i've got to admit it's getting better... a little better all the time
i've thought about this a lot. i don't want to be someone's second choice. i don't want to be the girl someone's with just because his first choice already had a boyfriend. i don't want to be the "other" girl. i don't want to be the girl who keeps hanging out with a boy, always hoping he'll break up with his girlfriend. i don't want to be the girl that's good enough until something better comes along. i don't want to be the girl that's annoying and clingy and always wrong. i don't want to be the girl who's only good for sex. i don't want to be the girl who always has to initiate the text messages and calls and kisses.
i just want someone who sees every single part of me and couldn't picture anything better. i want someone who thinks i'm the shit. i want someone who can see the way i think and understand why it makes me act the way it does and for them to actually and wholeheartedly like if not love all those thoughts and actions.
and i want to feel the same exact way about them.
is that too much too ask?
(the sad thing is i think it is.)
the other sad thing is that i've been every one of those aforementioned girls before. the not-so-sad thing is that i'm pretty sure i'm not any of them now. strike that. i KNOW i'm not. but i have been before. and i will be again. probably shortly ha ha.
but i'm also not really any kind of girl right now. i mean i obviously am. but not to a boy. and not that it's necessary for boys to even be a part of this... but i mean it will be eventually, right? i don't want all those things up there to be happening NOW. god no! just when the time comes. later in life. i want to know that i can fuck up and around and be whatever girl i want right now as long as somewhere down the road... when i'm ready... i can be safe. i just want to be able to fully fully put all of myself into something without having this voice in the back of my head saying "watch it bitch..."
this wise man joseph campbell once said that we must be willing to get rid of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. i think he's got a good point. a SUPER good point. i think too often we get caught up in what we had imagined our life was gonna be like and we don't pay enough attention to the potential life in front of us. this might be the answer to my problem. i'm not sure though.
i think i need to start taking boys out of the equation for a little while. well just other people in general. i have a super good current example of this. ever since like the end of last year, i've been toying with the idea of transferring. i just always seem to feel so much happier at home and the people here mostly aren't my scene.
okay. a little while ago steph posted (beautifully!) about how she doesn't even miss new hampshire cause it isn't her home anymore. and i realized that's my problem. freshman year i came to school with a boyfriend. that means right off the bat i didn't even want siena to be my home. i couldn't think of somewhere that was so lacking in people i loved as "home." i mean i made friends, but my heart just wasn't in it. it was somewhere else being a FUCKING MORON AND LEARNING SOME SERIOUS LIFE LESSONS. ahem. the point is that i think i was just never able to think of siena as my home. after two plus years... i'm mostly comfortable here and i know it really well but there are still so many times it feels like sleepaway camp. like i'm just waiting to go to my home. my REAL home. not some crappy camp in the woods with bunk beds and bugs and smelly boys.
but i then i realized how much actually goes into transferring (especially for second semester of your junior year) and i decided to give it a little more thought. so i started really observing things here and how i feel when i'm here. and lately... lately i've been noticing how many people are in my life here. how many people who would be like "dude where the hell is caitlin?!" if i just randomly didn't come back next semester. i've noticed how this place became my home whether i wanted it to or not.
i really do have fun here. for the most part ha ha. but it's more than that. once you get to the third year... of anything... there aren't many surprises. you know whatever you've been doing for those three years inside and out. i think it's almost like the point of no return. you have a kind of commitment with this three-year endeavor. after having stuck anything out for 3 years, you're essentially saying that you haven't had a problem with it yet, and if things keep going the way they are there won't be a problem. think of this in a super broad sense here.
my two topics are completely related and i could connect them for you in a know-all-english-professor kind of way...but i'm gonna leave this one for homework. plus if you can't figure it out you aren't ready to be in my class anyways.
i just want someone who sees every single part of me and couldn't picture anything better. i want someone who thinks i'm the shit. i want someone who can see the way i think and understand why it makes me act the way it does and for them to actually and wholeheartedly like if not love all those thoughts and actions.
and i want to feel the same exact way about them.
is that too much too ask?
(the sad thing is i think it is.)
the other sad thing is that i've been every one of those aforementioned girls before. the not-so-sad thing is that i'm pretty sure i'm not any of them now. strike that. i KNOW i'm not. but i have been before. and i will be again. probably shortly ha ha.
but i'm also not really any kind of girl right now. i mean i obviously am. but not to a boy. and not that it's necessary for boys to even be a part of this... but i mean it will be eventually, right? i don't want all those things up there to be happening NOW. god no! just when the time comes. later in life. i want to know that i can fuck up and around and be whatever girl i want right now as long as somewhere down the road... when i'm ready... i can be safe. i just want to be able to fully fully put all of myself into something without having this voice in the back of my head saying "watch it bitch..."
this wise man joseph campbell once said that we must be willing to get rid of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. i think he's got a good point. a SUPER good point. i think too often we get caught up in what we had imagined our life was gonna be like and we don't pay enough attention to the potential life in front of us. this might be the answer to my problem. i'm not sure though.
i think i need to start taking boys out of the equation for a little while. well just other people in general. i have a super good current example of this. ever since like the end of last year, i've been toying with the idea of transferring. i just always seem to feel so much happier at home and the people here mostly aren't my scene.
okay. a little while ago steph posted (beautifully!) about how she doesn't even miss new hampshire cause it isn't her home anymore. and i realized that's my problem. freshman year i came to school with a boyfriend. that means right off the bat i didn't even want siena to be my home. i couldn't think of somewhere that was so lacking in people i loved as "home." i mean i made friends, but my heart just wasn't in it. it was somewhere else being a FUCKING MORON AND LEARNING SOME SERIOUS LIFE LESSONS. ahem. the point is that i think i was just never able to think of siena as my home. after two plus years... i'm mostly comfortable here and i know it really well but there are still so many times it feels like sleepaway camp. like i'm just waiting to go to my home. my REAL home. not some crappy camp in the woods with bunk beds and bugs and smelly boys.
but i then i realized how much actually goes into transferring (especially for second semester of your junior year) and i decided to give it a little more thought. so i started really observing things here and how i feel when i'm here. and lately... lately i've been noticing how many people are in my life here. how many people who would be like "dude where the hell is caitlin?!" if i just randomly didn't come back next semester. i've noticed how this place became my home whether i wanted it to or not.
i really do have fun here. for the most part ha ha. but it's more than that. once you get to the third year... of anything... there aren't many surprises. you know whatever you've been doing for those three years inside and out. i think it's almost like the point of no return. you have a kind of commitment with this three-year endeavor. after having stuck anything out for 3 years, you're essentially saying that you haven't had a problem with it yet, and if things keep going the way they are there won't be a problem. think of this in a super broad sense here.
my two topics are completely related and i could connect them for you in a know-all-english-professor kind of way...but i'm gonna leave this one for homework. plus if you can't figure it out you aren't ready to be in my class anyways.