one weekend!
Maybe now you will understand -
Not only did I lose the guy who I thought truly cared about me but I also lost my best friend. I had found the place were I wanted to live, I was going to be happy…I would stay in North Carolina, go to Kings Mountain High School, and every three weeks Brian would either come to my house to see me or I would go to western to see him. Next summer I was going to move up to western and get an apartment with Tiffany and Johnny, now they aren’t getting an apartment and I cant move with them. I don’t have anything in my life to keep me going. I cant move back to St. Louis because I have nothing there and I don’t want to be so far away from Brian. I don’t want to live with my mum in North Carolina because I will just end up sitting about with nothing to do, seeing as I don’t have any friends anymore. I was going to be happy, over the summer was the first time I had been happy in my whole life. On June 4th, when I first arrived at my mums house and first hugged Brian hello my life started to be normal…I was really happy. I would get up, watch Hannah for a while, do whatever came up, and talk to Brain after he got off work and every other weekend he would come see me and we would be together and have fun. On July 17th me and Brian shared our first kiss and on July 19th he asked me to be his girl friend and I felt like my life had finally started, I had a reason to get up in the morning, I had a reason to keep breathing each day. Me and Brian grew closer and as we did I thought that I would never have to go back to the way things were before, I was so thankful that I had Brian and I had a plan for life. And than, one afternoon the Lord would take everything that had once made me happy and turn it into pain. Brian broke up with me, I stopped eating, I realized that Tiffany and Johnny were not going to be able to get an apartment next summer. For the first time in four months I had to fall asleep without talking to Brian, that felt like my last night alive, it felt like God himself had told me that that night was the last I would have. Than I realized that I wouldn’t be able to go to western to see Brain and that he would not come down here to see me. As the days went one I saw that I had nothing to do, no one to keep me happy. I woke up and just sat there, nothing to do, no reason to breath, no person to help me! I went from being happy for the first time to wanting to die in a matter of a weekend, I sit here now and I feel nothing. I want to talk to my boyfriend and hear him tell me that he is there for me and that everything will be ok but there is no voice to tell me and there is no boyfriend to care. I sit here now with nothing in my hear because I know that tomorrow I will wake up to a black and white world, I will not be able to think about how in a few hours I will be talking to my Brain or in a few days I will get to see him again. I cant go back to school, I don’t want to meet people, I don’t want to make friends, and I don’t want to trust. So here I am, alone and cold with no one by my side. I thought I was ok and I thought my life had changed but it was all lies and deception. I will never be happy and now that I see that I know what I must do…I must not love anyone, I must not trust anyone to love me, I must not want things in life because I will never get them, and I must not think about being happy because being happy is something that my life will never be able to take. People must say that this is crazy, that just because one guy dumped me doesn’t mean that my whole world is gone but what they don’t see is how I feel and how this one guy was what made me happy, he is what made my heart beat…now that beating is gone and my heart is lifeless, just sitting in my chest. I don’t know why this happened to me and I want to find out! Why did I have to go from finally finding out what happy felt like to feeling nothing but blankness. My family keeps saying that I should stop this and forget about him but its not that easy…when you find true happiness its not easy to forget it happened. Yes, I have a family that loves me and I do have a few friend who care but having that doesn’t make me feel like I did before. So, after all of this I see that I wont have a future with anyone or anything, no one will like me because no one wants to like me and everyone will just get sick of me like everyone before them. I now see that the only thing left for me to do is hind from everyone and forget about them all. I don’t have anyone, I don’t have anything, I will never be happy because happiness will never want me. This was not written to make people feel sorry for me, this was written to make people understand how the world works and show them that you can never really trust in anything because nothing is ever really real.
In late March I thought Brian Scott Thiesen saved me! I became a Christian and I thought that is was the Lord who made it happen. But it wasn’t, everyone told me that God brought me and Brian together and that God had a plan…its not true, nothing in life is really real. No one saved me, they just gave me the illusion that I was happy and that I had found peace. I don’t have Brian in my life, I don’t have happiness in my life, and I don’t have love in my heart anymore. This is a final letter, the Christina that everyone once knew and pretended to care about is dead. I am nothing now, and nothing will ever take me because I am now wanted. One summer of happiness is all that I will ever get and is all that the world is willing to give me! Goodbye!
