CHAPTER TWO
Archive
Chapter One | Chapter Two
The first elimination. Who will be kicked out for the first round?! Click in to find out.
The first day in the new house, the new residents seemed to have a difficult time with...a few things. Most specifically:
The restroom. We went nearly twelve hours without an incident in the home.
Then came dinner. It was our first meal together (as a family, as Wilfred H. Smithjones would have wanted it).
Things were tense as there had not been enough seating prepared (thank you, Earnest). Earnest managed to grab the last seat -- much to the dismay of Victoria. What's worse, Earnest sat next to Victoria's husband. I could feel her glare from my seat.
Victoria: Toilet trash baby brother. This means war.
In any case -- the restroom had been, so far, a bit of a problem. Then it became...a bigger problem.
Alfie was the first victim of poor life choices; food before the potty was never wise. This was especially difficult for her, as she'd been desperate for her siblings' approval since arriving on the lot. They would hardly acknowledge her existence -- and now...
They were undoubtedly disgusted. Sounds of, "Egh! Ew!" filled the room; no one would even meet Alfie's round green eyes as she looked around in horror.
Thankfully for her, there was one person there who knew what it meant to be an outsider. A vigilante of the pants-pottying -- a hero in his own right.
A freshly hair-trimmed Mitch stood up, looked straight at Alfie, and remained quite still. None of us knew what was happening until moments later, when a puddle appeared on the floor. Mitch poker-face piddled all over the dining room floor, and Alfie was not alone.
Mitch's boyfriend, Earnest, was unimpressed. McDermott was simply confused.
McDermott: Is this a thing we're doing now?! Are we peeing on the floor? Oh my god I don't know what to do!
Earnest: You're sleeping on a couch somewhere tonight. I just can't.
That night Earnest slept with his big sister -- his best friend. He and Belle were quite comfortable in the master suite, but little did they know...
There was someone nearby who wanted only to be part of their little circle of love. The couch was as close as she would get.
It's not quite as sweet as you might think it would be, as she woke up in the early morning and spent an hour or so staring at her siblings.
It was...uncomfortable.
Day two began with Mitch breaking the toilet. He feared, most of all, Earnest's continued scorn.
Day two continued the trend. Mott broke the other upstairs toilet, but was much less concerned. After all, there were two left.
In the home, there are three tubs -- sometimes that simply wasn't enough for the spoiled bunch that moved in. The first clash happened between Victoria and Belle, as they both wanted to bathe.
Belle: I am family, and this is a family home. Get out.
Victoria: [eye roll] Fine by me. You clearly need it more than I do; I could smell you coming.
Belle: ...
Evening rolled around and it was exactly halfway between the beginning and the first elimination. Let's check in with our contestants -- gauge how everyone was doing at that point.
First, Mitch. Tired; he hadn't got to sleep in a bed the night prior, as Earnest wasn't keen to sleep with a pants-wetter. Otherwise, he was going strong.
Earnest himself was becoming closely acquainted with the neighbor. His arm is, ahem, shielded for a reason. The neighbors had been invited by me for a bit of food and a bit of swimming. That meant, to Earnest's delight, men in speedos and women in bikinis.
McDermott's resentment towards his wife began to grow slowly: a man could only take so much salad.
The head of the pack in terms of demeanor was easily Belle. Well-rested, well-feed, bathed -- in plenty good spirits.
Victoria seemed to be fighting...personal demons... (Broken toilets can be understandably upsetting, but such anguish...)
And in the back of the pack was Alfie. Exhausted from watching her brother and sister sleep, she'd been too far gone to properly bathe and feed herself.
Not to mention...well... Mitch was not there this time, but Belle was.
Belle had to wonder: was she being too hard on her ex-little-sister? Could this urinating in the dining room be a desperate cry for attention?
Belle: ...Nah. Get out of the way, Alfie. You disgust me.
My party did not seem to go well. Some neighbors were reluctant to chat --
And I had people passing out all over the place.
It was abysmal.
The only one who seemed to enjoy himself was Earnest, and that joy came more from doing the dishes than anything else. Belle was mortified that he would not allow "the help" to clean the mess.
I think perhaps none of the children realize, at this point, that there is no help and there would not be. Wilfred H. Smithjones requested that none interfere: no maids, no gardeners, no repairmen. No delivery boys.
Ahem. Anyhow, the party died a whimper of a death, and soon many residents retired to bed. Victoria was going to be one of them.
Was.
Victoria: ...I am too tired to deal with this. Are you serious, right now?
Earnest ignored her, and crawled into bed with his big brother.
Victoria: You cannot...be serious.
Unfortunately for her, Earnest was always serious -- and being the baby, he was always coddled. His older siblings let him have whatever he wanted; including her half of the bed. She retired to the couch downstairs.
She wasn't alone. Outcasts to the living room, it seemed.
Morning came 'round. Twenty-four hours to elimination.
