This is me, who i am, what i feel - - - See ME
This all started as something that i was writting about J2, but then it just kind of took a life of it's own.
so, for those that know me and the ones that think they do and the new members to this comm,
Read, and see me
I sit here in my room thinking about all the choices that I’ve made. The choices that lead me to you. It’s funny looking at it all, it seems like a mass of dots that have no connection but yet here I am. Next to you, touching you, kissing you and loosing my self completely in you. But before this happy life that I’m leading with you, there was pain.
My heart ached for so long, I needed to reach out to someone and i never did. I just sat alone. Wishing that one day there would be more than this feeling inside me. Hollow, empty
Pretending that it didn’t hurt to see all my friends move on. Find love and keep it while I watch for the side lines. Putting on my best fake smile for the world. I want to be happy for them, I do. It’s hard to be happy when you feel like a shell of a person that you could be. It’s impossible. I just want to be in their place, smile like they smile.
They always tell me that I’m lucky that I’m single, that its better this way and I just smile and nod while thinking that if they knew how I felt inside they would never say that to me. They would know all the pain that courses thru me. That screams out every single minute of every day.
I try to be what they want me to be. To be that person that they think has it together and smiles and pretends that every single day isn’t just another day to be alone.
Right now, listening to music that makes me want to die, makes me want to scream to show all of you that you don’t know me. You never have, I’m just a girl with a thousand masks. Each carefully placed so that you can’t see the sadness in my eyes.
My eyes are heavy, I walk and walk and can’t seem to get anywhere. Where do I belong? Where am I going? I don’t’ know. I have no answers to the questions that drive me insane
I wonder if you read this would it make you see me differently, would it make you pity me and want to make it all better?
It wouldn’t help if you did. You don’t’ know what I feel. The rage that I harbor inside. It was never like this before. I want to go back but you can’t turn back.
So I keep walking and hoping that I’ll run into you, my love. The one that I hope is out there. You are the only reason I don’t break down. The only thing that keeps me from grabbing this blade and let it break my skin.
I’m not a religious person, but I pray that you’re out there. That I will be happy one day. That it will be my turn to smile that brightly and show the world that I finally see it. I see all the beauty that was hidden from me.
For now, I wait. Wait for it to make sense. For everything to come to place. For you to long for me like I long for you. Come find me, please