Apology letter to my roommate
Dear Oscarface,
It's not that I cannot control my urges. I'll admit, I've wanted it for a long time, almost couldn't bare to keep my hands to myself.
I am not a super-fat, fleshy lard-ass whale of a human, a big bumpy lump who eats everything I can possibly manage to wrap my pillowy fingers around. It's not that I am portly or a big, fat cow. No, I do not suffer from lack of will power, a sugar addiction, or even big bonededness! And it's not that I wanted to ruin your night by striking away the twinkle from your eye that you might have had as you gazed upon the fluffy icing and delicious crunchy sprinkles of the little treat I brought home to you last night. It's just that... your cupcake got stuck in my mouth.
I tried to rescue it! I tried to call for help! I said, "NOOOOOOO, Cupcake, you don't want to die! You want to live! LIVE, Cupcake, LIVE!"
But alas, it was too late. I knew I had to do what was best for him and finish him off. I felt there was nothing more I could do. The suffering had gone on far too long. We both gave up. With my pinkie still outstretched to reach the 911 speed dial, there was nothing left but a few vanilla flavored crumbs and his little pleated paper cup.
His will to survive had diminished after you refused to hold him on the drive home last night. He felt dirty... used... he tried to cover himself with his plastic wrap, but he still felt vulnerable and worthless.
Anyway, I ate your damn cupcake! Sorry. Next time I bring home a sugary confection for you, eat it right away before the torturous glare of its presence sets in. Jerk.
<3 Jodiface
It's not that I cannot control my urges. I'll admit, I've wanted it for a long time, almost couldn't bare to keep my hands to myself.
I am not a super-fat, fleshy lard-ass whale of a human, a big bumpy lump who eats everything I can possibly manage to wrap my pillowy fingers around. It's not that I am portly or a big, fat cow. No, I do not suffer from lack of will power, a sugar addiction, or even big bonededness! And it's not that I wanted to ruin your night by striking away the twinkle from your eye that you might have had as you gazed upon the fluffy icing and delicious crunchy sprinkles of the little treat I brought home to you last night. It's just that... your cupcake got stuck in my mouth.
I tried to rescue it! I tried to call for help! I said, "NOOOOOOO, Cupcake, you don't want to die! You want to live! LIVE, Cupcake, LIVE!"
But alas, it was too late. I knew I had to do what was best for him and finish him off. I felt there was nothing more I could do. The suffering had gone on far too long. We both gave up. With my pinkie still outstretched to reach the 911 speed dial, there was nothing left but a few vanilla flavored crumbs and his little pleated paper cup.
His will to survive had diminished after you refused to hold him on the drive home last night. He felt dirty... used... he tried to cover himself with his plastic wrap, but he still felt vulnerable and worthless.
Anyway, I ate your damn cupcake! Sorry. Next time I bring home a sugary confection for you, eat it right away before the torturous glare of its presence sets in. Jerk.
<3 Jodiface