good writing weather...
The rain is good writing weather. Perhaps because i say it is.
So there. Are your bushes on fire yet?
I am not to fall in love with this one. She said so. She is afraid that i will. Which is a fair call.
In some ways i suspect that i have, but then i've recently challenged my existing ideals of what love means and what constituent parts could be used a evidence to convict me of "reckless loving".
She's not looking for a "love" relationship - and she is also unable to define what that really is. She wants someone that she can go out with, do things with, share things with, have sex with and be able to do her own thing with. The last being an interesting concept and one that is not unfamiliar to me.
What it means is that you can do what it is you do, watch tv, computer, read etc etc, but at the same time have someone there to give you a break, or break you out of it, or you can shoot an idea at or whatever. I like having that.
She doesn't want someone who can validly (or perhaps in her mind through guilt or similar validly), make demands of her time. I think my only problem with that would be that i'd be afraid of losing her if i didn;t see her for a while. But that's because i have a hang-up about losing people - because i do. Otherwise, i'd be quite happy to leave her to her own devices, as like her, i have a lot that i do, and that i have committed to. Now while i could give these things up, the bottom line is that i'd rather a situation that i don't have to. Selfish perhaps, but not too selfish.
So i can't fall in love with her. The question is then, have i?
I imagine that most people confronted with this situation and this sort of 'offer', such as it is, would jump at the chance. That is, reasonably-free-from-attachment sex, which while at this point i cannot prove, i suspect would be really good sex too. I'll let you know - HA HA HA HA HA HA all your worst nightmares have come...
After some consideration of the times when i think i have or i have fallen in love, usually the end of it and the fallout and the accompanying misery, moping and sulking there exists a correlation between the length of the time that love is held and the length of time i'm depressed at it's failure.
Given that correlation, is it possible that i fall in love more frequently that i realise, and i just don't notice the down periods after falling in a short love? Do i, perhaps, fall in love a thousand times a day, and do those little heartbreaks fail to register in the intellectual brain, but do in the emotional one. Leaving me slightly more emotionally scarred without me being intellectually aware of it? Perhaps it's so small a scar that it's inconsequential, like the scar from a non-important football team losing to another. That is if you didn't really care.
She wants me to write something for her. In i guess what amounts to an artistic test of strength, or maybe even a competition, given that i've seen so much of her artwork - and perhaps seemed unable to get it.
I was thinking most of these things as i walked back in the rain, i like the rain. I also considered my failure to be entirely happy with the situation. I mean here's a girl who likes you, doesn't want to impinge on your time and pursuits, is annoyed at herself that she can't have sex with you right now because she's feeling a "bit miserable" because of her period, and you're bouncing this around in your head and not just taking it for what it currently is (and i say currently, because things may change and you are fucking aware of this but still whinging to yourself).
So what does this mean apart from the obvious "You think too much"? Probably nothing other than confirming that you are, as previously labelled, neurotic. :)
O, my lord,
When you went onward on this ended action,
I look'd upon her with a soldier's eye,
That liked, but had a rougher task in hand
Than to drive liking to the name of love:
Claudio, Much Ado about Nothing - 1.1.262-265
Why is it so difficult for me to think like this? Am i in denial that i do think like this? Is it that i am deluding myself (how do you "lude" anyone anyway?) that i don't? I have an image in my head as we all do, is my image of the courteous "knight" archtype still? Bloody hell.
It's pure fantasy to hold something like that up as something to aspire to. There's no place for that sort of thing in the modern world is there? Otherwise they'd still exist and not be as extinct as the dinosaurs.
Rambling now. Going to bed. Any firther notes will be hand written. Yay... fucking hell
So there. Are your bushes on fire yet?
I am not to fall in love with this one. She said so. She is afraid that i will. Which is a fair call.
In some ways i suspect that i have, but then i've recently challenged my existing ideals of what love means and what constituent parts could be used a evidence to convict me of "reckless loving".
She's not looking for a "love" relationship - and she is also unable to define what that really is. She wants someone that she can go out with, do things with, share things with, have sex with and be able to do her own thing with. The last being an interesting concept and one that is not unfamiliar to me.
What it means is that you can do what it is you do, watch tv, computer, read etc etc, but at the same time have someone there to give you a break, or break you out of it, or you can shoot an idea at or whatever. I like having that.
She doesn't want someone who can validly (or perhaps in her mind through guilt or similar validly), make demands of her time. I think my only problem with that would be that i'd be afraid of losing her if i didn;t see her for a while. But that's because i have a hang-up about losing people - because i do. Otherwise, i'd be quite happy to leave her to her own devices, as like her, i have a lot that i do, and that i have committed to. Now while i could give these things up, the bottom line is that i'd rather a situation that i don't have to. Selfish perhaps, but not too selfish.
So i can't fall in love with her. The question is then, have i?
I imagine that most people confronted with this situation and this sort of 'offer', such as it is, would jump at the chance. That is, reasonably-free-from-attachment sex, which while at this point i cannot prove, i suspect would be really good sex too. I'll let you know - HA HA HA HA HA HA all your worst nightmares have come...
After some consideration of the times when i think i have or i have fallen in love, usually the end of it and the fallout and the accompanying misery, moping and sulking there exists a correlation between the length of the time that love is held and the length of time i'm depressed at it's failure.
Given that correlation, is it possible that i fall in love more frequently that i realise, and i just don't notice the down periods after falling in a short love? Do i, perhaps, fall in love a thousand times a day, and do those little heartbreaks fail to register in the intellectual brain, but do in the emotional one. Leaving me slightly more emotionally scarred without me being intellectually aware of it? Perhaps it's so small a scar that it's inconsequential, like the scar from a non-important football team losing to another. That is if you didn't really care.
She wants me to write something for her. In i guess what amounts to an artistic test of strength, or maybe even a competition, given that i've seen so much of her artwork - and perhaps seemed unable to get it.
I was thinking most of these things as i walked back in the rain, i like the rain. I also considered my failure to be entirely happy with the situation. I mean here's a girl who likes you, doesn't want to impinge on your time and pursuits, is annoyed at herself that she can't have sex with you right now because she's feeling a "bit miserable" because of her period, and you're bouncing this around in your head and not just taking it for what it currently is (and i say currently, because things may change and you are fucking aware of this but still whinging to yourself).
So what does this mean apart from the obvious "You think too much"? Probably nothing other than confirming that you are, as previously labelled, neurotic. :)
O, my lord,
When you went onward on this ended action,
I look'd upon her with a soldier's eye,
That liked, but had a rougher task in hand
Than to drive liking to the name of love:
Claudio, Much Ado about Nothing - 1.1.262-265
Why is it so difficult for me to think like this? Am i in denial that i do think like this? Is it that i am deluding myself (how do you "lude" anyone anyway?) that i don't? I have an image in my head as we all do, is my image of the courteous "knight" archtype still? Bloody hell.
It's pure fantasy to hold something like that up as something to aspire to. There's no place for that sort of thing in the modern world is there? Otherwise they'd still exist and not be as extinct as the dinosaurs.
Rambling now. Going to bed. Any firther notes will be hand written. Yay... fucking hell