Not Watching Pertwee Dalek Stories Because Of Shallow Reasons
I am not watching Day of the Daleks. Even if it's only four episodes. And it would be slow enough to carry me all the way through to Midsummer without having to glance at NewWho. Even if Jo's the only bimbo in the world I find amusing instead of annoying.
I am also not screencapping things, and I'm making a point of avoiding shots of The Brig going WASSUUUUUP down the phone (well, that's what Brig On The Phone always brings to mind). Or doing his best Mr. Bean impression at irritating civil servants. Or looking down the barrel of a raygun. Or insisting on giving the politician bloke an escort, which in UNIT terms is as dodgy as it sounds and then some. Because Mike Yates is just that butch. AM NOT WATCHING. AM STRONG.
Am also not watching it for the sheer GLEE of B7 S2 guest stars flexing their camp muscles, preparing to tackle REALLY dodgy space opera in a few years' time. Even if the likelihood of Aubrey Woods having to do two cult tv roles in silver makeup and heavy eyeliner is just... I'd say the chances were astronomical, but then this happens in old Britskiffy, doesn't it? Also, he's dressed as The Master.
Oh, fuckit, I give in... I love that WELSH raygun too much. And I'm only 11 minutes in. I am old and my willy's weak, to paraphrase the Master in King's Demons.
Nurse Benton! Leaning suggestively over the dead guerrilla! BLESS.
Raygun lessons at UNIT--before Torchwood made groping mandatory.
"I'm sorry, my mistake. I was forgetting the unimaginative nature of the military mind." *HAS THREE'S TIMEBABIES*
The Brig! Takes the piss! Out of the Doctor not getting the TARDIS to work! AAAHHAHA!
I bet Ten would lick that time travel box. He so would.
Krantor The Controller has an office that's already 60's retro, and looks like something out of a Second Doctor story. Even his minions have beehives. I approve. Too bad they didn't get him a ball chair, but it's nearly there.
Doc: "The temporal feedback circuit is overloaded."
Brig: "The what's done what?"
Doc: "In your terms, Brigadier, it's blown a fuse."
Ah, the Doctor is on the piss again... and likes gorgonzola cheese. The man has taste, yes. And Jo senses Impending Doom! Handy to signal Grave Peril with church bells and all that... and we get tips on how to recognise a fine red wine: "a touch sardonic, perhaps, but not cynical". Bwhahaha!
Jo goes Exploring. Yay, that means something is about to happen. Perhaps. PLEASE, GOD, LET IT BE SO.
Oh. It's just Benton. Damn it. But then he's being an evil bastard, creeping about like that. And bitching, while making eyes at Jo. Ah, Benton... and Jo *must* be deprived, if she wants to get him drunk enough to snog girls... and aaahhaha, they're interrupted by a jealous Yates. Yates isn't very good at being commanding, not with that amount of camp. "Mooove, Sergeant Benton" might as well be pronounced "VOGUE".
So, Jo didn't get any, so now she's trying the Doctor. They're all nice and cosy on that sofa... I bet she's putting on all that "scared by ghosts" wimpiness because she's expecting protectiveness from Manly Men. And is still surrounded by UNIT and a slutboi alien tease in frills and velvet. Poor Jo, another lost cause...
At least Terry Nation's influence can be felt in the guerrilla troops. We get a kickarse woman, a guy with a porn 'tache and another guy with porn sideburns. Man with porn sideburns would be gratuitously dodgy anyway, since it's that Other B7 S2 Guest Bloke. Y'know, the pervy one with the piercing eyes. *cough* Whose presence in this has had absolutely nothing to do with me caving in and watching it. I deny everything.
Jo sprawls really prettily when she sleeps. I approve, I always twist my legs into weird knots when sitting down on the sofa. Wouldn't say no to tall white go-go boots though, those are fab.
Porn Tache Man looks a bit like Matthew Bellamy. This is fucking with my head a bit too much. Does he call his Welsh raygun his "Plug-in Baby"?
GENEVA CALLS THE BRIG! Finally it's this way around! And WWIII is nigh! The guy reading the report cracks my shit up, yo, what a fantastic comedy voice... and mm, the UNIT communications chick is hot. Although where's Corporal Bell?!?
Please, for the sake of all that is holy, gimme some actual action. I can think of padding episodes in the middle of six-parters that are paced better than this...
...and now the Doctor's at the whiskey? The very next morning? He must be going through a difficult phase... or just a rotten hangover.
Oh look! Action! HAI! Fingers of Death at Porn Tache Man! Porn Tache Man is scared *shitless*. Good.
Even the Daleks seem sleepy and not that bothered... "EX-TER-MI-NATE!" "CAN-T BE AR-SED!" Clyffhangar tiem!
Episode 2: How To Lose The Will To Live Through Who Even Without Assistance From Rusty:
And so we begin by ranty Daleks with the cliffhanger music still on, the guerrilla woman kicking arse, Sideburns Man groping Jo... it all looks quite promising.
Sideburns Man gropes Jo some more. Kickarse Woman is evil but kind of hot.
