Panic Attacks suck....
Evidently I had a full blown panic attack last Sunday night. Definitely not something I wish to go through again... I want to know WHY my stress level in my new home is so high...why I can just go off on a crying spree in the blink of an eye. I have three MAJOR triggers as to what upsets me...and all three are in my own family. One is the dog, I adore my dog...he is not the best dog I have owned...but he is my dog. However, living in a yard as big as we have now (HUGE) with a chain link fence...and a beautiful not covered by trees or bushes spot that faces the neighbors kids swing set is not good. My entire yard except by the side fronts and this area where the swing set is...are not covered by anything...and he won't shut up and stop growling at the kids over there. Mind you the lil shithead grandson who is there five days a week is EGGING my dog on. Why can't he be a nice boy for my kids to play with and that respects my side of the fence and dog? His grandma is already NOT comfy with the dog...now she is getting more and more terrified of the dog...my dog, is on the verge of becoming an all out vicious dog... I can't really let him out to enjoy his yard that he has due to the fact he is acting aggressive and it scares me. The grandpa next door is trying to be friends with Shamus...Shamus is not fond of men...and when I see him trying to pet my dog...the fear I have overwhelms me...if he bit the man our lives are over. These people are rich as it is...we would loose everything we have. The bark collar....I have no idea what Donn did with it, but I assume that it is thrown out since he cleaned and threw out stuff I told him not too. I can't put any other fencing up...and I don't think I can afford full grown tree's bushes for the area that the dog can see these people at... So here I sit fearing we must find him a new home..and NO one we know wants a dog his size...small for a Lab...but still. I don't see any way to keep him at this point...I don't want to get rid of my kids dog...or my dog, but I can't have this keep going on. I can't put out a dog run either...there is no place for it to work out.
Part two...teenage...ACK, 20 year old son who will NOT get up at a decent time. So I have to listen to hubby complain and bitch. I don't sleep because I have to make sure he is up for his new job and he does not loose it...heaven forbid he looses that job. (Nobody makes me....) Everyone tells me it is not my job to make sure he is up...but WHO will have to listen to the shit when he looses it? Who will have to deal with the fallout when he can't pay rent? It's bad enough I am being bombarded with when is he going to get his GED, when is he going to get his drivers license by all of the other family members... Chalk it all on my lap as the mom who failed and keep bombarding ME with the questions why don't you? They ask me because he can't answer them....*sigh
Part three...is combined hubby and bills. I love him, even after everything we have been through I would say we are 100% closer then we where when we where first married. Hubby is huge on counting his chickens before they hatch when it comes to money. We are on some new budget...that NO one has taken the time to tell me how it works...but its a word we use...even though there is NO budget in place. Take the job...a LOT less pay, less bills though...but we have costs from old home and new home hitting us hard... Paycheck is here, and here I sit stressing as to where I send the limited funds. I explain to him how things get paid, yet he gets mad when it is not turning out like he pictures. Take his driving....its NOT as bad as it was...but it is still VERY aggressive and angry. He has cut out SOME of his cussing...but not as much as he should. He bitches about tail gaiters...yet he does it to them when they won't move out of his way?!???? WTF? When he is home the house needs to be reasonably quiet. Cleaning is annoying so it can't get done when he is home...did I mention he has three days a week off AND the middle of two days he is here??? The middle of those two days he naps when he is here...so if he is up we are downstairs and vice versa. IT goes on and on and on...
My panic attack I believe came from the drive home from SD last weekend. First there was the rush to get home to sell his car...only to find out less then 30 mins from home the guy was NOT meeting him until the next day. >:( There was the scary passing of cars for over 100 miles...he always HAS to prove a point. Then there was the passing of the car in which the driver was READING the magazine while driving...literally it was open on his steering wheel. I think at that point is when I started having issues with breathing...but it went away. However that night in the wee hours I could NOT get my breath and was just in pure state of panic...that last until I passed out from pure exhaustion at 5a.m..
If you have made it this far...I am impressed. I am at the point right now where I want to run away from my family. I adore my children...but its' like everything around me is out of my control and yet I am supposed to be controlling it all. I was SO stressed last week I could NOT feel the top of my head for over an hour...it went NUMB. *sigh
Part two...teenage...ACK, 20 year old son who will NOT get up at a decent time. So I have to listen to hubby complain and bitch. I don't sleep because I have to make sure he is up for his new job and he does not loose it...heaven forbid he looses that job. (Nobody makes me....) Everyone tells me it is not my job to make sure he is up...but WHO will have to listen to the shit when he looses it? Who will have to deal with the fallout when he can't pay rent? It's bad enough I am being bombarded with when is he going to get his GED, when is he going to get his drivers license by all of the other family members... Chalk it all on my lap as the mom who failed and keep bombarding ME with the questions why don't you? They ask me because he can't answer them....*sigh
Part three...is combined hubby and bills. I love him, even after everything we have been through I would say we are 100% closer then we where when we where first married. Hubby is huge on counting his chickens before they hatch when it comes to money. We are on some new budget...that NO one has taken the time to tell me how it works...but its a word we use...even though there is NO budget in place. Take the job...a LOT less pay, less bills though...but we have costs from old home and new home hitting us hard... Paycheck is here, and here I sit stressing as to where I send the limited funds. I explain to him how things get paid, yet he gets mad when it is not turning out like he pictures. Take his driving....its NOT as bad as it was...but it is still VERY aggressive and angry. He has cut out SOME of his cussing...but not as much as he should. He bitches about tail gaiters...yet he does it to them when they won't move out of his way?!???? WTF? When he is home the house needs to be reasonably quiet. Cleaning is annoying so it can't get done when he is home...did I mention he has three days a week off AND the middle of two days he is here??? The middle of those two days he naps when he is here...so if he is up we are downstairs and vice versa. IT goes on and on and on...
My panic attack I believe came from the drive home from SD last weekend. First there was the rush to get home to sell his car...only to find out less then 30 mins from home the guy was NOT meeting him until the next day. >:( There was the scary passing of cars for over 100 miles...he always HAS to prove a point. Then there was the passing of the car in which the driver was READING the magazine while driving...literally it was open on his steering wheel. I think at that point is when I started having issues with breathing...but it went away. However that night in the wee hours I could NOT get my breath and was just in pure state of panic...that last until I passed out from pure exhaustion at 5a.m..
If you have made it this far...I am impressed. I am at the point right now where I want to run away from my family. I adore my children...but its' like everything around me is out of my control and yet I am supposed to be controlling it all. I was SO stressed last week I could NOT feel the top of my head for over an hour...it went NUMB. *sigh