The onset of Superhero synrome...
Magda commented the other day that the writing style of these pieces are very Douglas Adams-ish, which reminded me that I had been 'studying' the Hitchhiker's series at the time. I'd forgotten that this was also part of my initial aim. I suppose that if I am ever to complete this madness I should dust them off again and start reading.
This chapter and the last are where I think I most succeeded in my objectives. Unfortunately after this I found myself starting to revert to my own slightly longwinded style. It was frustrating and although I sketched out further plot events, I gradually I lost interest.
However, I never really intended to write this much for my experiement. How it expanded so quickly and enthusiastically was a big surprise.
Writing it was more a process of picking out a phrase or combination of words or a particular description of imagery and try to fit them somewhere in the story line. Once it began to have a real plot, is where I ran into difficulty. Hence, in the episode after this I resorted to a completely different tactic.
The Excitingly Humdrum Calamity of Alfred Tonto Sylvester Rainbow Bogsworth The First:
“You have 12 hours to decide, Mr Bogsworth, whether to donate your soul, before we forcibly remove it for you,” announced the cultured reedy voice, as thought he was scolding a small child. He gestured to the brute gripping me by the scruffy neck of my robe. A rather solid looking oak door was opened and I found myself impolitely hurled into a small dark room.
I skidded across the grimy floor, stopping slouched upside down with my back against the opposite wall. It was unusually dark. Eventually the cool breeze about my nether regions alerted me that my robe had fallen over my eyes, hiding the rest of the room from view. But since I really had no prior engagements that I urgently had to dash off to, I decided to stay sprawled in this overturned position for a while, feeling drained, becoming slowly and unpleasantly aware of something squidgy and warm positioned right between my shoulder blades.
All in all it was a comfortable slouch, or as comfortable as a despondent, upside down, squidgy slouch can possibly be. It was disturbed by a prod to my leg from some solid blunt object.
“Are you going to stay like that?” a high pitched impatient voice inquired. I idly wondered whether everyone around here sounded like Papa Smurf on speed.
“Oi, stupid-head!”
I peered through a gap in my dressing gown and found myself looking up at a very tall, rather chubby girl dressed in a lurid pink body suit. A silver ‘V’ branded on her chest, glittered in the meagre light. The garish outfit was completed by black leather gloves, belt and flat soled knee high boots. The entire effect looked like a giant M&M on stilts. She poked me again with a long pointy stick, a scowl on her dark round face.
“I said: are you going to stay like that?”
“I don’t see any reason why I should move?” I replied still peering up at her one-eyed.
“You should move, Mr Bumblebrain, because you are slouching on my lunch,” she said, giving me a fourth fiercer poke with the stick. This time I toppled sideways, sliding down the wall to land painfully on my hip with a thud. I rolled over and sat up. The girl hurried over to where I had been slouching and collected a slightly crushed and oozing tin foil container. The unpleasant squidgyness I had encountered revealed itself to be three pieces of greasy roast chicken on a bed of soggy chips. She skipped back to a seat in the corner and began shovelling the food into her mouth with enthusiasm.
Having been rudely interrupted from my slouch I attempted conversation. I would have had more active involvement from a tree.
“What’s your name?”
“Vyvian.”
“How old are you?”
“12,”
“Why are you here?”
“Long story, and no don’t ask because I don’t like you.”
I narrowed my eyes and sneered at her. Her attention quickly drifted back to stuffing her face with curried chicken.
While the little rug rat was occupied, I looked around the cell that would be my home for the last 12 hours of my life. It was dank and musty, and the floor was streaked with mud and grease. Apart from the intricate door, it was a far cry from the imperial settings in the rest of the building.
Vyvian had finished her meal. She stood up, brushed herself off and walked to the door.
“Well are you coming?” she asked, eyebrows raised.
“What are you planning to do? Just walk out of here? We’re in prison.” She shook her head and turned the doorknob. The door opened. I sat there unblinking making gold fish impressions for a while before snapping my jaw shut with a click.
“You mean they just left it unlocked?” I said astounded.