Sideburns Man has fuckloads of eyeliner on. AM NOT COMPLAINING. Oh look, typecasting again, he's the bloodthirsty one...
Kickarse Woman keeps going "now then" a lot. She should watch it, she might turn into Melchett in a bit...
The writer/director=bondage fetishists. No, seriously. Gratuitous amounts of Jo going "MMMMFH!" and Three not wanting to let her go--and saying it in a very worrying way. OWIEEE, this amount of shipping is breaking my brane. Please, please tell me it is the actual knots Jo is groping for when she says "These knots are rock-hard!"...o_O "In that case, there's only one thing for us to do..." STOP LECHING, PERTWEE.
The Controller has a Dalek plunger up his rear. No, really. *facepalm* I'm glad there's a ridiculous amount of The Dodgy when something is, well, boring...
The Magnotron consists of a pair of shiny balls. *another facepalm*
Porn Tache man does *fantastic* posing while Kickarse and Sideburns have a bitch-fest. Planting his feet wide apart in a heroic stance and pointing the Welsh Raygun! Attaboy!
Sideburns (or should that be Eyeliner by now?) is so bitchy it's surprising they brought him along in the first place Proto-Avon!... I think I spy Eyelash Action amidst the ranting. And now he complains about Kickarse being "soft". In a snarly way with extra Eyelash. *falls over laughing*
Tache plays with some... transmitter thingy that's like a big iron tit. I want to know the name of the propmaker on this one, damn it... ooh, heroic Tache pwnz Ogrons! I never really liked Ogrons. Boring grunts.
Brig is not pleased at Benton'n'Yates having spent the night with wine and cheese and having lost "a couple" of their men while practicing manly bonding. Poor Brig. His voice is going croaky, too.
Sideburns Eyeliner is a bit OTT in Trying To Be Intense. Do they have a special course for "Doctor Who Acting" at RADA?
The Blinovitch Limitation Effect gets a name-check! But just as Three is about to descend into technobabble bafflegab, Eyeliner comes and poses at them. Three will never forgive him now.
Brig to Benton'n'Yates: "Lay on a jeep for me, won't you?" Yes, I know that's a famous Dodgy Line, but it's still good.
Heroic Jo! Yay! Slightly dim heroics land Jo in the future! Where the Controller's chair looks like a giant toilet bowl! I told you they should've gone for the ball chair... oh noes! Being menaced by a silvery guy dressed in a green version of the Master's outfit who leads his missions from the loo!
Bloody Jo, going and telling the Controller everything... not that she has much of a choice, but anyway. Maybe she'll get a shag off him?
What did I say about bondage? And it's Eyeliner tying Three up again. Hmm...
Heh, Three knocks Eyeliner out by making a grand entrance. I wonder if that's the scene Scott's kids like to point and laugh at because it's so cheesy... or, aahhaha, maybe it's the flying-across-the-room-propelled-by-Venusian-Aikido bit:D... *snigger*
*Happysigh* Kickarse is sexy when she's angry.
Of course, Three MUST put his cape on before he fights the Ogrons. Such dedication is the sign of a true dandy. And there's proper leaping about! Bwhahaha! And prancing around with the Welsh Raygun! And Grave Angst when he realises the extent of destruction such a gun can bring! *has another batch of Three's timebabies*
...only for The Brig to vroom in on a jeep and start machine-gunning the Ogrons down. And Three nicks his jeep!:D *rolls on bed in hysterics* You'll see more stolen cars causing trouble yet, dear Brig, just wait until Trion schoolboys...
SILLYMUSIC! Diddly Simpson is on 'shrooms again... ok, he can never be as crazy as Malcolm "Trippin' With The Sea Devils In My Yellow Submarine" Clarke, but still...
Ah, the days when the simple procedure of Dropping In A Random Dalek guaranteed a cliffhanger and great viewing figures... no, wait...
Episode 3: I slept soundly for ten hours last night. Would buy sleeping aids from PertweeDalek1972 again. A+++++
They've left the cliffhanger music on all of these, I see... Three does the sensible thing and runs like fuck. Only to bump into something more terrifying than random Daleks: Eyeliner Man, in a dark and damp passage, pointing a gun at him.
That particular Dalek has a deep voice, he does. And speaks really slowly, too. What to do? Let's teleport the fuck outta here! I must say I love the effects of the people spinning about. You spin me right round baby right round... not as cute as Jo, though. Although now I'm imagining Pertwee in a miniskirt and kinky boots and wish I hadn't.
Aaahhaha, Kickarse: "this may come as a shock to you, but you've just travelled two hundred years through time." Of course, it doesn't. DO NOT GROPE EYELINER MAN, DOCTOR. IT HURTS MY BRAIN. Eyeliner Man responds by narrowing his eyes (so you can see the makeup and appreciate the lashes) and pouting. Like I didn't have enough screengrabs of him this story already... *cough*
*cri* they don't stop being slashy. Please, even I'm not perverted enough to slash Pertwee. Whether it's with The Slag From Sligo or not. STOP IT.
Kickarse: "We can't just leave him!"
