Sporking The Coach That Never Came - Chapter 9
This is it. This the chapter of catastrophic research fail! Research fail that is not only absurd, but seems to make the events of the story impossible, or at least extremely improbable. Best of all, it's research fail that primarily results from Ms. Beatty's apparent inability to find a map.
9. An Attack
Paul comes down to breakfast and finds that Grandma is taking her faulty clock to be fixed at Kelly's dad's shop. She also mentions that she almost married Pete Dobbs's father back during World War Two, but your grandfather came along and I married him instead. Pete's father was a pilot who died along with his mom in a crash in a cross-country air race when their son was just entering his teens. Not only are we in to random information again, but I find myself wondering who raised him. We also get the -partly repeated- information that the Dobbs and the Morses are old families. And Paul tells Grandma that Jay's coming over so they can get her opinion on the information they have.
"Well, I'm flattered! What about Jay's summer jobs?"
"He postponed 'em."
"Too bad you can't postpone grass growing. Aaaand we're back to random asshollery.
Jay arrives and Grandma does needlepoint while they tell her what they've found out.
Finally she said, "So, you think Bronco Billy's father was the outlaw, Kid Ruby? I never heard of him." Yes, you have. You've heard this theory already from Paul. Did anyone read this book after it was written? Besides me?
Jay then reads her the list of phrases and words they got from the Old One.
At "bus" she frowned deeply and said, "That's an odd word in that list."
"We think so too." No, you don't. You said in last chapter that she called anything with wheels a bus. I'm putting more effort into this spork than Ms. Beatty put into writing the damn book.
"Grandmother, the Old One also said the words 'Indian Peaks.' Jay says it's a real place. It's on the old stagecoach route between here and Fairplay." Yes, it's real, but no, it's not on the Fairplay stage route. And didn't she ask you to call her Grandma, robot boy?
Mrs. Weber smiled. "I know that road well. You should, it's Highway 24. It's something of a major road. It's been a long time since I was on it, though. I...suppose. It's not far from here. Indeed. If you want, we can go up there today. I'm free. I'll fix a picnic lunch and after we drop off my clock, we'll drive there to eat. Could you come, Jay? We would like to have you with us.
He agrees. Grandma says she has time to fry some chicken and make some salad. Is fried chicken reasonably quick to make? I wouldn't expect so, but I have no idea. It is at least 10 am book time and they're planning to leave at 11:30. We can find a ravine off the road in the Indian Peaks area where we can eat our lunch. What on Highway 24 does Ms. Beatty think is the Indian Peaks area??? Did she just use random locations she knew were in Colorado without thought to whether they were anywhere near each other?
At eleven thirty-five Mrs. Weber was ready with the picnic hamper. Paul and Jay had helped get the lunch ready, making sandwiches and a green salad. Sandwiches and fried chicken? Oh, I give up. Sally Weber had told them, "A boy's place is in the kitchen as much as a girl's is in the workshop. I agree and I still think this is a shitty, shitty line.
Grandma calls and thanks Mrs. Smart for the dinner the other night and mentions that they're off to Indian Peaks to picnic that afternoon.
They also drop the clock off and Grandma apparently tells Mr. Morse and Mr. Dobbs where they're going as well. Gotta make sure all the suspects know! Even the suspects the main characters are somehow unaware of. Then she came back, slid behind the wheel, and headed out of town.
As she drove, she told them, "There's no rush getting there. Let's go through some parts of the city Paul hasn't seen yet. How? You were just heading out of town. Maybe next week we'll go see the Garden on the Gods But that's actually along the way! and the Broadmoor Hotel. Which isn't far at all from the only part of town you can possibly live in.
Jay asks if he's seen the Air Force Academy. Grandma answers that he hasn't, but he will. Now that would be really out of the way. Where do they actually go? I'VE NO IDEA.
Some thirty minutes after they had left the outskirts of the town they were climbing into mountain country, heading west. Not on Earth, they weren't. You head west on Highway 24 and you are in the mountains, heading up Ute Pass.
Thirty minutes west of Colorado Springs on Highway 24 and you are in Florissant, Colorado and have gone through the entirety of Ute Pass. A simple map would tell you this, Ms. Beatty. What in gods name did you use for research? A Ouija Board? Mrs. Weber explained to Paul, "We go through a pass. It's supposed to be solid granite cliffs. Supposed to be? You've been there! Did you have your eyes closed!?
Jay said solemnly, "That's what's so funny about the old coach disappearing. It happened in a pass where there were rock walls on each side and no roads going away from the road." At the time, yes, that's...probably more or less true. For the eastern part of the route, anyway.
"Yes, this is rock walls and some narrow shallow ravines that dead-end in sheer rock," agreed Mrs. Weber. You just said you supposed it was. Have you been there or not? "I used to hike in the area as a girl scout. Oh, fuck it, I'm not expecting any kind of consistency out of the characters at this point.
On and on they went, for thirty miles, until high cliffs of dark rock loomed over them to the left and right. Thirty miles from Colorado Springs gets you to Florissant, same as thirty minutes and Florissant has a decided lack of high cliffs.
