Jokes

[snowdrop_kitten]

Tech

A 21st Century Marriage

One afternoon after work, I stopped at a florist, to pick up a dozen of roses for my wife.
As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man bursts through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened buddy?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"Worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

Life Before the Computer

An APPLICATION, was for employment.
A PROGRAM, was a TV show.
A CURSOR, was someone who used profanity
A KEYBOARD, was a piano.
MEMORY, was something that you lost with old age.
A CD, was your savings in a bank account.
A 3 1/2 INCH FLOPPY, was something you never spoke of.
COMPRESS, was something you did to your garbage.
If you UNZIPPED, it was never in public.
LOG ON, was adding wood to your fire.
HARD DRIVE, was a long trip on a rough road.
A MOUSE PAD, was where a mouse lived.
A BACKUP, was a plumbing problem.
CUT, you did to your finger.
PASTE, you did with glue.
A WEB, was something a spider made.
A VIRUS, meant you were ill.
I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper, and the memory in my brain.

Macho Computer

A female computer consultant was helping this macho type guy, set up his computer. As she gets to the preference set-up, she asks him for a password.
Attempting to embarrass the pretty female, he tells her to enter "PENIS". Without blinking or any response, she enters the password.
She almost dies laughing at the computer's quick response:
"PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH."

Sexual

50th Wedding Anniversary

There was this couple, who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
That morning, while sitting at the breakfast table, the husband says to his wife, “Just think honey, we’ve actually made it fifty years together”.
“Yeah” she replies, fifty years ago today, we were sitting here in this very kitchen.
“I remember”, says the old man, “But we were probably sitting here naked”. With that comment, granny starts to chuckle.
What do you think hot cakes, one more time for the good ole’ days. With that, they both stripped to the buff, and sit back down at the table.
“You know honey” the little old lady breathlessly says. My nipples are as hot for you today, as they were 50 years ago.
“That doesn't surprise me”, replies the old man, “One nipple is in your coffee, and other one is in your oatmeal”.

Bug-B-Gone

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom, discovers the man in the closet.
Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
"What are you doing in there?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looks down at himself and yells, "Those little bastards!"

Crazy Things

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall one afternoon.
A few minutes later, a young man walks up and sits directly across from him. His hair was spiked in many different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked up, he caught the old man staring.
The young guy was now getting upset, and finally says sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, haven't you ever done anything crazy in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replies, "Actually I did, about 25 years ago, I got drunk one night and had sex with a parrot.
"And I was just wondering if by chance, you could be my son".

Escaped Convict

A man escapes from a prison after being there for over 15 years.
While on the run, he breaks into a house looking for money and guns, but only to find a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying up the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen honey, this guy is an escaped prisoner, you can tell by his clothing! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and most likely hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist or complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy looks very dangerous, and if he gets angry, he may just kill us.
Be strong, honey, and remember I love you very much."
His wife answers back, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
"Be strong honey, and remember I love you very much, too."

Getting Excited

Two guys are in a strip joint, with one sitting in front of the other.
A young beautiful woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back starts yelling, "Oh yeah baby, take it off!"
The guy in the front turns around and says, "hey man, hold down the noise!"
Then two women come out, and start stripping. The guy in back once again starts his yelling, "Yeah ..ohhhhh....yeah, do it!"
Once again the guy in front turns around and tells the guy to be quiet.
Three women come out and start dancing, stripping and hugging each other. This time, the guy in back is dead silent.
The guy up front says, "Hey man, where's all your excitement now?"
It's all over the back of your shirt!"

John's Retirement Poem

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out, what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout.
Time was when of it's own accord from my trousers it would spring, but now I have a full time job finding the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.
As old age approaches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang it's withered-head, and watch me tie my shoes.

Morris & Lou-Anne

At 85 years of age, Morris proposes and marries Lou-Anne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Because her new husband is so much older, Lou-Anne decides that on their wedding night she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms.
The young bride is concerned that her new husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Lou-Anne prepares herself for bed, and waits for that guaranteed "knock" on her door from here new husband.
Sure enough the knock comes, she opens the door, and there he is, the 85 year-old groom, ready for some bedroom exploits.
They unite as husband and wife, and all goes better than the young bride anticipated. Morris takes leave of Lou-Anne, as she prepares to go to sleep.
A few minutes, Lou-Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris, and he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents and they indulge in more honeymoon play.
When they’re done, Morris again kisses Lou-Anne, bids her a fond good night and departs for his room.
However, after a few short minutes, there’s yet another knock at her door, and there he is again...Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for some more adult action.
Once again they enjoy some bedroom frolic. As Morris gets ready to leave for his room, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed with your virility at your age, honey! I've known men less than a third your age who were only good once! You're truly a wonderful lover Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou-Anne and says, "You mean I’ve been here already?"

