some things i can't get used to... no matter how i try
okay this is going to completely contradict my random and not-thought-out idea in the last post... but i'm pretty sure i'm just not the boyfriend type. which is sweet cause i'm not so sure guys see me as the girlfriend type ha ha. which also kind of sucks. i mean i obviously eventually want to settle down and whatever...blah i don't know. i think i'm just trying to figure out if i can do what i'm doing for now without ultimately being screwed over by life.
plus i think i've been going through the motions for a really long time. and i'm scared that won't stop.
there's these two sides of me that are completely contradicting each other. i mean half of me is perfectly content just chilling out and being laid back about crap and taking it all as it comes. more than half... i'd say like 83.5%. and the only time there's a problem with that is when the remaining percentage of me is like CAITLIN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. HOW ARE PEOPLE EVER GONNA TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY IF YOU KEEP THIS SHIT UP?
but things don't need to be taken seriously at this point in our lives. right?
i just... don't see a point in relationships right now. they don't ensure romance or fidelity or safety or even really a connection and definitely not love. i dunno i mean i guess they guarantee that someone's always there but honestly if people are worth your time they'll always be there whether you're in a relationship or not. so what's the point?
CAITLIN'S THEORY ON WHY PEOPLE GET INTO RELATIONSHIPS:
i think sometimes we just get to these points in our life where we subconsciously look around and we're just like WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. like you suddenly realize that you're on a super fast merry-go-round or something and you just hold onto the closest thing to you. or closest person to you, as the case may be. and of course people in relationships will argue that it is absolutely nothing like that. hence SUBconscious. people are too busy being ruled by hormones and sex drives and everything that comes along with them to even get the opportunity to think about why they're doing what they're doing. plus if and when they do get that opportunity those same crazy hormones fool you into thinking it's more than a crazy ass ride.
this all isn't to say that i don't believe in love. although i'd probably be pretty freaking close to it if it weren't for my parents. i dunno... love and relationships really don't have any connection in my head. to me love is something that comes after the hormones and once the crazy ass ride has kinda stopped. it's the real connection that everyone is looking for when they go into relationships.
and this may very well just be the result of my not being able to stay on top of my birth control, leading to uncontrolled hormones and sending me into emotional overdrive.
but i don't know.
i can't tell if this hurts.
which i believe is the definition of numb.
plus i think i've been going through the motions for a really long time. and i'm scared that won't stop.
there's these two sides of me that are completely contradicting each other. i mean half of me is perfectly content just chilling out and being laid back about crap and taking it all as it comes. more than half... i'd say like 83.5%. and the only time there's a problem with that is when the remaining percentage of me is like CAITLIN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. HOW ARE PEOPLE EVER GONNA TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY IF YOU KEEP THIS SHIT UP?
but things don't need to be taken seriously at this point in our lives. right?
i just... don't see a point in relationships right now. they don't ensure romance or fidelity or safety or even really a connection and definitely not love. i dunno i mean i guess they guarantee that someone's always there but honestly if people are worth your time they'll always be there whether you're in a relationship or not. so what's the point?
CAITLIN'S THEORY ON WHY PEOPLE GET INTO RELATIONSHIPS:
i think sometimes we just get to these points in our life where we subconsciously look around and we're just like WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. like you suddenly realize that you're on a super fast merry-go-round or something and you just hold onto the closest thing to you. or closest person to you, as the case may be. and of course people in relationships will argue that it is absolutely nothing like that. hence SUBconscious. people are too busy being ruled by hormones and sex drives and everything that comes along with them to even get the opportunity to think about why they're doing what they're doing. plus if and when they do get that opportunity those same crazy hormones fool you into thinking it's more than a crazy ass ride.
this all isn't to say that i don't believe in love. although i'd probably be pretty freaking close to it if it weren't for my parents. i dunno... love and relationships really don't have any connection in my head. to me love is something that comes after the hormones and once the crazy ass ride has kinda stopped. it's the real connection that everyone is looking for when they go into relationships.
and this may very well just be the result of my not being able to stay on top of my birth control, leading to uncontrolled hormones and sending me into emotional overdrive.
but i don't know.
i can't tell if this hurts.
which i believe is the definition of numb.