“Well, technically yes, but they don’t know that,” Vyvian pointed to a piece of tin foil stuck in the lock mechanism, “It will also stop the opened door registering on their sensors. So?”
I jumped up off the floor and darted over to stand behind her as she peered around the door frame.
We had been making fair progress as far as I could tell, not having encountering any hostiles. We crouched and scampered through the halls. Vyv appeared to know where she was going and was taking the lead. I was peering down an interesting looking corridor when she stopped suddenly in front of me. I crashed into her and together we tumbled into an open doorway.
For a moment there was silence. A giant blue crab was sitting in a hammock suspended from the ceiling, reading the newspaper, another was sitting on a beanbag at a computer terminal. Their bulbous eyes momentarily flicked towards us unconcernedly, then slowly rotated in surprise to focus on where we lay entangled on the floor.
With a yell, Vyv leapt to her feet and flung something at them. The chicken bone collided with the smaller crab initiating a slow uncontrollable backward slide off the beanbag, leaving it on its back kicking furiously in the air. The second crustacean tossed the paper aside and sprung out of the hammock. Unfortunately for it, part of its carapace snagged on the ropes and he spun around, ending up in a tangled web hanging a few feet from the floor. A set of eye stalks glared at us through the netting. With the snap of a powerful claw the hammock split into threads dropping the crab to the ground, where it immediately punched a bright red button.
Thus the alarm was raised. We sprinted down the hallway dodging surprised shellfish as they flooded out into the hallway to see what all the commotion was about. On we ran until, when out lungs were ready to burst, the vast corridor ended. We were now standing in the great expanse of an auditorium. Doors scattered around the edges spewed an unending river of militant shellfish, all after our blood.
With a great deal of huffing and puffing we managed to drag ourselves onto the high platform at the end of the room. The crustaceans slowly advanced. Well aware that their prey had nowhere else to go they were playing with us. Taunting us. Clicking their razor sharp claws. Claws that would in a few minutes be tearing at our flesh and crushing bones…
“Alfred! Get ahold of yourself!” Vyv was violently shaking me back to reality.
“Wha...? Oh, sorry.” She let go and I brushed my self off preening like a cat.
Vyv turned to face the swarm of shellfish.
“I’m warning you. Begone! Or I’ll seriously damage you with my, my…”
“Poking twig?” I suggested helpfully.
“Shut up,” she hissed out the side of her mouth, “…with my big pointy stick!”
“Nice save,” I commented drolly, scanning the ledge we were standing on for possible undangerous escape routes. She ignored me and started brandishing her odd staff with renewed vigor.
It had the oddest effect on the crustacean army. Upon seeing it wildly thrust in the air, as one they suddenly halted, uttered a collective squeak, turned and hurtled away from us as fast as they could scuttle.
“Woo hoo! Now to get out of here”
With that, Vyv unclipped a small object from her belt and handed it to me, instructing me on its use. I just stared slackjawed from a combination of our lucky escape and fatigue.
“Cool huh? Ready?” She grinned at her magnificent idea. Not having a clue what she had just being telling me I nodded dumbly. The gadgets in our hands emitted two small ‘pops’ and suddenly with gut-wrenching force I was hauled upwards towards the crystal skylight. With a crash we flew through it and skidded to a halt on the roof of the complex.
“Nice toy,” I gasped, righting myself.
“Yeah, I made it myself,” she boasted “Whaddya think?”
“I think you should open business as a chiropractor. My spine is properly realigned for the first time in 10 years.”
Vyv stuck her tongue out at me, stood up and dusted herself and let out a crow like a rooster before running to the edge of the roof. She leapt about enthusiastically singing some sort of personal theme song with a pirouette here and there for effect on the high notes. I scowled a scowl as hard as I could shook out my dressing gown with an impertinent flourish and turned my back on her. Just in time to catch a dark shadow attempting to creep up on me unawares.
“Now, look here you. I’ve had enough…” I halted and slowly travelled my gaze up to the source of the shadow that now seemed darker than the very pit of hell itself. My body had seized with fear and disbelief. I absently registered that Vyv had stopped her shrilling hero chant.
