so. Mostly I tend to avoid European porn because that's where the "oh, fuck, s/he really isn't into this, is s/he" thing is most glaring and prominent. Whereas in Californian porn you get people like Bobbi Starr and Stoya and Eva Angelina who were just nymphomaniacs from childhood and genuinely got into porn because that was their thing. I'm not saying none of them have had crap experiences, but what has really been changing my attitudes/fears about porn has been the amount of women who have said that they do it exactly because they are in control. You'd think it was all about them just doing it because they're used to lying there and taking it because they've been abused (the only story the anti-sex feminists will ever tell you), but no. Time and time again, I keep reading interviews with porn stars and talking to women who are into BDSM who say that they do it *exactly* because now they have full control over what happens to their bodies. There are safewords that will be obeyed, there are sex scenes that will be stopped if something too painful happens, stuff like that. And they've said that it's all about taking charge of your sexuality again and a fuck-you to those situations in which they had stuff done to them without their consent. Your everyday normal sex hardly ever features safewords anyway, and I personally know some women who've been assaulted and abused who can only have sex with safewords and need some really intense physical stuff to relax and to let go and to not think about bad memories. If you get anxious enough, you do need that stuff thwacked out of you and physical pain is good for that (I tend to get very anxious and neurotic and have found BDSM splendid for that--and none of it is, for me, some repeat experience of abuse but having someone do the things *I* want them to do to me, far more so than in average vanilla sex. I'd much rather have Mark Davis or James Deen whip me properly and then fuck me up the arse rather than have some average guy just humping on top of me without any creativity or passion).
What really opened my eyes in that regard was watching the girls' interviews on Kink. com videos. I don't know if you have, but if you haven't, I highly recommend them. And their values page was absolutely wonderful and fascinating--again something most people don't know about porn (and especially straight guys should really be educated about).
http://www.kink.com/k/values.jsp
It was kind of amazing to see these chicks going "yeah, man, you should've thwacked me harder!" and laughing and having fun and generally being awesome and choosing what sorts of things they wanted to have done to themselves, and also what they didn't want to do. It was wonderful, and while I'd always been iffy about watching some extreme stuff in mainstream porn, it suddenly made me watch these girls in a totally different light when I saw them in mainstream porn later. I was like "Oh, she's that one who *likes* having her hair pulled and who really gets off on gagging on a cock--fuck, I think she's coming"... because she wasn't just someone being manhandled, she'd finally gained a personality. Of course, the DVD blurbs and most pornos will still be sexist and abusive as fuck, but I do love that it's changing at least a bit now because you get the girls chatting to the cameras and also, even more importantly, blogging about their experiences on the internet. The girls finally have a voice, and that's so important--they're no longer just objects, but human beings, and the interviews make the porn a bazillion times hotter because now you know she really likes such and such act.
But, yeah. This is an even bigger issue for women who like to watch/read/write/film/participate in sex. We're the ones who get told we can never get it right. Either we're betraying the sisterhood and pandering to the patriarchy if we so much as shave our lady parts (fuck you, I do it because it feels great when I'm wanking--I don't see how any guy or any industry has any part in that) or (to the average guys) we're stupid whores who deserve no respect as human beings. I've got a couple of kinky friends and we're constantly bombarded by these messages and so, so few messages of "oh, you're a pervy and smart chick, that's cool and I respect you" come in. We're constantly, constantly insecure in our sexualities because of the stupid shaming from both prudish anti-sex women and stupid guys. When you'd think it shouldn't be such a big fucking deal if you just, you know, liked sex. Sex feels good. Boobs are awesome. Dicks are fun. It's just that people make such a huge hassle about something that's simple, yet the greatest gift we have as human beings, what with the spiritual levels of ecstasy and insight you can get from a good fuck.
