To send or not to send?
Dave,
I just wanted to talk to you about what's been on mymind the last few days, just to get it off my chest, really. I'm still pining for you, I need to tell you that. Every now and again I still wish there was some magic thing I could do to make you somehow like me all of a sudden. But I know there isn't; nobody can control or predict another person's feelings and I totally understand and respect that there just wasn't any spark for you. I know I'll get over this shit, and soon as well. Probably as soon as I get this off my chest now. I just wanted you to know that if you were to change your mind and say you want to start again, I'd totally be up for that :P But I'm not dellusional and I don't expect that to happen.
I guess it's that we're still talking online, which for some reason I didn't expect when we broke up. Don't get me wrong, I want to stay friends and with the exception of only one of my ex boyfriends I always stay at least on good terms with my exes. I hate losing the friendship part of relationships when the romantic part dies. I don't think I anticipated that you would be so happy to do that straight away, though. I don't know what I expected to be honest. Anyway, I was will on my way to being over you after a couple of days. Sure, I still liked you but I was expecting that in the near future I'd forget those feelings and be ready to hit up Oasis Active again (I don't really want a new boyfriend, I just want to know that there are other decent guys out there, that you're not the only one, and that my last opportunity with one hasn't just passed me by. I think I would be totally sad if you found a new girlfriend quickly, though, I guess that's a double standard.).
So, yeah, I still wanted you, but I expected that want to pass soon enough. But it hasn't passed yet because I've become really fucking confused by Friday night and your "flirting" (for lack of a better word?) with me. I'd actually had a little bit to drink so I guess I let you "flirt" with me, but I don't think I encouraged it or reciprocated (although I did want to). But it's sort of really messed with my head! I have so many questions which I feel stupid for asking because I don't think you put any thought into what you were saying and can't possibly have real answers to offer.
You'd been drinking. You were horny. And it's probably as simple as that for you. There was probably no intention, not even subconscious intention. But I'm still confused and somewhat hurt by what it means (even though it probably means nothing, see how it just keeps on going round and round? Stupid!) You talked about "touching, squeezing, pinching" my breasts. You asked to see them after the surgery "because that's what friends are for". But that's *not* what *ex boyfriends* are for. That's not what *you* are for. Not anymore, anyway. So, no, you can't see them after my surgery. I want you to know that. I feel like for that moment on Friday night you wanted, or perhaps even expected, something sexual, with no strings attached, to be able to happen in the future. Because the sex between us was fucking awesome, at least for me and I think for you as well, and I still crave you sexually for that simple reason. But it's not going to happen, I don't want it to, and it hurt me that you would imply that it *could* happen, so soon after DUMPING me. It hurt because I want there to be MORE than that between us and it sort of gave me a hope that maybe you do want me, at the same time as crushing that hope because you don't want me as a girlfriend --- you just find my tits a bit of a novelty.
So that fresh hurt, after the initial one of the breakup that I was well on my way to recovering from, put me a couple of steps back. But I've been trying to play it cool with you all the same. Trying to just act normal and get back on track. I was dying with curiosity though all day yesterday. It really messed with my head! Were you drunk? And if so, do you even remember that conversation? Do you know that you were fucking with my head? Because I want you to know that that's what you were doing! Do you really still think of me or were you just bored at the time? All this over-analysing and here I am trying to pretend I don't care. It's just been doing my head in and I have to get it out of my system. I want to know exactly what you're thinking, if you had or have any nagging second thoughts, before I can totally move on. So I won't be wondering "what if?" for the next bloody week and a half. You have to understand how much time I have to let these thoughts foster and what little opportunity I have to vent them! It's driving me a bit nuts!
So now I *have* vented I feel a bit silly that I've let it all get to me, but I still feel the need to let you know what I've been thinking, I don't know why. And I guess I'm hoping that you'll have something to say in return as well. "A penny for your thoughts," kind of thing. Hopefully you don't just think I'm a dick. I make no apologies for being like this, though, because I don't think it's terribly unusual for someone to react like this so it can't be completely unexpected and fucked up to you. I mean I think you understand females' capacity to overthink things that are actually quite insignificant. I know this is insignificant in the grand scale of things. It's been playing on my head like it's bigger than what it is and I just feel I can let it go now. Phew.