The shadow moved. Vyv screamed. I screamed.
This chapter and the last are where I think I most succeeded in my objectives. Unfortunately after this I found myself starting to revert to my own slightly longwinded style. It was frustrating and although I sketched out further plot events, I gradually I lost interest.
However, I never really intended to write this much for my experiement. How it expanded so quickly and enthusiastically was a big surprise.
Writing it was more a process of picking out a phrase or combination of words or a particular description of imagery and try to fit them somewhere in the story line. Once it began to have a real plot, is where I ran into difficulty. Hence, in the episode after this I resorted to a completely different tactic.
The Excitingly Humdrum Calamity of Alfred Tonto Sylvester Rainbow Bogsworth The First:
“You have 12 hours to decide, Mr Bogsworth, whether to donate your soul, before we forcibly remove it for you,” announced the cultured reedy voice, as thought he was scolding a small child. He gestured to the brute gripping me by the scruffy neck of my robe. A rather solid looking oak door was opened and I found myself impolitely hurled into a small dark room.
I skidded across the grimy floor, stopping slouched upside down with my back against the opposite wall. It was unusually dark. Eventually the cool breeze about my nether regions alerted me that my robe had fallen over my eyes, hiding the rest of the room from view. But since I really had no prior engagements that I urgently had to dash off to, I decided to stay sprawled in this overturned position for a while, feeling drained, becoming slowly and unpleasantly aware of something squidgy and warm positioned right between my shoulder blades.
All in all it was a comfortable slouch, or as comfortable as a despondent, upside down, squidgy slouch can possibly be. It was disturbed by a prod to my leg from some solid blunt object.
“Are you going to stay like that?” a high pitched impatient voice inquired. I idly wondered whether everyone around here sounded like Papa Smurf on speed.
“Oi, stupid-head!”
I peered through a gap in my dressing gown and found myself looking up at a very tall, rather chubby girl dressed in a lurid pink body suit. A silver ‘V’ branded on her chest, glittered in the meagre light. The garish outfit was completed by black leather gloves, belt and flat soled knee high boots. The entire effect looked like a giant M&M on stilts. She poked me again with a long pointy stick, a scowl on her dark round face.
“I said: are you going to stay like that?”
“I don’t see any reason why I should move?” I replied still peering up at her one-eyed.
“You should move, Mr Bumblebrain, because you are slouching on my lunch,” she said, giving me a fourth fiercer poke with the stick. This time I toppled sideways, sliding down the wall to land painfully on my hip with a thud. I rolled over and sat up. The girl hurried over to where I had been slouching and collected a slightly crushed and oozing tin foil container. The unpleasant squidgyness I had encountered revealed itself to be three pieces of greasy roast chicken on a bed of soggy chips. She skipped back to a seat in the corner and began shovelling the food into her mouth with enthusiasm.
Having been rudely interrupted from my slouch I attempted conversation. I would have had more active involvement from a tree.
“What’s your name?”
“Vyvian.”
“How old are you?”
“12,”
“Why are you here?”
“Long story, and no don’t ask because I don’t like you.”
I narrowed my eyes and sneered at her. Her attention quickly drifted back to stuffing her face with curried chicken.
While the little rug rat was occupied, I looked around the cell that would be my home for the last 12 hours of my life. It was dank and musty, and the floor was streaked with mud and grease. Apart from the intricate door, it was a far cry from the imperial settings in the rest of the building.
Vyvian had finished her meal. She stood up, brushed herself off and walked to the door.
“Well are you coming?” she asked, eyebrows raised.
“What are you planning to do? Just walk out of here? We’re in prison.” She shook her head and turned the doorknob. The door opened. I sat there unblinking making gold fish impressions for a while before snapping my jaw shut with a click.
“You mean they just left it unlocked?” I said astounded.
“Well, technically yes, but they don’t know that,” Vyvian pointed to a piece of tin foil stuck in the lock mechanism, “It will also stop the opened door registering on their sensors. So?”