Vicky, seeing the signs of strain in her relationship, decided to play the part of wife and cook breakfast for her husband.
Victoria: Where is the "make waffles" button? I want maple-flavored butter.
McDermott concluded that Vicky's attempts...did not go well.
Victoria: My marriage is doomed.
I awoke to the smells of burnt waffles and a broken toilet. The last broken toilet. Wilfred, you clever bastard. We were without a proper functioning bathroom; I had a very grave feeling.
As it was only one day until I had to throw someone out, I decided to talk with some of the children; just to get to know them better.
McDermott was first. I asked how he felt about the weather.
McDermott: Are you...hitting on me? Ew. I am not Earnest!
Perhaps a few bolts loose in this one.
But speaking of Earnest, I spoke to him next. We could hardly chat without someone interrupting -- even Belle stopped by on her way to sleep, just to say hi. It was abundantly clear that the household had a favorite.
Of course, it is quite hard to argue with their logic. That smile could start and end wars.
The most unanticipated thing happened: my conversation with Alfie was...enlightening.
Alfie: I want children. And a family. This house would be perfect for it.
I walked away wondering if she really had it in her to pull through; would she win the house for family and home?
I spoke to the others, and Victoria last. She is a different woman one-on-one. Much softer. Much kinder.
I cannot remember what it was we spoke about, but I assure you her conversation skills were boobs.
I mean, nice boobs.
I mean, nice.
...The next morning came: the morning of elimination.
I sat down with a cup of coffee and looked at the facts.
A producer's note, for the viewers: the following results were tallied from the residents' status bars (hunger, bladder, energy, social, hygiene, and fun) measuring their specific levels (thanks to the awesomemod).
At the head of the pack was Earnest. Perhaps unsurprising -- his strong connection to his older siblings gave him an edge sleep-wise. His spoiled tendencies grant him some leverage above the others.
Not too far behind him... McDermott. Have you heard the theory that dumber individuals are the easiest to please?
In the middle, Belle and Victoria. That left Alfie and Mitch in the far end.
Mitch: Oh...
It was close -- a mere 7 points of hunger divided the lines between them. In the end, the loser was...
Alfie. The first resident to be booted from the home. Goodbye, dear.
I woke her up gently, and she took the news...well...
Alfie: I'm not sad. I'm not!
She ran from the home without so much as a good-bye. I think, perhaps, she was lying. It was all very, very sad.
[Siiiiip].
The first round is complete. Three more days and another member of the home is gone. Who will it be next time?
Expect great things. Good day, everyone!
Chapter One | Chapter Two
The first elimination. Who will be kicked out for the first round?! Click in to find out.
The first day in the new house, the new residents seemed to have a difficult time with...a few things. Most specifically:
The restroom. We went nearly twelve hours without an incident in the home.
Then came dinner. It was our first meal together (as a family, as Wilfred H. Smithjones would have wanted it).
Things were tense as there had not been enough seating prepared (thank you, Earnest). Earnest managed to grab the last seat -- much to the dismay of Victoria. What's worse, Earnest sat next to Victoria's husband. I could feel her glare from my seat.
Victoria: Toilet trash baby brother. This means war.
In any case -- the restroom had been, so far, a bit of a problem. Then it became...a bigger problem.
Alfie was the first victim of poor life choices; food before the potty was never wise. This was especially difficult for her, as she'd been desperate for her siblings' approval since arriving on the lot. They would hardly acknowledge her existence -- and now...
They were undoubtedly disgusted. Sounds of, "Egh! Ew!" filled the room; no one would even meet Alfie's round green eyes as she looked around in horror.
Thankfully for her, there was one person there who knew what it meant to be an outsider. A vigilante of the pants-pottying -- a hero in his own right.
A freshly hair-trimmed Mitch stood up, looked straight at Alfie, and remained quite still. None of us knew what was happening until moments later, when a puddle appeared on the floor. Mitch poker-face piddled all over the dining room floor, and Alfie was not alone.
Mitch's boyfriend, Earnest, was unimpressed. McDermott was simply confused.
McDermott: Is this a thing we're doing now?! Are we peeing on the floor? Oh my god I don't know what to do!
Earnest: You're sleeping on a couch somewhere tonight. I just can't.
That night Earnest slept with his big sister -- his best friend. He and Belle were quite comfortable in the master suite, but little did they know...
There was someone nearby who wanted only to be part of their little circle of love. The couch was as close as she would get.
It's not quite as sweet as you might think it would be, as she woke up in the early morning and spent an hour or so staring at her siblings.
It was...uncomfortable.
Day two began with Mitch breaking the toilet. He feared, most of all, Earnest's continued scorn.
Day two continued the trend. Mott broke the other upstairs toilet, but was much less concerned. After all, there were two left.
In the home, there are three tubs -- sometimes that simply wasn't enough for the spoiled bunch that moved in. The first clash happened between Victoria and Belle, as they both wanted to bathe.
Belle: I am family, and this is a family home. Get out.
