this is exhausting...
I'm tired. Physically I'm alright but in every other way...ugh. I do literally need to sleep but in a bad mood.
Just sad because didn't have to be like this. I can't keep going out of my way to avoid things others should stop and I do communicate it. In case of my dog it's like I get she's attached but don't need to be six inches from my face/food. Don't feel like I should have to go in some random room & shut a door to just eat at maybe a desk or ??/ I mean jeesh. Then there's people who could you know do something useful instead of bitch or interrupt me. It's very agitating. I have time but it's hard to start/continue/finish anything because it's like my reward is I grind away the day with interruption after bs interruptions. Nothing predictable. I get things done but it takes ages. I will try better to not give in to simple distraction type activities but again it's adds to frustration to try to keep doing anything useful some days. Last time I did laundry for example it took multiple days before it was washed, dried, taken out of basket so can put dirty instead and it's still not fully put away. I joke my dog gave me a.d.d. but ....
Just realized didn't put dog water back...oh well...shouldn't be in here anyway frankly. It just gets hair and once or twice I've dropped a sweater arm/etc in it. I love my dog but my dog is living a more catered to life sometimes.
Could be worse if your that asshole that has to alway lower the bar and try to make people grateful for ummmm this...
I will mention that 2020 made me grateful I wasn't trapped with kids or some of my exes lol. lol some more by the way. That made me smile. Hey you could be worse people may be on to so...nah. There a lot of people and things I miss though. I think that year was very mixed. It's sad we lost so many people (hopefully some bad ones haha) and it's just stressful in different ways. I personally think it's awesome to get to hide my face at least in public sort of . It makes me feel less edgey and panic inducing that people are supposed to stay away, not touch , etc. That kind of over run by ummm not everyone obeys that but mixed on thinking probably am pretty healthy but don't want to try my luck on getting it. In general I am nervous etc sometimes. I ate a lot of "snacks",also all foods are now counted as snacks by the way. Got less time doing both things didn't like and things I enjoy for various reasons. I struggled with justice thing. Like the department of justice asked if I wanted justice or safety. I wish I was kidding. I think we've seen too much useless death but it's hard to give up when seems like should be closer to justice in normal sense of legal things. It's like there was a lot of harm that it's not all just like well he didn't kill me so we cool...right? I also know his life was super messed up and he doesn't get justice for things either. More injustice doesn't help though. I struggle between he's doing fine in some ways and he's a mental ill asshole who doesn't even enjoy his life so ha...then remember the might harm others and all time I spent being aggrieved and menaced by the guy... it's distasteful.
It's hard to know what justice is sometimes.
I was debating yesterday if I should buy like a $5 journal. It wasn't about the money but more about is whatever I write worth keeping versus I don't know $5 wasn't going to pay for much else you know. I do value the writing it part. Was doodling in my planner and can't find my grey planner/notebook thing is what weighed as just get new one. I obviously have this but not same as physical one. This livejournal can be more private /etc. I can't lose this in a move.
Still in a bad mood. Things been kind of messed up for a while though so it's hard to tell how it's going. When things go right it's going to feel strange for a while is what I figured out when I was thinking about it. Although sometimes I feel it'll be easier than I think. I have enough confidence to think it'll get better but sometimes I have enough experience to know it'll probably take way too long. I'm not on any kind of dead line but it's been too long already.
Still feels like I'm treading water and never getting to shore or drowning. It'll be at the whim of someone or someones else what happens... that's the part that gets me pissed off. As far as I've come in my trust issues it's not helpful to watch larger society being so fucked up right now.
One could say there's always been these horrible people and maybe it's somewhat better to have a warning in some cases but warning doesn't help if you can't meaningfully act on it. We (?*) need to as a society empower people to self sustain/protect in a healthy way. I think about this when I see people talking about loneliness too. I don't have not the damnedest idea about the last one because I would happily live on a remote island by myself indefinantly. can't spell dog is licking for ughh...just ughh some weird ass banging noise...like mf can i just live...[putting on music not that it fixes shit](might try that more so dog annoys me less during day)*but I have to let dog go to bathroom not just like I can be like fuck it *
I don't think it's want alone time just less annoyance but yeah ....alone is how I get that. Haven't been able to "escape" as much but was only temporary anyway. . . . . . trying to not belittle the relief I do get but fuck damn.