Oh timeeee, time is of the essence.
Wow. I seriously can't believe I am writing in this thing. Its been....What?....Maybe a year or so?
Hmmmm..... one year ago, I felt like my life was possibly the most out of place it had ever been. I wasn't doing that great in school, I had just gotten out of a year and a half relationship with my ex, I was in the process of mending broken friendships, and then I found I'd have to mend a broken heart as well. All the while I felt like I was losing myself, little did I know I was just about to find myself.... Find out who I really am, what I really stand for, what it all really means. At least for the moment.
Lets go in reverse. Sometimes its great to work backwords; it helps us understand where we are.
So I was doing "not so great" in school, I had recently broken up with the ex, I had packed on the pounds of a bad relationship, and I was really craving change. For a few months after the break up I figured that the solution to my problem would be this: Keep myself busy, party as much as possible, drink myself retarded, numb whatever feelings I had, and hit the gym in between. Nothing or no one would matter more to me than myself. I was numero uno from then on, and no one would get to hurt me. It was all about me. I was 19, and I was learning to live.
I cant even begin to tell you how great it feels to no longer be that girl. The girl who let ONE bad relationship tear up her heart. That girl that shuts everyone out because she knew it all, and that was that. The girl who resorts to partying and drinking, and meaningless relationships just to drown out the voice in her head, and the feel of feelings. Let me just say, it feels good to think again, it feels good to feel again. & I owe it all to one person.
My boyfriend. Slowly, but surely, he's won me over in a way that no one ever has before. We bump heads from time to time, and I am most certainly not the easiest person to deal with, but he makes me want to be easier to deal with. He treats me like a princess, and I love him beyond words. Though I rarely tell him. When I started feeling like I was falling in love with him, it really freaked me out. I realized that what I had felt for someone else before did not amount to "love." Its more than a feeling of liking someone. Its more than imagining yourself without them. Its more than compatibility, more than attraction, more than comprehension. I cant even tell you what it is, but its NOTHING like what I thought I felt before. This exceeds that. Its being able to look at someone and feeling that they cant possibly get any better. & who knows? in another year I might find myself writing about someone else.... but thats life. I've said it so many times before. Its full of change, full of growth. But for right now, I love what I feel with Chris. The only arguments we've ever had are about me spending MORE time with him. And I don't know about you, but I think if the only reason two people argue is over being together, then theres no reason for them to be apart.
For now, I am enjoying life. Doing better in school than I have ever done. Appreciating everything I have as though I've never had it, and still wanting more. I can't even explain it. I am happier than I have been in a long while. :) 'tis all.
<3