home is wherever i'm with you
so any kind of aforementioned motivation is out the window. completely gonzo. i don't feel bothered by that one bit and i don't think i should be, either. it is what it is.
the exercise crap doesn't worry me, i've never been able to force it or really find any kind of enjoyment in it anyways. except i do love to stretch. but the lack of reading and writing does. i want to write. i have all these thoughts in my head that need to be explored and explained and i know i can do both of those in a decent fashion... but not when i'm not reading. i can certainly TRY. like i'm doing now. but it's not the same. it's not something i would want to read over after i'm done writing it because there's no POINT or POIGNANCY to it. so why would anyone else want to either? simply musings, no more. not that i think it has to be more... i'm good at musings.
it doesn't seem like reading should be that difficult, but i honestly just don't think of doing it anymore. i do when i'm by myself, but if i'm not at work, i'm at neal's. which i LOVE, but i'm just never really by myself anymore. plus i just don't think of reading very often while i'm there and if i do, i usually end up falling asleep before i can get past a few pages. terrible. i don't want to be like that.
unfortunately, now-a-days i am perpetually sleepy. every other week i have to wake up at 6:30 a.m. or so and then when i don't have to get up until 9:30 the following week, i can never sleep in that long. on the other end of the day, that means my body wants to fall asleep by 11 p.m. or so. i've never ever had a sleep schedule like this one in my life haha and i don't like it. i LIKE being awake at 3 a.m. and everything that time in the morning involves. le sigh.
i completely love my parents and family and have absolutely no problem living with them at this juncture in my life. it just hurts a smidge that i have no other choice right now. even though i'm working at a job that pays me over $35k a year i am financially SQUEAKING by. basically between my OUTRAGEOUS and OFFENSIVE student loans and my car payment, that eats up about $1,400 of my paychecks every month. which basically leaves me with just enough money to pay for the gas it takes to drive back and forth between concord and manchester every day. not including the money i never even see that gets taken out for health, life, and dental insurance.
the killer is, i don't even know if i can say that i live at my house anymore. basically, for the past month or two, my routine has gone as follows: go to work, then right to neal's after work. then i spend the night there and go home in the morning to change and get ready for work. repeat. i literally see my family for an average of an hour a week or so. i love them way too friggen much to see them so little but in actuality, they're not at our house very much, either. so even if i did go home more often, the odds of people being there are slim to none. and obviously i love being with neal all the time and i wouldn't trade that for anything in the world, but i feel like i need to find more of a balance.
yikes. the above is entirely too naggy and complaint-ridden. haha i am ridiculous.
the exercise crap doesn't worry me, i've never been able to force it or really find any kind of enjoyment in it anyways. except i do love to stretch. but the lack of reading and writing does. i want to write. i have all these thoughts in my head that need to be explored and explained and i know i can do both of those in a decent fashion... but not when i'm not reading. i can certainly TRY. like i'm doing now. but it's not the same. it's not something i would want to read over after i'm done writing it because there's no POINT or POIGNANCY to it. so why would anyone else want to either? simply musings, no more. not that i think it has to be more... i'm good at musings.
it doesn't seem like reading should be that difficult, but i honestly just don't think of doing it anymore. i do when i'm by myself, but if i'm not at work, i'm at neal's. which i LOVE, but i'm just never really by myself anymore. plus i just don't think of reading very often while i'm there and if i do, i usually end up falling asleep before i can get past a few pages. terrible. i don't want to be like that.
unfortunately, now-a-days i am perpetually sleepy. every other week i have to wake up at 6:30 a.m. or so and then when i don't have to get up until 9:30 the following week, i can never sleep in that long. on the other end of the day, that means my body wants to fall asleep by 11 p.m. or so. i've never ever had a sleep schedule like this one in my life haha and i don't like it. i LIKE being awake at 3 a.m. and everything that time in the morning involves. le sigh.
i completely love my parents and family and have absolutely no problem living with them at this juncture in my life. it just hurts a smidge that i have no other choice right now. even though i'm working at a job that pays me over $35k a year i am financially SQUEAKING by. basically between my OUTRAGEOUS and OFFENSIVE student loans and my car payment, that eats up about $1,400 of my paychecks every month. which basically leaves me with just enough money to pay for the gas it takes to drive back and forth between concord and manchester every day. not including the money i never even see that gets taken out for health, life, and dental insurance.
the killer is, i don't even know if i can say that i live at my house anymore. basically, for the past month or two, my routine has gone as follows: go to work, then right to neal's after work. then i spend the night there and go home in the morning to change and get ready for work. repeat. i literally see my family for an average of an hour a week or so. i love them way too friggen much to see them so little but in actuality, they're not at our house very much, either. so even if i did go home more often, the odds of people being there are slim to none. and obviously i love being with neal all the time and i wouldn't trade that for anything in the world, but i feel like i need to find more of a balance.
yikes. the above is entirely too naggy and complaint-ridden. haha i am ridiculous.