Eyeliner (trying to be macho and sounding huskily slutty instead): "I can."
Saved by random Ogrons barging in? Er... right. Dalek ex machina, Teleport ex machina, Ogrons ex machina. Y'know, if I was a cynical, bitter OldSkool Whovian bitch, I'd say the writer was running out of ideas by this point. But that'd just be cruel of me, wouldn't it?
Is it wrong of me to start laughing every time the Ogrons speak? Speaking of funny sounds, whatever sounds they use for "footsteps" in this serial... er... those sounds are certainly, erm, alien. It sounds like a thousand tiny feet and by this point it sounds like bits of metal jingling. This is not the time to show us your piercings, Yates... bet Three has a Prince Albert. Oh, so the jingling was from Ogrons. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Ow. OW.
Crap Modern Buildings=Dystopian Future! This is depressingly true.
The Controller is way cleverer than the Daleks, these ones are useless. Especially if they think Ogrons are a match for kickarse chicks, men in eyeliner and porn 'taches. Haven't they learned? Even The Controller shows his leetness through ridiculous amounts of makeup.
Yet more camp performances: Gold Dalek. He might as well have a sequinned handbag swinging off his eyestalk. Now that'd actually be an interesting method of exterminating people: braining them with handbags...
Futuristic CCTV wins, because it has more blinkenlights. Also, it proves that Daleks are the ones who love surveillance the most. These guys *have* been reading up on their Terry Nation. I can't remember if this story has time bombs or radiation poisoning, but if it does, it'll be a full hat-trick (kickarse female guerrillas, surveillance, c'mon).
Slow Dalek wiggles about a lot. HEE. I prefer him to the camp one. Even though they're pretty stupid as Daleks go. And that's saying something. These guys are challenging the ones in The Chase if they keep up with the pointlessness. But at least they give The Controller some good Moments Of Angst.
The rebels are taking the Doctor's example--and have raided the cellar for cigars! Ha!
Another Porn Tache! We shall call him Butch Tache. Or Lord Flashheart. Whatevz. Where have I seen that guy before? Doesn't matter, it seems his butchness is unnerving Eyeliner Man. I can tell, because we get the most intense hardcore Eyelash Action sequences yet! Blimey!
Slaves! With bins! Hat-trick or Dalek story cliche? Can't decide. ROBOMEN WEAR LEATHER. Win! Although I miss their eyestalks:(. And speaking of bondage, Three gets knocked down by an Ogron!
The Controller is in Krantor mode AGAIN. I'm expecting him to offer Jo pataki cakes next. Jo looks, er, gratified. Hope she wipes the silver makeup off her bits afterwards. "Later on, I'll have a real treat in store for you." DA-DAAH! THE MAAN WITH THE SILVER COOOCK!
The Controller is a lot nicer post-shag. If this is what ditzy blondes do to his mood, I wonder what'd happen if they gave him John Leeson?
Fokkinell, that's a greepy grin and stare he gives Jo.
Oh noes, the Doctor's being beaten up! And tortured! And and and the Roboman guard is hysterically camp as well. They could've just called this Gay of the Daleks, seriously... it's still so slow that the camp'n'slash is its main attraction, really. Pertwee tries to combat this manfully with a few buttons undone, but is cracking under the pressure. Poor thing. Camp Roboman Guard pokes him with a whip. "Careful. Our friends here don't get much fun." "Poor fellows. I'm sorry I can't oblige at the moment, I'm not in the mood for games". HOLY SHIT. And more dodgy whip-pokeage/strokeage. Y'see, it's not just my slash goggles!
Uh-oh. The guard leaves, but the worst is to come: now The Controller is leering at Three. Even the Baddie Who Is Sekritly A Rebel can't help him.
Noes! Controller threatens Sekritly Rebel Guy! With the insertion of more Terry Nation cliches (if you fail, you and your family will die), just so people will think this was written by him... Sekrit Rebel Guy does some Good Acting. Which is quite interesting, considering everyone else's being OTT.
So far, all rebels apart from the female one and the eyelinery one have had 'taches. This must be significant. Perhaps the rebels punish bitching by shaving off a man's tache and kohling him up, and then bumming pointing and laughing at him?
NOES! Sekrit Rebel gets smashed inna head by Ogrons!SADFACEFULLSTOP.
The Controller offers Three wine from a hookah. In a really, really phallic shot, with that enormous bottleneck. This is just taking the piss!
Before Jo flashes her knickers at the audience, she sits with her legs splayed, offering Three a nice view, presumably. That girl is desperate...
"There will always be people who need discipline, Doctor". *shakes head* also, Jo has completely bought into it, and is even dimmer than usual. All that sexual frustration has killed whatever brain cells she has left...
Ooh, Three whips out The Gravitas and smacks The Controller with it. And starts to actually Bring It. About bloody time...
...and then Jo shows us her knickers. It's becoming a proper Pertwee story now. Jo screaming to distract the baddies! More Venusian Aikido! WIN! And Jo smashes the Dodgy Hookah-Like Bottle on the Ogron's head, saving the Doctor! GO JO!
