My brother's life is so much more exciting than mine.
"Dude, listen to what I had to put up with last night."
"Okay..."
"Chris's sister, Courtney..."
"Is she hot?"
"Yeah, but she's my best friend's sister, so I really can't go there. But I should have at lest gotten a hand job or something for the shit I did for her last night.---So anyway, Courtney called me at 11:30 asking if I could help her take Mook (their husky) to the animal hospital because she got attacked by their other dog. Okay, DUDE, I get there and the master bathroom looks like a fucking slaughter house. There's blood splattered all over the walls and the floors... just fucking all over the place. Mook? Mook is blind and deaf and she's outside running around like Hellen Keller, bleeding everywhere from behind her ear. It took me a fucking half-hour to catch her and that was only because I gave in and tackled her from behind.
"Hold on. Mook is blind and deaf and she was able to run around the backyard?"
"Yeah. I dunno, she has bat sonar or something. Except she can't hear, so I don't really know how that works.
Yeeeaah, and did I mention I was on my way home from a party, after drinking, and I was hoping to be in bed by midnight?? Yeah...
So we take the dog to the animal hospital and it takes two hours, TWO HOURS to get some pain killers. That's it! They didn't want to stitch her or anything! THEN, when I pick Mook up to put her in the car, her ear rubs against my face and neck and I look like I just fucking killed someone. There's blood all down my right side. And I smell like Cuervo.
OH! Yeah, and while we were in the hospital I say something stupid like, "hey we should just do a sacrifice and get naked and rub blood all over our bodies and dance around a bonfire in your backyard." And the nurse just looked at me all weird, got up and went into the back -- I figured to call the cops on me...
Like I really needed that. I was only joking.
But yeah, so we get back to Courtney's house..."
"Wait, where the hell were her parents through all of this??"
"They were out of town. And Chris's sorry ass was sleeping because he had to get up at 5:00 a.m. to go to work in the morning. And I'M A NICE GUY, SO I GET STUCK HELPING THIS GIRL THAT ISN'T GOING TO GIVE ME ANY FOR MY EFFORTS. After we get back to Courtney's house I help her clean up blood until 4:00 a.m. FOUR A.M.!! I'm sweating alcohol, and I'm covered in blood and I'm totally a night shift cop's wet dream. Thank GOD I made it home without getting arrested... and did I mention without getting any from Courtney??"
"I'm sorry I wasn't there to see all this."
"Yeah. Fuckin' crazy."