Bonekickers - What did I just watch? No really. WHAT!?
Some time ago, I was doing bookdrop and came across Bonekickers a BBC Adventure(?)...Drama(?)...Thingy, and put it on hold for myself, figuring some fiction show about a team of adventuring archaeologists ought to be fun. It came in for me, so I watched it.
I think I sprained my brain.
I'm not sure any of the episodes made sense. No, actually, I'm quite sure none of them made sense, but some made more coherent, er, nonsense than others. The descriptions on the wikipedia entry, while accurate, do not even come close to the cracktasticness that the show was. I can't say it was good. In fact, it was fairly bad, but it was... it was... I can't decide if it was so cracktastically bad that it was good or if it was just so cracktastically train-wrecky that I couldn't stop watching it.
Mac's Description of the Episodes
Army of God: Grad student (or something) gets attached to team of lunatic archaeologists, one of whom is an asshole, one of whom should probably be fired for sexual harassment, and one of whom works with the other two, so there must be something wrong with him. They've found an apparent battle of the Crusades in the middle of England. Oh, and a piece of wood that imparted a nurse with healing power, as pieces of wood do. There are also crazed Christians who want to run Muslims out of England (in the present day), one of whom wants the site because the piece of wood is a piece of the cross - which everyone kept calling the crucifix. On discovering that the battle was really between Knights Templar and some other Christian group who didn't want the discredited Knights to have the cross, our bizarre band and their adversaries end up in a strange half-dangling fight in a stopped up well under a dovecot (where there are a number of wooden crosses). Everything in the well, except our heroes, goes up in flames. Why were there multiple crosses? Why would finding the cross help the religious supremacists? Wouldn't most people not believe them? Was one of those crosses the cross? Is this a realistic show or a magical show?
Warriors: Skeletons and the remains of a ship are found in Bristol channel. A black senator who wants to be president of the United States is accused of wartime cowardice. Everyone who tries to research the ship - which supposedly sank somewhere else - dies or commits suicide. The presidential hopeful is interested. Somehow, the ship was crewed by Maroons who helped Washington win US independence and... went to England for some reason. The presidential hopeful is the descendant of one of them, never mind that they apparently had a little colony in the middle of nowhere off of England unbeknown to anyone. Til now. And somehow this will help the presidental hopeful win. What made people kill themselves? How does this discovery help the presidential hopeful? My god, my description makes more sense than the show did.
The Eternal Fire: An earthquake in Bath opens a passage to a Celtic site underneath the baths where the asshole and the seemingly normal guy argue about their past (sixteen years past) relationship while buried alive and discovering an unknown love affair between Boudicia and a Roman inventor. Who apparently torched Rome in revenge for Boudiccia's death. What? But, hey, aside from Christmas trees that levitate ("your tree was at a 40 degree angle" What??) and Roman grenade/fire bomb/thingies, this one kind of made sense. For a certain value of sense.
The Cradle of Civilization: Iraqi peacemaker archaeologist pursues stolen artifact that generates killer snakes and holds a prophesy for Iraq's future. Somehow a young chess champion is involved. The peacemaker's brother doesn't want Iraq to have independent power. The young chess champion is somehow the key. But the brother doesn't want to go to hell, so he doesn't kill the girl. And they have the prophesy whichy and... Mac is very confused. Apparently, it's a magical show. Hence the snakes. And the girl will grow up to...help Iraq. I think. But why does an artifact with a good prophesy on it conjure killer snakes?
The Lines of War: A British tank from WW1 is found in a field in France. There are six burned bodies in it. Three turn out to be English, three German. There is some unexplained feud between the asshole and another archaeologist over the site. It turns out that the English and German men were archaeologists who had a plan to end the war with the bones of Joan of Arc. No, really. Only another English soldier saw the plot as treason, killed the Germans and then killed the traitors. I think. Unless it was the one who's idea it was who killed the other English soldiers. I got hopelessly lost in the flashbacks and my inability to get past "bones of Joan of Arc = peace." Try keeping track of people who only appear in brief flashback sequences while your brain is going "BZUH!????" So an English guy threatens to kill the team. And vanishes. Bones of Joan of Arc = peace? WHAT!????? WHAT???????
Follow the Gleam: As back story in the earlier episodes are hints of a sword, the pursuit of which drove asshole's mom crazy (the kind of crazy where she stares into space at nothing and scribbles on notepads - I am not sure if this is a real mental ailment or merely movie!crazy). Now this becomes the main story. After being pissed off that the poor grad student (or whatever she is) is her sister, asshole throws pretty much everyone out of her life and first declares that she's done chasing the sword and then returns to the quest for the sword. Meanwhile, there's a secret society of people who wear white masks (that look quite hard to see out of), put people in coffins (with or without rats, depending) and may have driven asshole's mom crazy. They want Excalibur. Asshole wants Excalibur. For some reason she lets everyone back in on the quest and gets a Lady of the Lake moment. Then one of the mask guys grabs the sword and breaks it in trying to kill her. This causes him to do a belly flop in the giant well the sword came from which kills him. Yes, really. Asshole takes the sword to her mom. Then she and her sister throw it back in the well together. What??? WHAT!??? Why did the guy go splat in the giant well - pond, really - and...die? Of...of...WHAT?!?? Did the sword break because he wasn't fit to wield it? Because it was a freaking old sword? Why did they throw it back in? What did I just watch an entire season of!?