Of course, the Robomen's motorist club just happens to leave bikes lying around. What do you call one of those things anyway? It's not a quad bike because it's got three wheels, so is it a motorised trike or somesuch? Those are just called "crawlers" in colloquial Finnish, so I'm not sure. Anyway. Fast Things left lying about when Pertwee's around. Oh dear oh dear. Easiest escape EVER. And probably the cheesiest chase ever, the Ogrons catching up easily, but the actors having to slow down:D.
Rebels! Butch Tache is being Manly at Eyeliner and Eyeliner confesses to being afraid. Butch Tache's hair looks like it's made of felt. Or cotton wool spraypainted yellow.
NO, NOT THE MIND PROBE! Or the Daleks' holiday snaps of previous Doctors! WZOOOOOOOOOOOMMM, diddlydum, diddlydum, diddlydum...
Episode 4: THANK GODS.
The Controller would prefer to interrogate The Doctor. Of course he would.
Doctor: *suffers manfully*
Rebels: *actually being effective instead of standing around smokin'n'bitchin'*
The Controller is the most interesting character in this, he still thinks the Daleks can be reasonable (AAAAHHAHAHA), yet has doubts. And Three Brings It again. "You, sir, are a traitor!" That's more like it.
I like The Controller's angst a lot. Yes. Poor man had to choose between free will and outrageous makeup. Tough choice, I can see that. Also, he's looking up Jo's skirt again. Muahhahaha! And he dismisses the rebels as a handful of fanatics. See, if this was B7, the game would be completely and utterly lost, but since it's Who, the rebels actually stand a chance! W00t! Free will AND outrageous makeup FTW!
Here we go, futuristic parking lots again... no wonder they kept re-using this place... at least it's not Betchworth Quarry.
Eyeliner looks like a rabid monkey when he shouts. The things you notice while screencapping... heroic self-sacrificing lunges! Dalek malfunctions when coming into contact with Eyeliner's force-field of Pure Unadulterated Bitch! Dalek asplode! Bits of corpse or bits o'Dalek! Gruesome!
Rebels being useful again. Butch Tache positively bristling. Three stops his gun-happy impulses, so The Controller can make his Angsty Face at the camera.
Yates to Brig: "We've been through every inch of the tunnel, sir." "I will need more men, sir." "You can have all you want.":D:D:D:D
Yes, I'm glad it took four episodes for The Doctor and Jo to actually get what the rebels have been aiming for. *eyeroll* Also, the rebels skulking and posing in the shadows while they Explain Their Plans to Doc'n'Jo... this is not the time to go cottaging!
Heyyyy! First Guy With Porn Tache is still alive! Win! His Running While Wounded is quite hysterical. And lookie, he's saved the big tit!
Also, I wouldn't be surprised if that actually still was Eyeliner skulking in the background--the guy in the shadows has the same haircut and sideburns, and they could've run out of actors. I refuse to believe it's just me being sad, of course.
DALEKANIUM! Win!
"You're trapped in a temporal paradox!" Only The Doctor can get lines like this! Made of winnage!
Roboman Guard is still being incredibly drawly. He sounds like Riff Raff...
Kickarse is ready to kick more arse! Arr!
Jo still has red pants. Lest we forget.
Escape Into Danger! The Insta-Ogrons are back! And and and The Controller angsts in vain and The Doctor is being fucking great *has more of his timebabies* and and and and YES. The Controller has a soft spot for them after all! He's actually grateful for the Doc saving his arse! WIN! Although now the Roboman Guard is going after The Controller! Aargh, he'll die after being rogered with a whip!
Benton! Being capable! I don't believe it...
Oh, the Daleks were merciful on poor Controller after all and just exterminated him. Thank goodness.
The news reporter immediately turns this into a Monty Python sketch...
Daleks and Ogrons attempt menace. It doesn't quite work. Although one Dalek taking down two UNIT guys at once is quite impressive. Not that UNIT soldiers were ever very good at anything, but...
Doctor: "Look, try and use your intelligence, man, even if you are a politician!"
Porn Tache still wants to blow everybody up.
Benton and Yates have an intense chat on their walkie-talkies. These boys go down together! I mean, um...
Ah, good old Brig. Whenever he waggles his swagger stick, you know he means business.
GET OUT OF THERE, JO! *flails at Jo* It's going to asplode!
UNIT have grenades. And get to blow up Daleks. No wonder they're grinning. Especially since there only are three Daleks there in the first place.
So the delegates are out--it be asplodey tiem noe? Also, fallen UNIT soldiers have, just by chance, draped themselves decoratively over the garden features. Captain Hawkins would be proud.
Ooh, Porn Tache wants to be a hero. More brave sacrifices. So, did he change history? Hmmmmm...
IT'S OVER! *dances*
Screencaps to come later, I must be a hardcore masochist to screencap something that took forever at *normal* speed...
[ETA: If I seem more crackheaded than usual, it's the show's fault. And the fact that I wrote this over two days. No sanity left whatsoever.]