Newly Weds

The wife of a newly wed couple, is determined to be the perfect mate to her man.
So on their first day as husband and wife, she spends most of the day in the kitchen and prepares a meal for him that would be fit for a king.
The husband arriving home from work, looks at the food and says, "Honey, the food looks wonderful, but what I really want is SEX".!!!!
Trying to be the perfect wife, off to the bedroom they go.
The next day, she again cooks a seven course meal, for her hard working husband.
Arriving home the second evening, he again looks at the food and says, "Honey it looks great, but what I really need is SEX". !!!!
With no questions asked, it's off to the bedroom once again.
On the third evening, the husband comes home to a bizarre site. He sees his wife stark naked, sliding down the banister.
Dazed and confused, he asks her what she was doing?
She boldly replies, "Nothing much, JUST HEATING UP YOUR DINNER".

Not My Occupation

One day a woman tells her husband that the TV was broken and she was missing her favorite shows.
"Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asks.
"No," she says.
A few hours later she comes back and tells him that the porch step was broken and how dangerous the situation was.
"Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" he asks.
"No," she said again.
A few minutes later she again returns and tells him the toilet was backed up.
"Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" again he replies.
"No," she answers.
A couple of days later he's off a business trip. When he returns home he asks his wife how things have been.
"Well," she said, "our neighbor down the street came over and fixed our TV, repaired our porch, and unclogged our pipes."
"What did he ask for in payment?" he wonders.
"All he asked for, was a home made cake or a romp in the sack," she tells her husband.
"What kind of cake did you make?" he asks.
She looked at him smugly and says: "Do you see Betty Crocker anywhere on my forehead?"

Product Survey

A market researcher walks up the driveway to the next house and rings the door bell. A young woman with three small children running around her, answers the door.
He asks, if she would agree in taking a short survey, and answer a few questions
The young mother agrees with no problem.
He begins by asking her if she heard of his company, Cheeseborough - Ponds.
When she said no, he mentions that one of their many products was "Vaseline" petroleum jelly, and was certain she knew of the product.
When asked if she used the item, she replies, "Why yes, I do".
And how is the product used the man asks?
She quickly responds "To assist in sexual intercourse",
The interviewer is amazed. He says, "I have asked that question thousands of times, and everyone always replies by saying they it for their child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse.
Since you've been so frank and honest with me, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who enjoys wearing very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man comes into the store and glances at the clerk and begins comparing all the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread-on the very top shelf, he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."
She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would.
When coming down the ladder, he explains to her that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customers figures out what's going on. Thinking quickly, he also orders a loaf of raisin bread so he too can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below.
She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her and who hasn't placed his order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at down at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"
No, croaked the old man, "but it is quivering'

Real Embarrassment

What’s the most embarrassing thing a man could do?
Run into a wall with an erection and break his nose first.

Sad story at the park

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
The old women replies, "Because I can't remember where I live!"

Sexual Harassment

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells very nice.
With this same routine happening day after day, the woman becomes totally frustrated, and decides to go to Human Resources.
Without identifying the guy, she explains the actions of her co-worker, and expresses her desire to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by her approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells very nice?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Surrogate Father

The Nelson's were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Nelson kisses his wife and says, "I'm off, the donor should be here shortly."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rings the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Nelson chimes in.
"Really?" the photographer replies. "Well, good!? I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asks, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Nelson.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Nelson said quietly.
The photographer opens his briefcase and pulls out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Nelson exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Nelson.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.? People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Nelson, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.? Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Nelson leans forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... wake up, are you all right Good Lord, she's fainted!"

The Honeymoon

The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.
The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.
The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.
The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following:
"Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the dirt-bag that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly."

Third Time Lucky

I've been married 3 times, but none were ever consummated.
My first husband was a gynecologist, and all he did was look at it.
Husband number two was a psychologist, and all he would do is talk to it.
Hubby number three was a stamp collector, and oooohh, how I reallyyyyyyyyyyyyy miss him!!!