And that, my friends, is Bonekickers. Just try to make sense of it.
This entry was originally posted at http://smurasaki.dreamwidth.org/88867.html.
I think I sprained my brain.
I'm not sure any of the episodes made sense. No, actually, I'm quite sure none of them made sense, but some made more coherent, er, nonsense than others. The descriptions on the wikipedia entry, while accurate, do not even come close to the cracktasticness that the show was. I can't say it was good. In fact, it was fairly bad, but it was... it was... I can't decide if it was so cracktastically bad that it was good or if it was just so cracktastically train-wrecky that I couldn't stop watching it.
Mac's Description of the Episodes
Army of God: Grad student (or something) gets attached to team of lunatic archaeologists, one of whom is an asshole, one of whom should probably be fired for sexual harassment, and one of whom works with the other two, so there must be something wrong with him. They've found an apparent battle of the Crusades in the middle of England. Oh, and a piece of wood that imparted a nurse with healing power, as pieces of wood do. There are also crazed Christians who want to run Muslims out of England (in the present day), one of whom wants the site because the piece of wood is a piece of the cross - which everyone kept calling the crucifix. On discovering that the battle was really between Knights Templar and some other Christian group who didn't want the discredited Knights to have the cross, our bizarre band and their adversaries end up in a strange half-dangling fight in a stopped up well under a dovecot (where there are a number of wooden crosses). Everything in the well, except our heroes, goes up in flames. Why were there multiple crosses? Why would finding the cross help the religious supremacists? Wouldn't most people not believe them? Was one of those crosses the cross? Is this a realistic show or a magical show?
Warriors: Skeletons and the remains of a ship are found in Bristol channel. A black senator who wants to be president of the United States is accused of wartime cowardice. Everyone who tries to research the ship - which supposedly sank somewhere else - dies or commits suicide. The presidential hopeful is interested. Somehow, the ship was crewed by Maroons who helped Washington win US independence and... went to England for some reason. The presidential hopeful is the descendant of one of them, never mind that they apparently had a little colony in the middle of nowhere off of England unbeknown to anyone. Til now. And somehow this will help the presidental hopeful win. What made people kill themselves? How does this discovery help the presidential hopeful? My god, my description makes more sense than the show did.
The Eternal Fire: An earthquake in Bath opens a passage to a Celtic site underneath the baths where the asshole and the seemingly normal guy argue about their past (sixteen years past) relationship while buried alive and discovering an unknown love affair between Boudicia and a Roman inventor. Who apparently torched Rome in revenge for Boudiccia's death. What? But, hey, aside from Christmas trees that levitate ("your tree was at a 40 degree angle" What??) and Roman grenade/fire bomb/thingies, this one kind of made sense. For a certain value of sense.
The Cradle of Civilization: Iraqi peacemaker archaeologist pursues stolen artifact that generates killer snakes and holds a prophesy for Iraq's future. Somehow a young chess champion is involved. The peacemaker's brother doesn't want Iraq to have independent power. The young chess champion is somehow the key. But the brother doesn't want to go to hell, so he doesn't kill the girl. And they have the prophesy whichy and... Mac is very confused. Apparently, it's a magical show. Hence the snakes. And the girl will grow up to...help Iraq. I think. But why does an artifact with a good prophesy on it conjure killer snakes?
The Lines of War: A British tank from WW1 is found in a field in France. There are six burned bodies in it. Three turn out to be English, three German. There is some unexplained feud between the asshole and another archaeologist over the site. It turns out that the English and German men were archaeologists who had a plan to end the war with the bones of Joan of Arc. No, really. Only another English soldier saw the plot as treason, killed the Germans and then killed the traitors. I think. Unless it was the one who's idea it was who killed the other English soldiers. I got hopelessly lost in the flashbacks and my inability to get past "bones of Joan of Arc = peace." Try keeping track of people who only appear in brief flashback sequences while your brain is going "BZUH!????" So an English guy threatens to kill the team. And vanishes. Bones of Joan of Arc = peace? WHAT!????? WHAT???????
Follow the Gleam: As back story in the earlier episodes are hints of a sword, the pursuit of which drove asshole's mom crazy (the kind of crazy where she stares into space at nothing and scribbles on notepads - I am not sure if this is a real mental ailment or merely movie!crazy). Now this becomes the main story. After being pissed off that the poor grad student (or whatever she is) is her sister, asshole throws pretty much everyone out of her life and first declares that she's done chasing the sword and then returns to the quest for the sword. Meanwhile, there's a secret society of people who wear white masks (that look quite hard to see out of), put people in coffins (with or without rats, depending) and may have driven asshole's mom crazy. They want Excalibur. Asshole wants Excalibur. For some reason she lets everyone back in on the quest and gets a Lady of the Lake moment. Then one of the mask guys grabs the sword and breaks it in trying to kill her. This causes him to do a belly flop in the giant well the sword came from which kills him. Yes, really. Asshole takes the sword to her mom. Then she and her sister throw it back in the well together. What??? WHAT!??? Why did the guy go splat in the giant well - pond, really - and...die? Of...of...WHAT?!?? Did the sword break because he wasn't fit to wield it? Because it was a freaking old sword? Why did they throw it back in? What did I just watch an entire season of!?
And that, my friends, is Bonekickers. Just try to make sense of it.
This entry was originally posted at http://smurasaki.dreamwidth.org/88867.html.