[ETA: frankymole sums it up (am paraphrasing here): "If it's got Mike Yates in it and he's not the campest guy in it, it has to be wrong."]
ETA: Screencaps here.
I am also not screencapping things, and I'm making a point of avoiding shots of The Brig going WASSUUUUUP down the phone (well, that's what Brig On The Phone always brings to mind). Or doing his best Mr. Bean impression at irritating civil servants. Or looking down the barrel of a raygun. Or insisting on giving the politician bloke an escort, which in UNIT terms is as dodgy as it sounds and then some. Because Mike Yates is just that butch. AM NOT WATCHING. AM STRONG.
Am also not watching it for the sheer GLEE of B7 S2 guest stars flexing their camp muscles, preparing to tackle REALLY dodgy space opera in a few years' time. Even if the likelihood of Aubrey Woods having to do two cult tv roles in silver makeup and heavy eyeliner is just... I'd say the chances were astronomical, but then this happens in old Britskiffy, doesn't it? Also, he's dressed as The Master.
Oh, fuckit, I give in... I love that WELSH raygun too much. And I'm only 11 minutes in. I am old and my willy's weak, to paraphrase the Master in King's Demons.
Nurse Benton! Leaning suggestively over the dead guerrilla! BLESS.
Raygun lessons at UNIT--before Torchwood made groping mandatory.
"I'm sorry, my mistake. I was forgetting the unimaginative nature of the military mind." *HAS THREE'S TIMEBABIES*
The Brig! Takes the piss! Out of the Doctor not getting the TARDIS to work! AAAHHAHA!
I bet Ten would lick that time travel box. He so would.
Krantor The Controller has an office that's already 60's retro, and looks like something out of a Second Doctor story. Even his minions have beehives. I approve. Too bad they didn't get him a ball chair, but it's nearly there.
Doc: "The temporal feedback circuit is overloaded."
Brig: "The what's done what?"
Doc: "In your terms, Brigadier, it's blown a fuse."
Ah, the Doctor is on the piss again... and likes gorgonzola cheese. The man has taste, yes. And Jo senses Impending Doom! Handy to signal Grave Peril with church bells and all that... and we get tips on how to recognise a fine red wine: "a touch sardonic, perhaps, but not cynical". Bwhahaha!
Jo goes Exploring. Yay, that means something is about to happen. Perhaps. PLEASE, GOD, LET IT BE SO.
Oh. It's just Benton. Damn it. But then he's being an evil bastard, creeping about like that. And bitching, while making eyes at Jo. Ah, Benton... and Jo *must* be deprived, if she wants to get him drunk enough to snog girls... and aaahhaha, they're interrupted by a jealous Yates. Yates isn't very good at being commanding, not with that amount of camp. "Mooove, Sergeant Benton" might as well be pronounced "VOGUE".
So, Jo didn't get any, so now she's trying the Doctor. They're all nice and cosy on that sofa... I bet she's putting on all that "scared by ghosts" wimpiness because she's expecting protectiveness from Manly Men. And is still surrounded by UNIT and a slutboi alien tease in frills and velvet. Poor Jo, another lost cause...
At least Terry Nation's influence can be felt in the guerrilla troops. We get a kickarse woman, a guy with a porn 'tache and another guy with porn sideburns. Man with porn sideburns would be gratuitously dodgy anyway, since it's that Other B7 S2 Guest Bloke. Y'know, the pervy one with the piercing eyes. *cough* Whose presence in this has had absolutely nothing to do with me caving in and watching it. I deny everything.
Jo sprawls really prettily when she sleeps. I approve, I always twist my legs into weird knots when sitting down on the sofa. Wouldn't say no to tall white go-go boots though, those are fab.
Porn Tache Man looks a bit like Matthew Bellamy. This is fucking with my head a bit too much. Does he call his Welsh raygun his "Plug-in Baby"?
GENEVA CALLS THE BRIG! Finally it's this way around! And WWIII is nigh! The guy reading the report cracks my shit up, yo, what a fantastic comedy voice... and mm, the UNIT communications chick is hot. Although where's Corporal Bell?!?
Please, for the sake of all that is holy, gimme some actual action. I can think of padding episodes in the middle of six-parters that are paced better than this...
...and now the Doctor's at the whiskey? The very next morning? He must be going through a difficult phase... or just a rotten hangover.
Oh look! Action! HAI! Fingers of Death at Porn Tache Man! Porn Tache Man is scared *shitless*. Good.
Even the Daleks seem sleepy and not that bothered... "EX-TER-MI-NATE!" "CAN-T BE AR-SED!" Clyffhangar tiem!
Episode 2: How To Lose The Will To Live Through Who Even Without Assistance From Rusty:
And so we begin by ranty Daleks with the cliffhanger music still on, the guerrilla woman kicking arse, Sideburns Man groping Jo... it all looks quite promising.
Sideburns Man gropes Jo some more. Kickarse Woman is evil but kind of hot.
Sideburns Man has fuckloads of eyeliner on. AM NOT COMPLAINING. Oh look, typecasting again, he's the bloodthirsty one...