So, yeah. What I try to do is to try and stay true to myself and to post/write porn even if I'm yelled at from all sides. I defiantly dress glamorously if it's a big night out. Even if that means exposing myself to all kinds of abuse. But what I've realised is that female sexuality is that way even if you were the mousiest sort--it's usually the mousy girls the biggest abuser guys go after anyway because they see someone they can bully. There is absolutely no way to be safe from rape, to be safe from arseholes, to be safe from women who look daggers at you if you show a bit of cleavage. But why should I deny myself? I only have one life. Why should I pretend I don't like things that form the core of my personality? For others it may be something else, but as a human being, I'm primarily erotic. Fuck anyone who tries to make me into something I'm not, even if women are socialised into prudishness exactly because of that slut-shaming bullshit and the danger of abuse. That's never going to change unless people stop caring about that crap and just... have tons of happy sex. I really do think that my contribution to the world is making at least a bit of a difference. I write erotic fiction--mostly on Ao3 in English--ranging from sweet, consensual BDSM where the guy would rather die than hurt the girl to some really fucked-up and dark stuff because it's possible to go that dark in fiction, which is still very distinct from real abuse--much like porn often features the sorts of things most people would never do at home. People might misunderstand the darker stuff and think I promote abuse (my most-read story involves a teenaged girl who falls in love with her pervert uncle and they indulge in all kinds of taboo-pushing kinks), but that's their problem--the whole point is that you can do that stuff in fiction safely and explore what happens. I also write sex toy reviews for a Finnish women's online sex shop and run kissinthedreamhouse and the more fandom-oriented aikainkauna, both sex-positive and pervy as hell. And I've had women come up to me and say I've opened up worlds of sexuality for them through the stories and the simple fact that I've posted some really rough porn pictures, because they have realised that hey, if another woman likes this evil bad nasty naughty stuff, maybe they aren't crazy for liking it themselves. I've even helped a young girl find her clitoris and taught her new masturbation techniques, FFS, so if that isn't a public service, I don't know what is.
And sometimes I burn the fuck out and can't deal with it any more. But I can't stop being me. So I keep going and posting porn to my heart's content, wanking to it, shaving my lady bits, enjoying kink, and generally being myself. And you absolutely, categorically shouldn't stop being yourself either. You are a man who likes porn and respects women--have you any idea how incredibly precious and rare that is? Your blog is giving me so much and I don't want you to start censoring yourself at all. (Actually, I've had a rule for myself on kissinthedreamhouse that whenever I see something that makes me go "maybe I shouldn't post that; people might get the wrong idea", I will force myself to post it. It's hard, but it builds character and keeps you honest.) But. You know. You get the point.
This got long, but it needed to be said. Keep up the good work and the hot porn :)
Hiya,
Here goes; the longer answer. Basically, I just wanted to write to you to absolve you of at least some of the guilt. It's really remarkable that you even have guilt and worry about these things, whereas most guys don't. It's a good sign, but there's also that downside that pretty much all of us smart women with actual sex drives/sex-positive feminists have to deal with: how can you be sexual and express sexuality, particularly through images and text without somehow doing something oppressive? I'd say the only solution to that is to keep on doing it and minimise the oppression in the way *you* do it. You don't do creepy/lame captions the way most porn blogs do (I actually have to squint whenever I reblog something from you and not look at the text fields and delete them as quickly as possible because so many captions people put in are illiterate/offensively stupid/outright abusive). I haven't seen you promoting abuse. You've posted some kinky shit, but the way I see it is that it's for the sheer shock value and it being a part of the whole human sexual experience. I like your blog because it's one of the few ones where I can just look at a huge variety of sexual stuff, a lot of it interesting and hot and then reblog the living crap out of it to kissinthedreamhouse.
As for the abuse thing: I think you're overestimating the abused girls in porn industry thing. It's by no means a small number and it'd be idiotic to pretend that didn't exist, but that's been changing like crazy in the past twenty years or so. Mostly I tend to avoid European porn because that's where the "oh, fuck, s/he really isn't into this, is s/he" thing is most glaring and prominent. Whereas in Californian porn you get people like Bobbi Starr and Stoya and Eva Angelina who were just nymphomaniacs from childhood and genuinely got into porn because that was their thing. I'm not saying none of them have had crap experiences, but what has really been changing my attitudes/fears about porn has been the amount of women who have said that they do it exactly because they are in control. You'd think it was all about them just doing it because they're used to lying there and taking it because they've been abused (the only story the anti-sex feminists will ever tell you), but no. Time and time again, I keep reading interviews with porn stars and talking to women who are into BDSM who say that they do it *exactly* because now they have full control over what happens to their bodies. There are safewords that will be obeyed, there are sex scenes that will be stopped if something too painful happens, stuff like that. And they've said that it's all about taking charge of your sexuality again and a fuck-you to those situations in which they had stuff done to them without their consent. Your everyday normal sex hardly ever features safewords anyway, and I personally know some women who've been assaulted and abused who can only have sex with safewords and need some really intense physical stuff to relax and to let go and to not think about bad memories. If you get anxious enough, you do need that stuff thwacked out of you and physical pain is good for that (I tend to get very anxious and neurotic and have found BDSM splendid for that--and none of it is, for me, some repeat experience of abuse but having someone do the things *I* want them to do to me, far more so than in average vanilla sex. I'd much rather have Mark Davis or James Deen whip me properly and then fuck me up the arse rather than have some average guy just humping on top of me without any creativity or passion).