I jumped up off the floor and darted over to stand behind her as she peered around the door frame.
We had been making fair progress as far as I could tell, not having encountering any hostiles. We crouched and scampered through the halls. Vyv appeared to know where she was going and was taking the lead. I was peering down an interesting looking corridor when she stopped suddenly in front of me. I crashed into her and together we tumbled into an open doorway.
For a moment there was silence. A giant blue crab was sitting in a hammock suspended from the ceiling, reading the newspaper, another was sitting on a beanbag at a computer terminal. Their bulbous eyes momentarily flicked towards us unconcernedly, then slowly rotated in surprise to focus on where we lay entangled on the floor.
With a yell, Vyv leapt to her feet and flung something at them. The chicken bone collided with the smaller crab initiating a slow uncontrollable backward slide off the beanbag, leaving it on its back kicking furiously in the air. The second crustacean tossed the paper aside and sprung out of the hammock. Unfortunately for it, part of its carapace snagged on the ropes and he spun around, ending up in a tangled web hanging a few feet from the floor. A set of eye stalks glared at us through the netting. With the snap of a powerful claw the hammock split into threads dropping the crab to the ground, where it immediately punched a bright red button.
Thus the alarm was raised. We sprinted down the hallway dodging surprised shellfish as they flooded out into the hallway to see what all the commotion was about. On we ran until, when out lungs were ready to burst, the vast corridor ended. We were now standing in the great expanse of an auditorium. Doors scattered around the edges spewed an unending river of militant shellfish, all after our blood.
With a great deal of huffing and puffing we managed to drag ourselves onto the high platform at the end of the room. The crustaceans slowly advanced. Well aware that their prey had nowhere else to go they were playing with us. Taunting us. Clicking their razor sharp claws. Claws that would in a few minutes be tearing at our flesh and crushing bones…
“Alfred! Get ahold of yourself!” Vyv was violently shaking me back to reality.
“Wha...? Oh, sorry.” She let go and I brushed my self off preening like a cat.
Vyv turned to face the swarm of shellfish.
“I’m warning you. Begone! Or I’ll seriously damage you with my, my…”
“Poking twig?” I suggested helpfully.
“Shut up,” she hissed out the side of her mouth, “…with my big pointy stick!”
“Nice save,” I commented drolly, scanning the ledge we were standing on for possible undangerous escape routes. She ignored me and started brandishing her odd staff with renewed vigor.
It had the oddest effect on the crustacean army. Upon seeing it wildly thrust in the air, as one they suddenly halted, uttered a collective squeak, turned and hurtled away from us as fast as they could scuttle.
“Woo hoo! Now to get out of here”
With that, Vyv unclipped a small object from her belt and handed it to me, instructing me on its use. I just stared slackjawed from a combination of our lucky escape and fatigue.
“Cool huh? Ready?” She grinned at her magnificent idea. Not having a clue what she had just being telling me I nodded dumbly. The gadgets in our hands emitted two small ‘pops’ and suddenly with gut-wrenching force I was hauled upwards towards the crystal skylight. With a crash we flew through it and skidded to a halt on the roof of the complex.
“Nice toy,” I gasped, righting myself.
“Yeah, I made it myself,” she boasted “Whaddya think?”
“I think you should open business as a chiropractor. My spine is properly realigned for the first time in 10 years.”
Vyv stuck her tongue out at me, stood up and dusted herself and let out a crow like a rooster before running to the edge of the roof. She leapt about enthusiastically singing some sort of personal theme song with a pirouette here and there for effect on the high notes. I scowled a scowl as hard as I could shook out my dressing gown with an impertinent flourish and turned my back on her. Just in time to catch a dark shadow attempting to creep up on me unawares.
“Now, look here you. I’ve had enough…” I halted and slowly travelled my gaze up to the source of the shadow that now seemed darker than the very pit of hell itself. My body had seized with fear and disbelief. I absently registered that Vyv had stopped her shrilling hero chant.
The shadow moved. Vyv screamed. I screamed.