Action figure crack: SWORDFIGHT! (Doctor/Master, NSFW)
Ten! Master! Cocktail swords! Guest stars! And more! Rejoice! Or not! (Picture-heavy, so will kill dialup and dump its body into the river. Just so you know.)
Master: "En garde, Doctor." *strokes the Doctor's chin sexily with sword-tip* "I require... satisfaction."
Doctor: "There are worse pick-up lines, you know. Just... not many."
Noki (who has just realised what's about to happen): "OH SHI--"
Doctor: "This is quite... um..." *sweats under his collar as the Master traces a line down his neck with the blade* "Um..."
Master: "Disturbingly homoerotic? Terrifying yet sexy? Ahhh. Face it, Doctor. You just can't stop thinking about all the different ways in which I could slice that suit off and have my wicked, *wicked* way with you." *squints*
Doctor: *grabs* "Listen, here, I won't have any more of this--"
Master: "That's where you are wrong, Doctor." *snarls*
Master: "There, that's better." *puts sword to throat* "I meant what I said about..." *licks lips* "satisfaction."
Doctor: "Gngh."
But that isn't enough. The Doctor somehow manages to throw the Master off him, but the Master has more tricks up his sleeve:
Master: "You DARE defy me, Doctor? Very well. This requires extreme measures."
*POOF*
*MOTHERFUCKING CHRONOVORE*
Doctor: "You've got to be. Fucking. Joking."
Master: "What? Don't you remember the last time time I fed you to one of these? And how it shat you out into the Vortex? The ultimate humiliation, Doctor! Prepare to become cosmic bird poo once more!"
Noki: "You really are fucking joking, right?"
Doctor: "All right. Have it your way. But not before I've nipped into my... trusty blue friend!"
*VWORP VWORP WHEEZE GROAN VWORP VWORP*
Doctor: "And speaking of friends, look who I've brought with me! Say hello to the Master, Fivey."
Fivey: "Ah! Master! Still a rubbish swordsman, I see."
Master: "WHAT?!?" *falls on arse from surprise, and not at all as the result of an unexpected timeboner*
Doctor: "Oh, and I've brought another friend. Have you met Handy?"
Master (disbelieving) : "Am I mad? Or in a coma? Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed in the middle of a terrible nightmare."
Five minutes later...
Master: *glurg* "Or, maybe this is not such a bad dream--ngh--after all..." *ungh* "In fact, I think I've--mmfhg--had this one before..."
HAPPEH ENDZ.
DVD extra: The Master's second attempt at a duel did not quite go as planned, either...
Master: "BEHOLD MY MAGNIFICIENCE AND WEEP."
Doctor: "That? Is a toy penis. I wasn't fooled for a second."
Master: "Yeah, you're right. Mine is much bigger."
Master: "There, Doctor. Have one for yourself. Dicks at dawn!"
Doctor: "I always preferred Malcolm Hulke."
Master: "Look, us having a duel with giant penises is metatextual enough. Cock it."
*epic thumping ensues*
*more epic thumping ensues*
*whimpering noises*
Doctor: "See? I always win. Now take your humiliation like a man. You didn't lose on purpose, did you? No, you would never do such a thing. Ever. Not when a good, thorough rogering is on the cards."
Master: "AH! AH! HARDER!"
Doctor: "Oh, see how open and loose it's made you? I can reach inside you so easily... four fingers.. five... it's like staring into the Untempered Schism down here..."
Master: "You're not doing what I think you are doing. OH--"
Doctor: "Five fingers... WRIST."
Master: "&#¤%&½!!!11!"
TEH ENDZ. For reals.
Master: "En garde, Doctor." *strokes the Doctor's chin sexily with sword-tip* "I require... satisfaction."
Doctor: "There are worse pick-up lines, you know. Just... not many."
Noki (who has just realised what's about to happen): "OH SHI--"
Doctor: "This is quite... um..." *sweats under his collar as the Master traces a line down his neck with the blade* "Um..."
Master: "Disturbingly homoerotic? Terrifying yet sexy? Ahhh. Face it, Doctor. You just can't stop thinking about all the different ways in which I could slice that suit off and have my wicked, *wicked* way with you." *squints*
Doctor: *grabs* "Listen, here, I won't have any more of this--"
Master: "That's where you are wrong, Doctor." *snarls*
Master: "There, that's better." *puts sword to throat* "I meant what I said about..." *licks lips* "satisfaction."
Doctor: "Gngh."
But that isn't enough. The Doctor somehow manages to throw the Master off him, but the Master has more tricks up his sleeve:
Master: "You DARE defy me, Doctor? Very well. This requires extreme measures."
*POOF*
*MOTHERFUCKING CHRONOVORE*
Doctor: "You've got to be. Fucking. Joking."
Master: "What? Don't you remember the last time time I fed you to one of these? And how it shat you out into the Vortex? The ultimate humiliation, Doctor! Prepare to become cosmic bird poo once more!"
Noki: "You really are fucking joking, right?"
Doctor: "All right. Have it your way. But not before I've nipped into my... trusty blue friend!"
*VWORP VWORP WHEEZE GROAN VWORP VWORP*
Doctor: "And speaking of friends, look who I've brought with me! Say hello to the Master, Fivey."
Fivey: "Ah! Master! Still a rubbish swordsman, I see."
Master: "WHAT?!?" *falls on arse from surprise, and not at all as the result of an unexpected timeboner*
Doctor: "Oh, and I've brought another friend. Have you met Handy?"
Master (disbelieving) : "Am I mad? Or in a coma? Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed in the middle of a terrible nightmare."
Five minutes later...
Master: *glurg* "Or, maybe this is not such a bad dream--ngh--after all..." *ungh* "In fact, I think I've--mmfhg--had this one before..."
HAPPEH ENDZ.
DVD extra: The Master's second attempt at a duel did not quite go as planned, either...
Master: "BEHOLD MY MAGNIFICIENCE AND WEEP."
Doctor: "That? Is a toy penis. I wasn't fooled for a second."
Master: "Yeah, you're right. Mine is much bigger."
Master: "There, Doctor. Have one for yourself. Dicks at dawn!"
Doctor: "I always preferred Malcolm Hulke."
Master: "Look, us having a duel with giant penises is metatextual enough. Cock it."
*epic thumping ensues*
*more epic thumping ensues*
*whimpering noises*
Doctor: "See? I always win. Now take your humiliation like a man. You didn't lose on purpose, did you? No, you would never do such a thing. Ever. Not when a good, thorough rogering is on the cards."
Master: "AH! AH! HARDER!"
Doctor: "Oh, see how open and loose it's made you? I can reach inside you so easily... four fingers.. five... it's like staring into the Untempered Schism down here..."
Master: "You're not doing what I think you are doing. OH--"
Doctor: "Five fingers... WRIST."
Master: "&#¤%&½!!!11!"
TEH ENDZ. For reals.