Kickarse Woman keeps going "now then" a lot. She should watch it, she might turn into Melchett in a bit...
The writer/director=bondage fetishists. No, seriously. Gratuitous amounts of Jo going "MMMMFH!" and Three not wanting to let her go--and saying it in a very worrying way. OWIEEE, this amount of shipping is breaking my brane. Please, please tell me it is the actual knots Jo is groping for when she says "These knots are rock-hard!"...o_O "In that case, there's only one thing for us to do..." STOP LECHING, PERTWEE.
The Controller has a Dalek plunger up his rear. No, really. *facepalm* I'm glad there's a ridiculous amount of The Dodgy when something is, well, boring...
The Magnotron consists of a pair of shiny balls. *another facepalm*
Porn Tache man does *fantastic* posing while Kickarse and Sideburns have a bitch-fest. Planting his feet wide apart in a heroic stance and pointing the Welsh Raygun! Attaboy!
Sideburns (or should that be Eyeliner by now?) is so bitchy it's surprising they brought him along in the first place Proto-Avon!... I think I spy Eyelash Action amidst the ranting. And now he complains about Kickarse being "soft". In a snarly way with extra Eyelash. *falls over laughing*
Tache plays with some... transmitter thingy that's like a big iron tit. I want to know the name of the propmaker on this one, damn it... ooh, heroic Tache pwnz Ogrons! I never really liked Ogrons. Boring grunts.
Brig is not pleased at Benton'n'Yates having spent the night with wine and cheese and having lost "a couple" of their men while practicing manly bonding. Poor Brig. His voice is going croaky, too.
Sideburns Eyeliner is a bit OTT in Trying To Be Intense. Do they have a special course for "Doctor Who Acting" at RADA?
The Blinovitch Limitation Effect gets a name-check! But just as Three is about to descend into technobabble bafflegab, Eyeliner comes and poses at them. Three will never forgive him now.
Brig to Benton'n'Yates: "Lay on a jeep for me, won't you?" Yes, I know that's a famous Dodgy Line, but it's still good.
Heroic Jo! Yay! Slightly dim heroics land Jo in the future! Where the Controller's chair looks like a giant toilet bowl! I told you they should've gone for the ball chair... oh noes! Being menaced by a silvery guy dressed in a green version of the Master's outfit who leads his missions from the loo!
Bloody Jo, going and telling the Controller everything... not that she has much of a choice, but anyway. Maybe she'll get a shag off him?
What did I say about bondage? And it's Eyeliner tying Three up again. Hmm...
Heh, Three knocks Eyeliner out by making a grand entrance. I wonder if that's the scene Scott's kids like to point and laugh at because it's so cheesy... or, aahhaha, maybe it's the flying-across-the-room-propelled-by-Venusian-Aikido bit:D... *snigger*
*Happysigh* Kickarse is sexy when she's angry.
Of course, Three MUST put his cape on before he fights the Ogrons. Such dedication is the sign of a true dandy. And there's proper leaping about! Bwhahaha! And prancing around with the Welsh Raygun! And Grave Angst when he realises the extent of destruction such a gun can bring! *has another batch of Three's timebabies*
...only for The Brig to vroom in on a jeep and start machine-gunning the Ogrons down. And Three nicks his jeep!:D *rolls on bed in hysterics* You'll see more stolen cars causing trouble yet, dear Brig, just wait until Trion schoolboys...
SILLYMUSIC! Diddly Simpson is on 'shrooms again... ok, he can never be as crazy as Malcolm "Trippin' With The Sea Devils In My Yellow Submarine" Clarke, but still...
Ah, the days when the simple procedure of Dropping In A Random Dalek guaranteed a cliffhanger and great viewing figures... no, wait...
Episode 3: I slept soundly for ten hours last night. Would buy sleeping aids from PertweeDalek1972 again. A+++++
They've left the cliffhanger music on all of these, I see... Three does the sensible thing and runs like fuck. Only to bump into something more terrifying than random Daleks: Eyeliner Man, in a dark and damp passage, pointing a gun at him.
That particular Dalek has a deep voice, he does. And speaks really slowly, too. What to do? Let's teleport the fuck outta here! I must say I love the effects of the people spinning about. You spin me right round baby right round... not as cute as Jo, though. Although now I'm imagining Pertwee in a miniskirt and kinky boots and wish I hadn't.
Aaahhaha, Kickarse: "this may come as a shock to you, but you've just travelled two hundred years through time." Of course, it doesn't. DO NOT GROPE EYELINER MAN, DOCTOR. IT HURTS MY BRAIN. Eyeliner Man responds by narrowing his eyes (so you can see the makeup and appreciate the lashes) and pouting. Like I didn't have enough screengrabs of him this story already... *cough*
*cri* they don't stop being slashy. Please, even I'm not perverted enough to slash Pertwee. Whether it's with The Slag From Sligo or not. STOP IT.
Kickarse: "We can't just leave him!"
Eyeliner (trying to be macho and sounding huskily slutty instead): "I can."