But we'd already gotten there, since we left Colorado Springs thirty minutes ago. So we're now roughly at Hartsell. Hartsell really lacks high cliffs.
Is it too much for you to look at a bloody map, Ms. Beatty? I mean REALLY? Where the hell do you think this story is taking place!? You can't think it's in Indian Peaks, they'd have gone through Denver to go there. How do you fail research that only required A MAP. Hell, the damn book you got the stagecoach legend out of would be enough to tell you this is all completely wrong. It's like you did negative research.
The pass was a gloomy place, a "black place," as the Old One had said, with very dark gray rocks all around them. Red granite actually, and I've never found the route gloomy, but that could just be me. Paul was glad when Mrs. Weber said they were nearing the end of the pass and that she would pull off into one of the ravines for their picnic. They would have been out of the cliffs loooong before the end of the pass, wherever it's considered to end. If they're just coming out of the part with cliffs, they are at Cascade, Colorado, on a four lane highway, about 10 miles out of Colorado Springs. The geography fail is so bad here, I'm not even sure how much is wrong with the next bit. If they're near Cascade, it its completely impossible. If they're really out of the actual pass, they're on a two lane highway, though a well traveled one, and somewhere in the vicinity of Florissant, and if they're really an hour out of town, they're near Hartsel, either of which still hampers whats about to happen, and if the latter makes what happens impossible because the geography is completely wrong. So we have a choice between impossible, highly improbable, and impossible.
A car speeds past them, shocking them.
Then they go around a curve in the road.
The car that had sped by them so recklessly was parked across the left-hand side of the narrow road, blocking both lanes. There was no way to pass it. If it's only across the left hand side, you can pass it. Unless we mean the left hand side of a divided highway. Either way, I want to know why there isn't other traffic inconvenienced by this. Highway 24 is not a deserted road in the middle of nowhere.
Mrs. Weber stops the car. A man gets out of the car blocking the road.
He had on a navy blue jumpsuit that covered his clothes. On his head he wore a knitted, black ski mask that had holes for eyes, nose, and mouth. Over one shoulder he carried coiled ropes, and in his right hand was a blue-metal pistol, which he pointed directly at them.
You waited until he pointed the pistol at you? You didn't see someone dressed extremely freaky get out of a car blocking your path and think that maybe a u-turn was in order? Assuming we are on the two lane road, that is. I can see being reluctant to drive the wrong way on a divided highway. But where the hell's the traffic? They have to be near a town and Highway 24 has had plenty of traffic every time I've been on it. It's the middle of the day, not the middle of the night.
The man orders them to park and get out of the car. He then marches them back down the road to a gully. I'm still wondering where the traffic is. They go down the gully and he orders Jay to tie up Grandma, and Paul to tie up Jay. Then the man ties up Paul. He then leaves the ravine.
"We'll be all right, boys. Our car'll be spotted sooner or later by the highway patrol. Or someone going to work, from work, shopping in Colorado Springs, out for a drive, etc. The only way this scene could make less sense is if it happened in a neighborhood. No, actually, it might make more sense in some neighborhoods.
Paul thinks it's Mr. Morse or Mr. Smart. (I wonder why Mr. Dobbs doesn't occur to him, but whatever.) He's even willing to believe it could be Jay's friend Lewis. I don't get how this kid's mind works.
They get free after working at it for forty-five minutes and decide it must be safe to go back to their car. The other car is now parked as well. They can't drive off because Grandma's car keys are gone. Grandma suggests waiting there. Darwin Award candidate, anyone? Paul suggests walking back to town. What town, it doesn't really matter, there are several - not that the book knows this, which means he's suggesting walking sixty miles back to Colorado Springs. *sigh* Jay has another idea.
"Go exploring, right now. Look in the ravine just ahead of us, the one with the dead tree over the cliff. I've heard about that tree. We're going to go looking in there for the picture rock." Bzuh? NOW????
Jay explains that the Old One indicated that the "dancing rock" is near the picture rock.
"I think the rock blocks the entrance to a cave. That would be her 'black place.' Then she said 'bus' again. I think she was talking about the old stagecoach. It could be inside there!" Dude, there's a guy with a gun lurking about. Go get the authorities and then check out the cave. Are you all trying for Darwin Awards?
Apparently, they are. Jay dismisses the idea that the gunman might be looking for the cave behind the dancing rock because he has rope. It occurs to none of them that there may be multiple ways into the same cave and they head off to find the cave behind the "dancing rock." When they locate the dead tree that marks the way (and I think we're supposed to believe it's marked the way for a very long time, which is improbable but typical of treasure hunting stories), Grandma worries that they're taking too long and suggests they go back to the car to wait - which is somehow, in her mind, totally safer. *facepalm* (In the real world, it might be, but not in Martian Colorado Springs where there's no traffic on Highway 24.)
They continue to the rock, swivel it aside, and go into the cave.
And find the stage coach.
And the skeletal bodies of the missing passengers and driver.
And then they find the man with the gun again.
This entry was originally posted at http://smurasaki.dreamwidth.org/87887.html.