Urges

The new Marine Corps Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert, in Iraq.
During his first inspection, he notices a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. Curious, he asks the First Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sometimes the men have, ur .... urges. I hope you can understand that, Sir.
"I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay", the Captain replies.
About a month later, the Captain starts having a problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has his way with the animal.
When he was done, he asks the First Sergeant, if that's how the men do it?
"No sir," the First Sergeant quickly replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town".

Who Enjoys Sex More

A man and a woman who met each other while having a few drinks at local bar, were having a general conversation, when suddenly they started bantering back and forth about male and female issues.
They talked about which gender were better in certain sports, who made the better entertainer, etc. The flirting and bickering continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. This led into an argument about who enjoyed sex more, men or women.
The guy says, "Men obviously enjoy sex much more than women. Why do you think we fantasize about sex every three minutes!" He then went on for what seemed like an eternity arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men patrons in the bar for their opinions.
The woman listened quietly, until he finally finished trying to make his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman counters. "Think about this. When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out....which feels better, your ear or, your finger?"

Criminal - Police

Drug Charges

After capture and posting bond, two young men are released from jail for 30 days pending their trial for possession of drugs.
When their trial date finally arrived, they found themselves standing before the Judge facing 5 long years in prison.
The Judge, looking down at the two young men from his bench, was attempting to be empathetic with their case. He asks the first young man, “If you can tell me anything you have done, that has helped people in any way, while out on bond for the last 30 days, I will be lenient on your jail time”.
He replies, “Thank you sir. In the last 30 days I’ve gotten 16 people off drugs and this is how I did it.
He begins by asking for a pen and paper, and draws a very small circle. While pointing to the circle, he starts by saying, “I simply explained to the kids, that the small circle represented their brain on drugs. Then I drew a large circle and told them that this was their brain if they stayed off of drugs. Realizing that they would be able to use more of their brain capacity without drugs, they all decided to quit using drugs. And that’s how I did it your honor.
The Judge after listening to the young man, felt he made good sense, and only sentenced him to 30 days in county jail.
Then the second young man was ordered to step up to the bench. The Judge them asks him the same question.
He also begins by drawing two circles on a piece of paper, one large and one small.
“Judge”, he says, “I got 80 people off drugs and here’s how I did it”. As he points to the smaller of the two circles, he says, “This is your rectum before you go to prison”.
Drunk Driver

A female police officer arrests a redneck for drunk driving.
The officer says, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"BREASTS"

Emergency

This man was going up to bed when his wife tells him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom window.
Looking for himself, he sees some unknown people in his shed, and it appears that they are stealing things.
He phones the police and explains his emergency, but they tell him no was is available in his area to help.
He hangs up the phone, counts to 60, and phones the police again.
"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed stealing my property. Well, you don't have to worry about them now, because I've just shot all of them".
Within three minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, to include the S.W.A.T. Team, and Paramedics
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One policeman says to home owner: "The dispatcher reported that you'd shot them all"!
"That’s strange, the dispatcher told me there was nobody in the area"!

Occupied in Prison

Three convicts on their way to prison, were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turns to another and says, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulls out various tubes of artist paints and explains that he intends to paint anything he could. His ultimate dream is to become the Leonardo Di Vinci of prison.
Then he asks the first, "So what did you bring?"
The first convict pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "I brought a deck of cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and all sorts of games."
The third convict just sits quietly while grinning to himself.
The other two convicts notice his arrogance and ask. "So what did you bring, that your sitting there so smug?
The third guy digs into his suitcase, and pulls out a box of tampons, smiles and says, "I brought these."
Now puzzled, the other two ask, "And just what do you think your going to do with them"?
He grins, points to the box and says, "It reads here on the box, that I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating and do many other activities...."

State Trooper

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side off the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch.
"My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day"

Traffic Violation

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the woman's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines her drivers license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: I suppose that lying bastard told you that I was speeding too!
Bar - Drinking

An Old Cowboy

An old cowboy goes to a local bar and orders a drink. While sitting and sipping away at his whiskey, a young lady sits down next to him.
She turns to the cowboy and asks, "Are you a real cowboy"?
He replies, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She says, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
Silence takes over their conversation, as they slowly work on their drinks.
A short time later, another man sits down on the other side of the old cowboy and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"
The cowboy answers, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Can't Do That

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the Interstate.
He tells the driver to blow a breath into the breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer", the driver says.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could never stop bleeding and I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Fishing in Central Park

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, with a fishing rod in his hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.
"Depressing" says a passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walks up to the old man and asks, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishing, sir."
"Fishing, eh. Well how would you like to come and have a drink with me?"
The old man stands-up, puts his rod away and follows the kind stranger to the corner bar. He orders a large glass of Chevas on the rocks, and a fine cigar.
His host starts feeling good about helping this old man, and he asks, "Tell me, old timer, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow takes a long drag on the cigar, blows a careful ring of smoke and replies, "You are my sixth catch today".