Saved by random Ogrons barging in? Er... right. Dalek ex machina, Teleport ex machina, Ogrons ex machina. Y'know, if I was a cynical, bitter OldSkool Whovian bitch, I'd say the writer was running out of ideas by this point. But that'd just be cruel of me, wouldn't it?
Is it wrong of me to start laughing every time the Ogrons speak? Speaking of funny sounds, whatever sounds they use for "footsteps" in this serial... er... those sounds are certainly, erm, alien. It sounds like a thousand tiny feet and by this point it sounds like bits of metal jingling. This is not the time to show us your piercings, Yates... bet Three has a Prince Albert. Oh, so the jingling was from Ogrons. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Ow. OW.
Crap Modern Buildings=Dystopian Future! This is depressingly true.
The Controller is way cleverer than the Daleks, these ones are useless. Especially if they think Ogrons are a match for kickarse chicks, men in eyeliner and porn 'taches. Haven't they learned? Even The Controller shows his leetness through ridiculous amounts of makeup.
Yet more camp performances: Gold Dalek. He might as well have a sequinned handbag swinging off his eyestalk. Now that'd actually be an interesting method of exterminating people: braining them with handbags...
Futuristic CCTV wins, because it has more blinkenlights. Also, it proves that Daleks are the ones who love surveillance the most. These guys *have* been reading up on their Terry Nation. I can't remember if this story has time bombs or radiation poisoning, but if it does, it'll be a full hat-trick (kickarse female guerrillas, surveillance, c'mon).
Slow Dalek wiggles about a lot. HEE. I prefer him to the camp one. Even though they're pretty stupid as Daleks go. And that's saying something. These guys are challenging the ones in The Chase if they keep up with the pointlessness. But at least they give The Controller some good Moments Of Angst.
The rebels are taking the Doctor's example--and have raided the cellar for cigars! Ha!
Another Porn Tache! We shall call him Butch Tache. Or Lord Flashheart. Whatevz. Where have I seen that guy before? Doesn't matter, it seems his butchness is unnerving Eyeliner Man. I can tell, because we get the most intense hardcore Eyelash Action sequences yet! Blimey!
Slaves! With bins! Hat-trick or Dalek story cliche? Can't decide. ROBOMEN WEAR LEATHER. Win! Although I miss their eyestalks:(. And speaking of bondage, Three gets knocked down by an Ogron!
The Controller is in Krantor mode AGAIN. I'm expecting him to offer Jo pataki cakes next. Jo looks, er, gratified. Hope she wipes the silver makeup off her bits afterwards. "Later on, I'll have a real treat in store for you." DA-DAAH! THE MAAN WITH THE SILVER COOOCK!
The Controller is a lot nicer post-shag. If this is what ditzy blondes do to his mood, I wonder what'd happen if they gave him John Leeson?
Fokkinell, that's a greepy grin and stare he gives Jo.
Oh noes, the Doctor's being beaten up! And tortured! And and and the Roboman guard is hysterically camp as well. They could've just called this Gay of the Daleks, seriously... it's still so slow that the camp'n'slash is its main attraction, really. Pertwee tries to combat this manfully with a few buttons undone, but is cracking under the pressure. Poor thing. Camp Roboman Guard pokes him with a whip. "Careful. Our friends here don't get much fun." "Poor fellows. I'm sorry I can't oblige at the moment, I'm not in the mood for games". HOLY SHIT. And more dodgy whip-pokeage/strokeage. Y'see, it's not just my slash goggles!
Uh-oh. The guard leaves, but the worst is to come: now The Controller is leering at Three. Even the Baddie Who Is Sekritly A Rebel can't help him.
Noes! Controller threatens Sekritly Rebel Guy! With the insertion of more Terry Nation cliches (if you fail, you and your family will die), just so people will think this was written by him... Sekrit Rebel Guy does some Good Acting. Which is quite interesting, considering everyone else's being OTT.
So far, all rebels apart from the female one and the eyelinery one have had 'taches. This must be significant. Perhaps the rebels punish bitching by shaving off a man's tache and kohling him up, and then bumming pointing and laughing at him?
NOES! Sekrit Rebel gets smashed inna head by Ogrons!SADFACEFULLSTOP.
The Controller offers Three wine from a hookah. In a really, really phallic shot, with that enormous bottleneck. This is just taking the piss!
Before Jo flashes her knickers at the audience, she sits with her legs splayed, offering Three a nice view, presumably. That girl is desperate...
"There will always be people who need discipline, Doctor". *shakes head* also, Jo has completely bought into it, and is even dimmer than usual. All that sexual frustration has killed whatever brain cells she has left...
Ooh, Three whips out The Gravitas and smacks The Controller with it. And starts to actually Bring It. About bloody time...
...and then Jo shows us her knickers. It's becoming a proper Pertwee story now. Jo screaming to distract the baddies! More Venusian Aikido! WIN! And Jo smashes the Dodgy Hookah-Like Bottle on the Ogron's head, saving the Doctor! GO JO!