Not only did I lose the guy who I thought truly cared about me but I also lost my best friend. I had found the place were I wanted to live, I was going to be happy…I would stay in North Carolina, go to Kings Mountain High School, and every three weeks Brian would either come to my house to see me or I would go to western to see him. Next summer I was going to move up to western and get an apartment with Tiffany and Johnny, now they aren’t getting an apartment and I cant move with them. I don’t have anything in my life to keep me going. I cant move back to St. Louis because I have nothing there and I don’t want to be so far away from Brian. I don’t want to live with my mum in North Carolina because I will just end up sitting about with nothing to do, seeing as I don’t have any friends anymore. I was going to be happy, over the summer was the first time I had been happy in my whole life. On June 4th, when I first arrived at my mums house and first hugged Brian hello my life started to be normal…I was really happy. I would get up, watch Hannah for a while, do whatever came up, and talk to Brain after he got off work and every other weekend he would come see me and we would be together and have fun. On July 17th me and Brian shared our first kiss and on July 19th he asked me to be his girl friend and I felt like my life had finally started, I had a reason to get up in the morning, I had a reason to keep breathing each day. Me and Brian grew closer and as we did I thought that I would never have to go back to the way things were before, I was so thankful that I had Brian and I had a plan for life. And than, one afternoon the Lord would take everything that had once made me happy and turn it into pain. Brian broke up with me, I stopped eating, I realized that Tiffany and Johnny were not going to be able to get an apartment next summer. For the first time in four months I had to fall asleep without talking to Brian, that felt like my last night alive, it felt like God himself had told me that that night was the last I would have. Than I realized that I wouldn’t be able to go to western to see Brain and that he would not come down here to see me. As the days went one I saw that I had nothing to do, no one to keep me happy. I woke up and just sat there, nothing to do, no reason to breath, no person to help me! I went from being happy for the first time to wanting to die in a matter of a weekend, I sit here now and I feel nothing. I want to talk to my boyfriend and hear him tell me that he is there for me and that everything will be ok but there is no voice to tell me and there is no boyfriend to care. I sit here now with nothing in my hear because I know that tomorrow I will wake up to a black and white world, I will not be able to think about how in a few hours I will be talking to my Brain or in a few days I will get to see him again. I cant go back to school, I don’t want to meet people, I don’t want to make friends, and I don’t want to trust. So here I am, alone and cold with no one by my side. I thought I was ok and I thought my life had changed but it was all lies and deception. I will never be happy and now that I see that I know what I must do…I must not love anyone, I must not trust anyone to love me, I must not want things in life because I will never get them, and I must not think about being happy because being happy is something that my life will never be able to take. People must say that this is crazy, that just because one guy dumped me doesn’t mean that my whole world is gone but what they don’t see is how I feel and how this one guy was what made me happy, he is what made my heart beat…now that beating is gone and my heart is lifeless, just sitting in my chest. I don’t know why this happened to me and I want to find out! Why did I have to go from finally finding out what happy felt like to feeling nothing but blankness. My family keeps saying that I should stop this and forget about him but its not that easy…when you find true happiness its not easy to forget it happened. Yes, I have a family that loves me and I do have a few friend who care but having that doesn’t make me feel like I did before. So, after all of this I see that I wont have a future with anyone or anything, no one will like me because no one wants to like me and everyone will just get sick of me like everyone before them. I now see that the only thing left for me to do is hind from everyone and forget about them all. I don’t have anyone, I don’t have anything, I will never be happy because happiness will never want me. This was not written to make people feel sorry for me, this was written to make people understand how the world works and show them that you can never really trust in anything because nothing is ever really real.
In late March I thought Brian Scott Thiesen saved me! I became a Christian and I thought that is was the Lord who made it happen. But it wasn’t, everyone told me that God brought me and Brian together and that God had a plan…its not true, nothing in life is really real. No one saved me, they just gave me the illusion that I was happy and that I had found peace. I don’t have Brian in my life, I don’t have happiness in my life, and I don’t have love in my heart anymore. This is a final letter, the Christina that everyone once knew and pretended to care about is dead. I am nothing now, and nothing will ever take me because I am now wanted. One summer of happiness is all that I will ever get and is all that the world is willing to give me! Goodbye!