This failure
I feel so incapable.
I can't seem to succeed in anything.
I'm looked on as someone who can, and yet, I really can't.
I've never been the type of person to give up, and I'm of course not going to now or ever.
BUT
why does it have to be so fucking hard?
I seriously almost went through a nervous breakdown in German today.
It took all of my strength to hold it in and not show it, and I hope it was possible.
Now, I have to let it loose.
Why does it always seem like I always get knocked down? I get so upset that I am STILL lacking in German.
Almost seven years, Richard, and you STILL have yet to master the fucking language.
Why is this?
I give myself so many excuses:
Everyone else seems to think it's fine.
The US doesn't have good language education, ESPECIALLY in German, and it's even worse in Kensucky.
It's my first foreign language and I've just now finally been able to live where it is spoken officially.
There aren't as many opportunities to learn German, at least not like there for foreign speakers of English (ie TV, movies, music)
But the reality:
These people who think I can speak German either are trying to be nice, granted Germans/Austrians are very upfront, or they just think because I don't have the stereotypical american accent that I can speak it.
The language education in the US is no excuse. I still have to claim responsibility for not trying harder.
Regardless, I should still be trying harder to speak German instead of English, though English seems to be the preferred language when someone finds out that I'm a native speaker of English. However, someone must be showing me that I'm not pushing myself enough.
I came here for many reasons, but there is one main goal that I wanted to achieve: learn German.
Yes,
I can say I've learned a lot, but for someone who wants to do research in the topic and become a scholar, it's not good enough.
I'm jealous of people who have already mastered a foreign language. Even more so when they've mastered more than one.
I WANT THAT.
German is my passion. I've alwas been the best in the class, but then why do I feel like I'm lacking now?
I just want to wake up and speak it.
Seems like I've got nothing accomplished here.
I lost my wallet.
I've broken my promise to keep in contact with the one I love.
I have people who need me back at home.
I can't satisfy the friends I've made here because of the misfortune I've been given.
I keep getting knocked down. Though I get back up, I just get angrier and more depressed.
Grit my teeth,
clench my fists,
swallow my heart,
and go in headstrong.
but
the inevitable opposite magnetic force that pushes me back
stretching my arm out farther and farther trying to reach my Ziel.
I want my damn cake. Fuck eating it for now, I just want to have the bastard.
Everything has seemed to have gone so wrong, and yet, since I'm the open-minded kind, I just smile, laugh, and shake it off.
But I have a quota.
and I just can't seem to stop... crying.
I'm scared.
and thus,
a fool who will never be what he longs so.
I can't seem to succeed in anything.
I'm looked on as someone who can, and yet, I really can't.
I've never been the type of person to give up, and I'm of course not going to now or ever.
BUT
why does it have to be so fucking hard?
I seriously almost went through a nervous breakdown in German today.
It took all of my strength to hold it in and not show it, and I hope it was possible.
Now, I have to let it loose.
Why does it always seem like I always get knocked down? I get so upset that I am STILL lacking in German.
Almost seven years, Richard, and you STILL have yet to master the fucking language.
Why is this?
I give myself so many excuses:
Everyone else seems to think it's fine.
The US doesn't have good language education, ESPECIALLY in German, and it's even worse in Kensucky.
It's my first foreign language and I've just now finally been able to live where it is spoken officially.
There aren't as many opportunities to learn German, at least not like there for foreign speakers of English (ie TV, movies, music)
But the reality:
These people who think I can speak German either are trying to be nice, granted Germans/Austrians are very upfront, or they just think because I don't have the stereotypical american accent that I can speak it.
The language education in the US is no excuse. I still have to claim responsibility for not trying harder.
Regardless, I should still be trying harder to speak German instead of English, though English seems to be the preferred language when someone finds out that I'm a native speaker of English. However, someone must be showing me that I'm not pushing myself enough.
I came here for many reasons, but there is one main goal that I wanted to achieve: learn German.
Yes,
I can say I've learned a lot, but for someone who wants to do research in the topic and become a scholar, it's not good enough.
I'm jealous of people who have already mastered a foreign language. Even more so when they've mastered more than one.
I WANT THAT.
German is my passion. I've alwas been the best in the class, but then why do I feel like I'm lacking now?
I just want to wake up and speak it.
Seems like I've got nothing accomplished here.
I lost my wallet.
I've broken my promise to keep in contact with the one I love.
I have people who need me back at home.
I can't satisfy the friends I've made here because of the misfortune I've been given.
I keep getting knocked down. Though I get back up, I just get angrier and more depressed.
Grit my teeth,
clench my fists,
swallow my heart,
and go in headstrong.
but
the inevitable opposite magnetic force that pushes me back
stretching my arm out farther and farther trying to reach my Ziel.
I want my damn cake. Fuck eating it for now, I just want to have the bastard.
Everything has seemed to have gone so wrong, and yet, since I'm the open-minded kind, I just smile, laugh, and shake it off.
But I have a quota.
and I just can't seem to stop... crying.
I'm scared.
and thus,
a fool who will never be what he longs so.