Just Too Sexy

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome and extremely sexy man enters.
He was so striking, that the woman couldn't take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man notices her overly attentive stare and walks directly towards her, as most men would.
Before she could offer her apology for rudely staring, he leans over and whispers in her ear, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky for $20.00...... and only under one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asks what that one condition was.
The stud replies, "You must be able to tell me what you want, in just three words."
The woman considers his proposition for a moment, then slowly removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address.
She looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully says...
"Clean my house."
Battle of the Sexes

A Kodak Moment

A guy says to his wife, "I would like to take a picture of your breasts and than have it framed."
His wife replies, "Only if I can take a picture of your penis and have it enlarged."

A Little Gift

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he says to the clerk at SAKS 5th Avenue,
She immediately shows him a bottle of "OPIUM" costing $200.00.
"That's a bit much," Tim says, so she returns with a bottle of "BOUCHERON" costing $100.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complains.
Growing annoyed, the clerk gets a bottle of "EDEN" that costs $50.00 a bottle.
"That’s not exactly what I'm looking for Tim says", "I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty."
The clerk hands him a mirror.

A Made Man

A woman was bragging to her friend one day, "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"Really" says her friend, "And what was he before you married him"?
"A billionaire."

A Woman's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Adding some Excitement

A young woman who had been married for several years, was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sex life, and finally decides to purchase some erotic clothing.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and while her husband was watching television, she takes a bath and dresses in her purchased pair of crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.
She then strolls between her husband and the television and suggestively tosses one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this big boy?" she purrs.
"Are you kidding?", he replies, "Look at what it did to those panties!"

Birthday Suit

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbor's would say if I mowed the lawn in my birthday suit?"
"Nothing, other than I probably married you for your money,"

Bravery or Insanity

Upon arriving home very late after a boy's night out, your immediately assaulted by your wife with a broom.
After all of that, you still have the guts to ask: "Er... are you still cleaning... or are you flying off somewhere?"

Cash, Check or Charge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled through her pocketbook for her wallet, I noticed a TV remote control in her purse.
Now curious I asked "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and begins wandering up and down the aisles.
A sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
Why "Yes" he answers. "I'm looking for a box of tampons for my wife.
"No problem" she replies, as she directs him to the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a wad of string on the counter.
Confused, she asks "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?
It's like this" replies the man, "Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper was her comment.
"So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she".

Cutting Expenses

During a heated argument over their finances, the husband declares, "Well, if you learned to cook and clean this place on your own, we could fire the maid."
"Oh yeah", the wife shouts back!! Well, if you knew how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Deathbed

Fred was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a constant vigil by his side.
As she held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace. Susan, I had an affair with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

Filing for Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "Ma'am what are the grounds for your divorce?"
She answers, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," the Judge says, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responds.
"I mean," he continues, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband's parents."
Again the Judge asks, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she says, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please, is there any infidelity in your marriage" asks the Judge.
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asks, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replies "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

God's Creation

A man comments to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and yet so beautiful, all at the same time.
" The wife responds, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.
"He also made me stupid so I could fall in love with you.”

Gorgeous Wives

One day while reading a newspaper, a man finds a picture of a famous celebrity and his gorgeous wife.
Slightly jealous, he turns to my wife and says, "It's seems unfair, that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful wives."
His wife smiles and says, "Why, thank you dear."

I've Lost my Wife

A man approaches a very beautiful and voluptuous woman at a Department Store and says, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere, can you please talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman now puzzled says, "Why do you need to talk to me"?
"Because every time I talk to a woman with a body like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere "

Lousy Lover

This guy calls up his lawyer, to tell him he wants to file for a divorce.
His attorney inquires, as to the grounds for the suit.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's you're reason for suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."

Lovers Spat

A couple drives down a country road for several miles without saying a word each other.
As it was, an earlier discussion led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they pass a country farm with mules, goats and pigs, the husband sarcastically remarks, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replies, "My In-laws."