From Justine (obviously).
I just wanted to talk to you about what's been on mymind the last few days, just to get it off my chest, really. I'm still pining for you, I need to tell you that. Every now and again I still wish there was some magic thing I could do to make you somehow like me all of a sudden. But I know there isn't; nobody can control or predict another person's feelings and I totally understand and respect that there just wasn't any spark for you. I know I'll get over this shit, and soon as well. Probably as soon as I get this off my chest now. I just wanted you to know that if you were to change your mind and say you want to start again, I'd totally be up for that :P But I'm not dellusional and I don't expect that to happen.
I guess it's that we're still talking online, which for some reason I didn't expect when we broke up. Don't get me wrong, I want to stay friends and with the exception of only one of my ex boyfriends I always stay at least on good terms with my exes. I hate losing the friendship part of relationships when the romantic part dies. I don't think I anticipated that you would be so happy to do that straight away, though. I don't know what I expected to be honest. Anyway, I was will on my way to being over you after a couple of days. Sure, I still liked you but I was expecting that in the near future I'd forget those feelings and be ready to hit up Oasis Active again (I don't really want a new boyfriend, I just want to know that there are other decent guys out there, that you're not the only one, and that my last opportunity with one hasn't just passed me by. I think I would be totally sad if you found a new girlfriend quickly, though, I guess that's a double standard.).
So, yeah, I still wanted you, but I expected that want to pass soon enough. But it hasn't passed yet because I've become really fucking confused by Friday night and your "flirting" (for lack of a better word?) with me. I'd actually had a little bit to drink so I guess I let you "flirt" with me, but I don't think I encouraged it or reciprocated (although I did want to). But it's sort of really messed with my head! I have so many questions which I feel stupid for asking because I don't think you put any thought into what you were saying and can't possibly have real answers to offer.
You'd been drinking. You were horny. And it's probably as simple as that for you. There was probably no intention, not even subconscious intention. But I'm still confused and somewhat hurt by what it means (even though it probably means nothing, see how it just keeps on going round and round? Stupid!) You talked about "touching, squeezing, pinching" my breasts. You asked to see them after the surgery "because that's what friends are for". But that's *not* what *ex boyfriends* are for. That's not what *you* are for. Not anymore, anyway. So, no, you can't see them after my surgery. I want you to know that. I feel like for that moment on Friday night you wanted, or perhaps even expected, something sexual, with no strings attached, to be able to happen in the future. Because the sex between us was fucking awesome, at least for me and I think for you as well, and I still crave you sexually for that simple reason. But it's not going to happen, I don't want it to, and it hurt me that you would imply that it *could* happen, so soon after DUMPING me. It hurt because I want there to be MORE than that between us and it sort of gave me a hope that maybe you do want me, at the same time as crushing that hope because you don't want me as a girlfriend --- you just find my tits a bit of a novelty.
So that fresh hurt, after the initial one of the breakup that I was well on my way to recovering from, put me a couple of steps back. But I've been trying to play it cool with you all the same. Trying to just act normal and get back on track. I was dying with curiosity though all day yesterday. It really messed with my head! Were you drunk? And if so, do you even remember that conversation? Do you know that you were fucking with my head? Because I want you to know that that's what you were doing! Do you really still think of me or were you just bored at the time? All this over-analysing and here I am trying to pretend I don't care. It's just been doing my head in and I have to get it out of my system. I want to know exactly what you're thinking, if you had or have any nagging second thoughts, before I can totally move on. So I won't be wondering "what if?" for the next bloody week and a half. You have to understand how much time I have to let these thoughts foster and what little opportunity I have to vent them! It's driving me a bit nuts!
So now I *have* vented I feel a bit silly that I've let it all get to me, but I still feel the need to let you know what I've been thinking, I don't know why. And I guess I'm hoping that you'll have something to say in return as well. "A penny for your thoughts," kind of thing. Hopefully you don't just think I'm a dick. I make no apologies for being like this, though, because I don't think it's terribly unusual for someone to react like this so it can't be completely unexpected and fucked up to you. I mean I think you understand females' capacity to overthink things that are actually quite insignificant. I know this is insignificant in the grand scale of things. It's been playing on my head like it's bigger than what it is and I just feel I can let it go now. Phew.
From Justine (obviously).