(no subject)
i never wanted to hurt her, i never wanted it to end up like this, i just wanted what was best for the relationship. i trust her completely, i wanted to take advantage of an opportunity, first misunderstood, then thrown into other stupid reasons. im in hell now, what do i do?
well lately I've been trying to have fun, I'm still depressed, angry, dying a little every second, but trying to hold in.
tonight was a harder night, we planned to go ice skating, we did.. it was mighty cold in there, and damn... i wanted to grab her hand and hold it.. how would that turn out? i dont know, it seems im always screwing up as it is, so ill just back off on that point. I wanted to " talk " if anyone knows what I mean... I told her a few days back that i want a day to " talk " but... she never wants to, and if i bring anything up i feel like a bad person because im destroying any slightly good mood that's present, if there is one. How the hell should a problem just be cured by not even thinking about it, i still have stuff to say, stuff that's killing me and stuff i want her to know, but i just wish she'd present herself as atleast wanting to spare a little time to get some stuff outta the way. There's this huge wall of depression and anger and unfairness in front of me and damnit im waiting to take a sledgehammer to it and get it all outta the way, but like always.. im waiting.
ok i know all you friends are just trying to help and stuff, but please don't tell me " there's plenty of fish in the see "... ... ... if i wanted any other fish, why would i keep swimming after this one? i don't care how big that ocean is, i dont want any other fish. i just wish that fish would turn around and join me instead of going further and further.
i wanted to have fun tonight, i couldnt really. Ultimately, it was fun, ice skating, woohoo, we were gonna do more but she has finals tomorrow so i just told her to head home.. but damn, so much brings me down. everything, i honestly can't even go to the mall or anything.. i went to the gainesville mall with some friends trying to show me a good time because i've been in the gutter so much lately, but.. everything i looked at reminded me of her or how much i suck. this is my fault i guess, she wanted this, im sure she didnt want it because of something she did.. but... it's a crime to care nowadays... grrr
well ill go to my bed at 7:30.. do my study guides then lay in my bed of depression all night just like the last 18 nights.
-toddy
p.s. i know all you people tell me " just be happy, be jolly " etc. well, im not the type of person to hide how i feel, im not going to mislead anyone, but im not gonna try bringing them down. you hide stuff, it results in disaster.
p.s.s goodluck on ur finals everyone, ill need some luck as well
well lately I've been trying to have fun, I'm still depressed, angry, dying a little every second, but trying to hold in.
tonight was a harder night, we planned to go ice skating, we did.. it was mighty cold in there, and damn... i wanted to grab her hand and hold it.. how would that turn out? i dont know, it seems im always screwing up as it is, so ill just back off on that point. I wanted to " talk " if anyone knows what I mean... I told her a few days back that i want a day to " talk " but... she never wants to, and if i bring anything up i feel like a bad person because im destroying any slightly good mood that's present, if there is one. How the hell should a problem just be cured by not even thinking about it, i still have stuff to say, stuff that's killing me and stuff i want her to know, but i just wish she'd present herself as atleast wanting to spare a little time to get some stuff outta the way. There's this huge wall of depression and anger and unfairness in front of me and damnit im waiting to take a sledgehammer to it and get it all outta the way, but like always.. im waiting.
ok i know all you friends are just trying to help and stuff, but please don't tell me " there's plenty of fish in the see "... ... ... if i wanted any other fish, why would i keep swimming after this one? i don't care how big that ocean is, i dont want any other fish. i just wish that fish would turn around and join me instead of going further and further.
i wanted to have fun tonight, i couldnt really. Ultimately, it was fun, ice skating, woohoo, we were gonna do more but she has finals tomorrow so i just told her to head home.. but damn, so much brings me down. everything, i honestly can't even go to the mall or anything.. i went to the gainesville mall with some friends trying to show me a good time because i've been in the gutter so much lately, but.. everything i looked at reminded me of her or how much i suck. this is my fault i guess, she wanted this, im sure she didnt want it because of something she did.. but... it's a crime to care nowadays... grrr
well ill go to my bed at 7:30.. do my study guides then lay in my bed of depression all night just like the last 18 nights.
-toddy
p.s. i know all you people tell me " just be happy, be jolly " etc. well, im not the type of person to hide how i feel, im not going to mislead anyone, but im not gonna try bringing them down. you hide stuff, it results in disaster.
p.s.s goodluck on ur finals everyone, ill need some luck as well