(no subject)

[snakelights]

So once again I start the writing in my journal. I'll be leaving for Italy, Europe and France ssoon so that is occupying some of my thoughts... The idea of friends are also part of my thinking? att the moment. I do not beleive that friends are something that are given to you. I think there has tpo be some sort of... giving of yourself giving giving giving and more giving. At least that's how it seems when I look at some of my friends. They are pretty ... amazing . But... I do not think 9i know my friends as I once knew and had a close circle of friends. their used to be a time whene I was person who would call friends after school, who would go for the parties but thjat is some time ago. I still go the parties, I talk I laugh but I do no think that I know some of these people. Don't get me wrong it is not a crime that of which I am talking about. It is just that I never put out the kind of effort that is required to put out that kind of close friendship. i wonder when I think about this is f I could ever have a husband or lover becuase they require even more effort love and care than a friend needs. The only person who i saw totally give all my time to was my dog Lady and sometimes my mom. That is now. I used to do this (I think) to my best Friend.But at sometime we stopped being friends fading into the background as we gor new friends and interests oput me on the toppers of the class and here with "the regulars". Seperated sperated speterated, as I started working for charities and she was into rock we diverged seperating and sperated until we weren't two friends who would always wait for each other infront of the class room wanting to talk we weren't the tow who could talk about anything and everything instead we drifted through neither a fault of each own... Or was there? I wonder... So i drifted away and away dislikeing the new friends hanging aorund my best friend but not wanting to give her an ultimatum jumpingfrom lunch table to lunch table as I started to share more of tmy time with kids I hanged out with in other activites my chior group, mthe kids in my science class, the kids who went to my chruich or groups that I just found fun to talk to... I only head later from a mutal friend this was happening for over a year. AS I faded I still talked to my BF, asking her on life when I would get a chance to see her. Which was when our school house would have a party, allowing all the kids from the advanced track, to the "pre algebra track" to the regular track to combine togethar if we were in the house, or when a mutal friend threw a party, or twice when we went to each other's houses. Never did I get to spend one on time with her. Maybe that is why it was only in Febuary when I realized that her Parent's were going through a ivocre from amutal friend. Maybe that is why it took another friend for me to realize my BF had rpogressed from the one or two ciggaretes that wouild appeared in her hand with the QUeen Cd's to smoking Joints of weed and talking about swilling robitson for a high. I do n not know... i id notknow... is all I could think when I heard this. I had been busy ? To busy for a friend who I had seen go more and more with kids who I already knew to act bothe like Jerks and be cruel. Could I plead naive saying I didn't know that she would go to the drugs, that she wouldn't start slipping even more than before in her academics inn her whole attitude to school. But know I couldn't i had heard her complain about school, and about asshole tachers more than once before and how she could go to her tests without studying while I was stuck in my higher classes with at least two housrs of homework tand tests that you needed to study for. When I confronted my NF about it she told me that it wasn't "that big a deal" and that is why she never told me about it. There was no need for me to get "on her case about it". her mom she told me as she took another wiff of the ciggaretes who smell made me want to choke was "OK with it" and her "dad used to kinda be a hippy, he beleived in free love anyway, I told you that remember?" I rembered. Her dad, the one who was often ill with a case of tubercolosis? hepatitis B? some disease that could never ler leave him and had left him bed writtn. As she told me again it doesn't matter i wondered if this was the same girl who had told a group of boys who ripping of the legg's off frogs and throwing them into the pond that they couldn't do that becuase "ytour huirting them! If you hurt the frog's I'll hurt you! Never hurt another person!" and when told she was "bing a sissy?" she replied "at least i care".. she couldn't care less anyomre.
This is when I lost my friend. Was itmy fading that had me loose my friend that had me never look for closer relationship with others or is my innate ability not to be close that lost my friend and that is why i never have close friend.s My "mutual friend" in this story who told me the divroce the girlwho was more in actuality the third girl the other Best Friend in the story Moved just after this incedent of findingout and going to High school. I talk to her sometimes on phone and e-mail as we both fade. But my BF... I sit withe her on the bus I talk to her about the old bands. I cann spew out facts she told me both on movies, Pink Floyd, Guster but... I now do nowt know a thing about her personal life. I have stood up for her as people talkk behidnd her back about her supsensions for drug abouse of reckless behavio... but to her I do not talk any more.
A parent once commended my mom on my being able to "get away" from those kids with a "nestful" of "bad traits". I wanted to punch the man.
I think I stil do...
I do not think dresses were