Mood Ring

My husband, who is not very happy with my mood swings, goes out and buys me a mood ring. Now, he’s able to monitor my moods at any time.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big ugly red mark, right on his forehead.
Maybe next time, he’ll buy me a diamond!!!

Moral of the Story

A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells PIG!!
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, BITCH!!
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and wrecks his car.
MORAL OF THE STORY: If only men would listen.

My Fiftieth Birthday

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 A.M. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&!*#S(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

My Husband is Missing

A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband is missing.
The policeman asks for a physical description of the man. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
Her next-door neighbor loudly protests, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to you and your children."
The wife replies, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Pleasing a Women

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a five (5) story hotel with a sign that reads: FOR WOMEN ONLY. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they all decide to go in.
The young bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors here at the hotel. You go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's very easy to decide, since each floor has a sign explaining what can be expected".
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: All the men on this floor are: SHORT & PLAIN. The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are: SHORT & HANDSOME. Still, this isn't good enough, so the women continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are: TALL & PLAIN. They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continue on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are: TALL & HANDSOME. The women get very excited and start going in, when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are truly missing, they all decide to go up to the fifth floor.
When they arrive, they find an empty floor, with a lonely sign that reads: NO MEN HERE.
This floor was built to prove one thing: THERE IS NO WAY TO PLEASE A WOMEN.

The Divorce

A husband and wife are driving along the Interstate doing the speed limit of 65 mph.
With the husband behind the wheel, his wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce".
The husband says nothing at all, but slowly increases his speed to 70 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it. I've been having an affair with your best friend Tom, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet, as both his anger and traveling speed increase.
She continues by saying, "I want the house."
Again he speeds up, now up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband continues driving faster and faster, as he exceeds 85 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the bank account and all the credit cards too."
At 90 mph, he slowly starts to veer the car towards a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
"The only Airbag."

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club.
Without notice, this stunning young woman comes over to their table, and gives the husband a big kiss, and says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce what it really means.
No more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club. We'll have to sell the 26-room house and move into two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Our's is prettier."

The Right Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do any more.
Whenever I go home after drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, take my shoes off before I go into the house.
I sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom, and slowly ease into bed, yet my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.!"
His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech the tires in the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, than slap her on the butt and say, "WHO'S HORNY"? and she acts like she didn't hear a peep and is sound asleep.

Understanding Women - Once Again

I finally have come to the realization, that I will never understand women.
How can you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root and still be afraid of spiders.

Winter Vacation

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood for the fire.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing again!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop enough wood to get them through the week. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Blondes

A Blondes Las Vegas Trip

A plane is on its way to Las Vegas when a blonde in Economy Class gets up, moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Las Vegas and I'm staying right here"!!
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there's a blonde sitting in First Class that belongs in economy class and won't move back to her assigned seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that, because she only paid for Economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Las Vegas and I'm staying right here"!!!!
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde".
He goes back to the blonde & whispers something in her ear.
She says, "Oh, I'm sorry", gets up and moves back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Las Vegas".

A Death In The Family

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be OK??" "No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

Adult Video

A blonde named Mary decides it's time for her to do something wild, exciting and new.
After some thought, she decides to rent her first X-Rated adult video.
Upon arriving at the store and looking around for a while, she selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing on the tape but static. So she calls the video store to complain.
I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static.
I'm sorry about that, we've had some problems with our tapes recently.
Which title did you rent?
Mary replies, "HEAD CLEANER".

Blonde One-Liners
What did the blonde say when her doctor told her she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
What did the blonde say as the sod truck passed her? When I'm rich, I'm gonna have my lawn sent out to be mowed too.

Blondes & Computers

How can you tell if an office computer was used by a Blonde?
The screen is covered with White-Out

Bruises

Why did the blonde have a bruised bellybutton?
Blonde guys are stupid, too!

Car Problems

A Blonde's car breaks down while driving on the Interstate. Miraculously, she is able to coast her car off the highway and onto to the shoulder of the road.
She cautiously steps out of the car and promptly opens-up the trunk. Simultaneously, two men wearing trench coats, jump out and walk twenty feet behind the blonde's car.
They stand facing on-coming traffic and quickly open their coats and start exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
As expected, one of the worst pile-ups in the history of driving occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The policeman clearly enraged, approaches the blonde and yells, "What the hell is going on here?"
"Nothing Officer, My car broke down," She explains calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" Screams the cop.
"Oh, those two", she replies, "Their just my emergency flashers!"