Of course, the Robomen's motorist club just happens to leave bikes lying around. What do you call one of those things anyway? It's not a quad bike because it's got three wheels, so is it a motorised trike or somesuch? Those are just called "crawlers" in colloquial Finnish, so I'm not sure. Anyway. Fast Things left lying about when Pertwee's around. Oh dear oh dear. Easiest escape EVER. And probably the cheesiest chase ever, the Ogrons catching up easily, but the actors having to slow down:D.
Rebels! Butch Tache is being Manly at Eyeliner and Eyeliner confesses to being afraid. Butch Tache's hair looks like it's made of felt. Or cotton wool spraypainted yellow.
NO, NOT THE MIND PROBE! Or the Daleks' holiday snaps of previous Doctors! WZOOOOOOOOOOOMMM, diddlydum, diddlydum, diddlydum...
Episode 4: THANK GODS.
The Controller would prefer to interrogate The Doctor. Of course he would.
Doctor: *suffers manfully*
Rebels: *actually being effective instead of standing around smokin'n'bitchin'*
The Controller is the most interesting character in this, he still thinks the Daleks can be reasonable (AAAAHHAHAHA), yet has doubts. And Three Brings It again. "You, sir, are a traitor!" That's more like it.
I like The Controller's angst a lot. Yes. Poor man had to choose between free will and outrageous makeup. Tough choice, I can see that. Also, he's looking up Jo's skirt again. Muahhahaha! And he dismisses the rebels as a handful of fanatics. See, if this was B7, the game would be completely and utterly lost, but since it's Who, the rebels actually stand a chance! W00t! Free will AND outrageous makeup FTW!
Here we go, futuristic parking lots again... no wonder they kept re-using this place... at least it's not Betchworth Quarry.
Eyeliner looks like a rabid monkey when he shouts. The things you notice while screencapping... heroic self-sacrificing lunges! Dalek malfunctions when coming into contact with Eyeliner's force-field of Pure Unadulterated Bitch! Dalek asplode! Bits of corpse or bits o'Dalek! Gruesome!
Rebels being useful again. Butch Tache positively bristling. Three stops his gun-happy impulses, so The Controller can make his Angsty Face at the camera.
Yates to Brig: "We've been through every inch of the tunnel, sir." "I will need more men, sir." "You can have all you want.":D:D:D:D
Yes, I'm glad it took four episodes for The Doctor and Jo to actually get what the rebels have been aiming for. *eyeroll* Also, the rebels skulking and posing in the shadows while they Explain Their Plans to Doc'n'Jo... this is not the time to go cottaging!
Heyyyy! First Guy With Porn Tache is still alive! Win! His Running While Wounded is quite hysterical. And lookie, he's saved the big tit!
Also, I wouldn't be surprised if that actually still was Eyeliner skulking in the background--the guy in the shadows has the same haircut and sideburns, and they could've run out of actors. I refuse to believe it's just me being sad, of course.
DALEKANIUM! Win!
"You're trapped in a temporal paradox!" Only The Doctor can get lines like this! Made of winnage!
Roboman Guard is still being incredibly drawly. He sounds like Riff Raff...
Kickarse is ready to kick more arse! Arr!
Jo still has red pants. Lest we forget.
Escape Into Danger! The Insta-Ogrons are back! And and and The Controller angsts in vain and The Doctor is being fucking great *has more of his timebabies* and and and and YES. The Controller has a soft spot for them after all! He's actually grateful for the Doc saving his arse! WIN! Although now the Roboman Guard is going after The Controller! Aargh, he'll die after being rogered with a whip!
Benton! Being capable! I don't believe it...
Oh, the Daleks were merciful on poor Controller after all and just exterminated him. Thank goodness.
The news reporter immediately turns this into a Monty Python sketch...
Daleks and Ogrons attempt menace. It doesn't quite work. Although one Dalek taking down two UNIT guys at once is quite impressive. Not that UNIT soldiers were ever very good at anything, but...
Doctor: "Look, try and use your intelligence, man, even if you are a politician!"
Porn Tache still wants to blow everybody up.
Benton and Yates have an intense chat on their walkie-talkies. These boys go down together! I mean, um...
Ah, good old Brig. Whenever he waggles his swagger stick, you know he means business.
GET OUT OF THERE, JO! *flails at Jo* It's going to asplode!
UNIT have grenades. And get to blow up Daleks. No wonder they're grinning. Especially since there only are three Daleks there in the first place.
So the delegates are out--it be asplodey tiem noe? Also, fallen UNIT soldiers have, just by chance, draped themselves decoratively over the garden features. Captain Hawkins would be proud.
Ooh, Porn Tache wants to be a hero. More brave sacrifices. So, did he change history? Hmmmmm...
IT'S OVER! *dances*
Screencaps to come later, I must be a hardcore masochist to screencap something that took forever at *normal* speed...
[ETA: If I seem more crackheaded than usual, it's the show's fault. And the fact that I wrote this over two days. No sanity left whatsoever.]
[ETA: frankymole sums it up (am paraphrasing here): "If it's got Mike Yates in it and he's not the campest guy in it, it has to be wrong."]
ETA: Screencaps here.