What really opened my eyes in that regard was watching the girls' interviews on Kink. com videos. I don't know if you have, but if you haven't, I highly recommend them. And their values page was absolutely wonderful and fascinating--again something most people don't know about porn (and especially straight guys should really be educated about).
http://www.kink.com/k/values.jsp
It was kind of amazing to see these chicks going "yeah, man, you should've thwacked me harder!" and laughing and having fun and generally being awesome and choosing what sorts of things they wanted to have done to themselves, and also what they didn't want to do. It was wonderful, and while I'd always been iffy about watching some extreme stuff in mainstream porn, it suddenly made me watch these girls in a totally different light when I saw them in mainstream porn later. I was like "Oh, she's that one who *likes* having her hair pulled and who really gets off on gagging on a cock--fuck, I think she's coming"... because she wasn't just someone being manhandled, she'd finally gained a personality. Of course, the DVD blurbs and most pornos will still be sexist and abusive as fuck, but I do love that it's changing at least a bit now because you get the girls chatting to the cameras and also, even more importantly, blogging about their experiences on the internet. The girls finally have a voice, and that's so important--they're no longer just objects, but human beings, and the interviews make the porn a bazillion times hotter because now you know she really likes such and such act.
But, yeah. This is an even bigger issue for women who like to watch/read/write/film/participate in sex. We're the ones who get told we can never get it right. Either we're betraying the sisterhood and pandering to the patriarchy if we so much as shave our lady parts (fuck you, I do it because it feels great when I'm wanking--I don't see how any guy or any industry has any part in that) or (to the average guys) we're stupid whores who deserve no respect as human beings. I've got a couple of kinky friends and we're constantly bombarded by these messages and so, so few messages of "oh, you're a pervy and smart chick, that's cool and I respect you" come in. We're constantly, constantly insecure in our sexualities because of the stupid shaming from both prudish anti-sex women and stupid guys. When you'd think it shouldn't be such a big fucking deal if you just, you know, liked sex. Sex feels good. Boobs are awesome. Dicks are fun. It's just that people make such a huge hassle about something that's simple, yet the greatest gift we have as human beings, what with the spiritual levels of ecstasy and insight you can get from a good fuck.
So, yeah. What I try to do is to try and stay true to myself and to post/write porn even if I'm yelled at from all sides. I defiantly dress glamorously if it's a big night out. Even if that means exposing myself to all kinds of abuse. But what I've realised is that female sexuality is that way even if you were the mousiest sort--it's usually the mousy girls the biggest abuser guys go after anyway because they see someone they can bully. There is absolutely no way to be safe from rape, to be safe from arseholes, to be safe from women who look daggers at you if you show a bit of cleavage. But why should I deny myself? I only have one life. Why should I pretend I don't like things that form the core of my personality? For others it may be something else, but as a human being, I'm primarily erotic. Fuck anyone who tries to make me into something I'm not, even if women are socialised into prudishness exactly because of that slut-shaming bullshit and the danger of abuse. That's never going to change unless people stop caring about that crap and just... have tons of happy sex. I really do think that my contribution to the world is making at least a bit of a difference. I write erotic fiction--mostly on Ao3 in English--ranging from sweet, consensual BDSM where the guy would rather die than hurt the girl to some really fucked-up and dark stuff because it's possible to go that dark in fiction, which is still very distinct from real abuse--much like porn often features the sorts of things most people would never do at home. People might misunderstand the darker stuff and think I promote abuse (my most-read story involves a teenaged girl who falls in love with her pervert uncle and they indulge in all kinds of taboo-pushing kinks), but that's their problem--the whole point is that you can do that stuff in fiction safely and explore what happens. I also write sex toy reviews for a Finnish women's online sex shop and run kissinthedreamhouse and the more fandom-oriented aikainkauna, both sex-positive and pervy as hell. And I've had women come up to me and say I've opened up worlds of sexuality for them through the stories and the simple fact that I've posted some really rough porn pictures, because they have realised that hey, if another woman likes this evil bad nasty naughty stuff, maybe they aren't crazy for liking it themselves. I've even helped a young girl find her clitoris and taught her new masturbation techniques, FFS, so if that isn't a public service, I don't know what is.
And sometimes I burn the fuck out and can't deal with it any more. But I can't stop being me. So I keep going and posting porn to my heart's content, wanking to it, shaving my lady bits, enjoying kink, and generally being myself. And you absolutely, categorically shouldn't stop being yourself either. You are a man who likes porn and respects women--have you any idea how incredibly precious and rare that is? Your blog is giving me so much and I don't want you to start censoring yourself at all. (Actually, I've had a rule for myself on kissinthedreamhouse that whenever I see something that makes me go "maybe I shouldn't post that; people might get the wrong idea", I will force myself to post it. It's hard, but it builds character and keeps you honest.) But. You know. You get the point.
This got long, but it needed to be said. Keep up the good work and the hot porn :)