confessions of a fangirl.
i don't know if they'll ever be 5 again,
but i felt something there when i read that jaejoong called a few times.
he said that the line even got through at some point (back then) but then suddenly it's no more.
maybe no one picked up the phone (?)
but at least, he tried. he made the effort.
knowing that he has the heart to actually try and reach out amidst all that mess
knowing that they meant something to him for him to actually pick up the phone and call
knowing that he wants to talk and speak to them and be spoken to by them
then i guess i kinda understood how someone like him can really grow on you.
heart on sleeves, on chest, on eyes on every single teardrops every string of melody every note of his songs
there lay his heart.
when people were gradually pushing the blame on him and on the 3 of them as a whole, at first i thought that i didn't really understand why because i'm jae-biased.
because i'm a fangirl.
because i've liked him even before i heard him sing, because he has that one-of-a-kind way of expressing things.
so for a while, i went through numerous articles, trans, tweets, just to see if there is any hint of anything which supports that notion, anywhere, just any little bit at all.
i wanted to know if maybe ahh, it's not how i think it is, i'm just blinded by my infatuation or something.
but then i saw them coming into terms with the current situation.
i saw them struggling to face reality, to start anew, and to not hide away in the midst of all the storm.
i saw them facing questions head-on, fending for the 5 of them and still responding honestly and sincerely.
i saw them and i didn't see any hate or resentment. maybe some anger or frustration, and definitely a portion of sadness, but no, there wasn't any real hatred evident.
at least through these eyes of mine.
i somehow understood.
so now
as much as a 2-membered tvxq and a 3-membered JYJ hurts me
as much as i tried avoiding listening to them before they were 5 again
i understand that
none of it was done with bad intentions.
sometimes things just had to be done and along the way, people getting hurt are unfortunately unavoidable, as what constitutes as the collateral damage.
i let their songs accompany me throughout the years that i was a growing teen entering into young adulthood.
those emotional roller-coaster rides that i go through, i vent with their songs.
when i can't talk about things i just sing. or listen. or sleep with the music on.
it wasn't everything, but it was something like a mechanism for me to find release.
so of course,
i was, along with probably thousands out there, part of the collateral damage of this split too.
it was like how a sinking ship can't exactly ensure that every single soul on it would be rescued alive.
so yeah.
it hurts but i understand.
i was avoiding their current music undertakings for a while because i'm not ready to listen to their duo / trio endeavours.
maybe that makes me a very bad fan, but i don't know.
perhaps i just needed this feeling to subside and allow some sort of acceptance to set in.
for now i guess i do appreciate the fact that they are still working hard to make music even when i have yet to listen to the new them and their musical creations.
so i think
the difference now would probably be that my faith is rooted more in kim youngwoong jaejoong because of how he lays his heart.