Victoria: [eye roll] Fine by me. You clearly need it more than I do; I could smell you coming.
Belle: ...
Evening rolled around and it was exactly halfway between the beginning and the first elimination. Let's check in with our contestants -- gauge how everyone was doing at that point.
First, Mitch. Tired; he hadn't got to sleep in a bed the night prior, as Earnest wasn't keen to sleep with a pants-wetter. Otherwise, he was going strong.
Earnest himself was becoming closely acquainted with the neighbor. His arm is, ahem, shielded for a reason. The neighbors had been invited by me for a bit of food and a bit of swimming. That meant, to Earnest's delight, men in speedos and women in bikinis.
McDermott's resentment towards his wife began to grow slowly: a man could only take so much salad.
The head of the pack in terms of demeanor was easily Belle. Well-rested, well-feed, bathed -- in plenty good spirits.
Victoria seemed to be fighting...personal demons... (Broken toilets can be understandably upsetting, but such anguish...)
And in the back of the pack was Alfie. Exhausted from watching her brother and sister sleep, she'd been too far gone to properly bathe and feed herself.
Not to mention...well... Mitch was not there this time, but Belle was.
Belle had to wonder: was she being too hard on her ex-little-sister? Could this urinating in the dining room be a desperate cry for attention?
Belle: ...Nah. Get out of the way, Alfie. You disgust me.
My party did not seem to go well. Some neighbors were reluctant to chat --
And I had people passing out all over the place.
It was abysmal.
The only one who seemed to enjoy himself was Earnest, and that joy came more from doing the dishes than anything else. Belle was mortified that he would not allow "the help" to clean the mess.
I think perhaps none of the children realize, at this point, that there is no help and there would not be. Wilfred H. Smithjones requested that none interfere: no maids, no gardeners, no repairmen. No delivery boys.
Ahem. Anyhow, the party died a whimper of a death, and soon many residents retired to bed. Victoria was going to be one of them.
Was.
Victoria: ...I am too tired to deal with this. Are you serious, right now?
Earnest ignored her, and crawled into bed with his big brother.
Victoria: You cannot...be serious.
Unfortunately for her, Earnest was always serious -- and being the baby, he was always coddled. His older siblings let him have whatever he wanted; including her half of the bed. She retired to the couch downstairs.
She wasn't alone. Outcasts to the living room, it seemed.
Morning came 'round. Twenty-four hours to elimination.
Vicky, seeing the signs of strain in her relationship, decided to play the part of wife and cook breakfast for her husband.
Victoria: Where is the "make waffles" button? I want maple-flavored butter.
McDermott concluded that Vicky's attempts...did not go well.
Victoria: My marriage is doomed.
I awoke to the smells of burnt waffles and a broken toilet. The last broken toilet. Wilfred, you clever bastard. We were without a proper functioning bathroom; I had a very grave feeling.
As it was only one day until I had to throw someone out, I decided to talk with some of the children; just to get to know them better.
McDermott was first. I asked how he felt about the weather.
McDermott: Are you...hitting on me? Ew. I am not Earnest!
Perhaps a few bolts loose in this one.
But speaking of Earnest, I spoke to him next. We could hardly chat without someone interrupting -- even Belle stopped by on her way to sleep, just to say hi. It was abundantly clear that the household had a favorite.
Of course, it is quite hard to argue with their logic. That smile could start and end wars.
The most unanticipated thing happened: my conversation with Alfie was...enlightening.
Alfie: I want children. And a family. This house would be perfect for it.
I walked away wondering if she really had it in her to pull through; would she win the house for family and home?
I spoke to the others, and Victoria last. She is a different woman one-on-one. Much softer. Much kinder.
I cannot remember what it was we spoke about, but I assure you her conversation skills were boobs.
I mean, nice boobs.
I mean, nice.
...The next morning came: the morning of elimination.
I sat down with a cup of coffee and looked at the facts.
A producer's note, for the viewers: the following results were tallied from the residents' status bars (hunger, bladder, energy, social, hygiene, and fun) measuring their specific levels (thanks to the awesomemod).
At the head of the pack was Earnest. Perhaps unsurprising -- his strong connection to his older siblings gave him an edge sleep-wise. His spoiled tendencies grant him some leverage above the others.
Not too far behind him... McDermott. Have you heard the theory that dumber individuals are the easiest to please?
In the middle, Belle and Victoria. That left Alfie and Mitch in the far end.
Mitch: Oh...
It was close -- a mere 7 points of hunger divided the lines between them. In the end, the loser was...
Alfie. The first resident to be booted from the home. Goodbye, dear.
I woke her up gently, and she took the news...well...
Alfie: I'm not sad. I'm not!
She ran from the home without so much as a good-bye. I think, perhaps, she was lying. It was all very, very sad.
[Siiiiip].
The first round is complete. Three more days and another member of the home is gone. Who will it be next time?
Expect great things. Good day, everyone!