Driving a Blonde Crazy

How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Grenade

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back!

Having a Baby

A blonde, brunette and a redhead, all good friends are each 3 months pregnant.
The redhead comes out with, "I’m having a baby boy". The blonde asks, "How do you know that"
The redhead says, "When we were having sex, I was on top"
The brunette then says "Than I must be having a baby girl, since I was on the bottom when we were having sex"
The blonde begins to cry uncontrollably. Both friends ask why she is so upset.
I’m going to have puppies"

Indecent Exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, and her right breast exposed.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

Teaching a Blonde Mathematics

How do you teach a blonde math?
Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, plant the square root and leave your solution

The Blonde & the Milk Bath

A pretty blonde heard that milk baths would make her even more beautiful.
So the next day, she leaves a note for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt that she may have made a mistake and that she probably meant 1 1/2 gallons. So he knocks on her door to reconfirm her order.
The blonde answers the door, and the milkman says, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk and I want to make sure it wasn't 1 1/2 gallons?"
The blonde says, "No, I really do want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with the milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
"No" the blonde says, " Just up to my breasts."

The Blonde Buys Condoms

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some condoms (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of condoms?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "plus 7 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."

The Interview

The local sheriff was looking for another deputy for the county, and a young blonde decides to interview for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff asks, "What is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replies.
The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she is right."
Then the sheriff asks, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".
"Today and tomorrow." the blonde quickly responses.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asks the sheriff.
The blonde a little surprised at his question, thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."
The sheriff then suggests, that she goes home and work on it for a while?"
So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "It went great! My first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

The Titanic and a Blonde

What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
We know how many men went down on the Titanic.

The Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
When it was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked,
"Is the vacuum on or off?"

Tight Fit

This guy who was sitting at the bar most of the evening, was staring at this blonde who was wearing the tightest jeans he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks over and asks, "I really need to know, just how do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Two Blondes

Two blondes walked into a bar...
You would have thought, one of them would have seen it!

Two Red Ears

A blonde goes to her doctors one day with two red ears.
The doctor immediately asks what happened.
She explains to the doctor, that while she was ironing, the phone rang and she accidentally picked the iron up by mistake.
The doctor says, "what happened to the other ear"?
"The phone rang again".

Lawyers

A Fitting Punishment

A man dies and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the Devil himself.
As he passes sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he sees a lawyer that he recognizes, snuggling up next to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Driving Fun

A truck driver frequently traveled through this one town, where the courthouse sat on the side of this well traveled road.
Throughout most of the day, there were always plenty of lawyers that walked along this particular road. Because of this, it was a common practice for him, to try and hit any pedestrian lawyer with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. Continuing on and approaching the town, the driver spots a lawyer walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but suddenly remembered who his passenger was. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "thump" and in the rear view mirror, and sees a lawyer rolling across the field.
He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."
You certainly did my son, but that's OK, I got him with the door."

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell.
He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements.
After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and toilets that flush and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should have never been sent down there in the first place. Send him back up here immediately."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Keeping in Practice

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around and yells, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer buddy, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Last Will and Testament

A lawyer was reading the last will and testament of the deceased, to the heir's of his fortune.
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my beautiful daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going. I leave you the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong once again.
Hi Dan!"

Love Pays the Bills

A guy walks into a post office one day, and see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a bottle of perfume, and starts spraying scent all over them.
With his curiosity getting the best of him, he goes up to the balding man, and asks him what he was doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?"
"I'm a divorce attorney,"

Pre-Determined Occupation

Just as a young man was about to get his chest X-rayed, the equipment slips and his pelvic region gets zapped in error.
“Oh, no!” cries the X-Ray Technician. “Your reproductive organs just received a high dose of radiation!”
“Is that serious"? asked the worried young man.
“Very serious,” replied the technician. “All your children will now be lawyers.”

Small Town Lawyer

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
During a trial in a Southern small town, a prosecuting attorney calls his first witness, an elderly grand-mother, to the stand.
He approaches the woman and asks, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?
"She responds, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he points across the room and asks, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replies, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney after hearing Mrs. Jones, almost falls to the floor.
The judge quickly asks both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, says, "Neither of you two dirt bags better ask her if she knows me."

Visiting the Cemetery

A woman and her little girl go to cemetery to visit the grave of the child's grandmother.
On their way through the resting place and back to their car, the little girl asks, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replies the mother. "Why would you think that?"
"Because the tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a Lawyer and an honest man.'"