out of touch
i feel like i have not been myself lately and im frustrated because i cant come up with a good explanation. i know work has been stressing me out and it shouldnt be...i realized today that i dont really have a life outside of it and its all that i care about right now. and it shouldnt be. yes, i like my job but there should be so much more than that...and thats never been a problem for me before. theres more i could say but im going to try to exercise "leaving work at work" and just let it go and move on.
so im also frustrated by the fact that theres nothing else for me to focus on right now...i never see my friends anymore cause we're all so busy. that i can change though. i think i just need to get back in touch now that i feel like i have a handle on work.
and of course theres matt, but hes in new york and thats an ongoing struggle for me. at the moment i feel like a bitch because i fought for more independence from him that he graciously granted me and then i didnt do anything with it. all i ended up doing was alienating myself.
and thats what it comes down to, i think...i think ive lost touch because ive been so self absorbed lately. i convinced myself that i was just being 'in tune with myself' and my own needs and comfort levels...so much so that i lost my ability to notice anyone else. which is something that is extremely important to me, im not half the person i should be if i cant be aware and supportive of those around me. funny how i was just complaining about other people not paying attention to me and thats exactly what i needed to change about myself.
and ive felt self-conscious lately...in a selfish way i think. ive been second guessing whether people like me or not in a way that makes me feel like a complete brat. i know that i have a 'baby of the family' complex in which i get a lot of attention and i thrive on it...i love being the favorite and i love feeling special...and all of a sudden im wondering why i should ever feel that way. what would anyone see in me that would make me stand out as the favorite or someone deserving of special attention? i look at all of my friends who are all so different and i could name every unique characteristic that i love about them...and i wonder what mine is.
and so the more i type this out, the more i think its all connected. and that makes me optimistic that i can do something about it. in the past, this chain of thoughts would have been a death spiral for me, leading to a depression that i would be convinced i could not get out of. but now that i think i understand myself, i know where to go from here to get back on track. basically, i need to get my head out of my ass and put my focus elsewhere...outside of work and on my friends and family. and then i will be in tune with myself again.
so im also frustrated by the fact that theres nothing else for me to focus on right now...i never see my friends anymore cause we're all so busy. that i can change though. i think i just need to get back in touch now that i feel like i have a handle on work.
and of course theres matt, but hes in new york and thats an ongoing struggle for me. at the moment i feel like a bitch because i fought for more independence from him that he graciously granted me and then i didnt do anything with it. all i ended up doing was alienating myself.
and thats what it comes down to, i think...i think ive lost touch because ive been so self absorbed lately. i convinced myself that i was just being 'in tune with myself' and my own needs and comfort levels...so much so that i lost my ability to notice anyone else. which is something that is extremely important to me, im not half the person i should be if i cant be aware and supportive of those around me. funny how i was just complaining about other people not paying attention to me and thats exactly what i needed to change about myself.
and ive felt self-conscious lately...in a selfish way i think. ive been second guessing whether people like me or not in a way that makes me feel like a complete brat. i know that i have a 'baby of the family' complex in which i get a lot of attention and i thrive on it...i love being the favorite and i love feeling special...and all of a sudden im wondering why i should ever feel that way. what would anyone see in me that would make me stand out as the favorite or someone deserving of special attention? i look at all of my friends who are all so different and i could name every unique characteristic that i love about them...and i wonder what mine is.
and so the more i type this out, the more i think its all connected. and that makes me optimistic that i can do something about it. in the past, this chain of thoughts would have been a death spiral for me, leading to a depression that i would be convinced i could not get out of. but now that i think i understand myself, i know where to go from here to get back on track. basically, i need to get my head out of my ass and put my focus elsewhere...outside of work and on my friends and family. and then i will be in tune with myself again.