words by hand
After typing for an hour or so straight I went to bed but couldn’t stop - more handwritten notes.
I asked her point blank “Do you want me to be affectionate?”
“Yes, It’s just that the touching really makes me want to have sex, and I can’t now, ‘cause, you know. I do like it.”
Well that put my mind to rest at least.
We’re also both amazingly cautious of what we say to each other. Constantly quantifying and explaining ourselves, frequently getting into it so deeply that we lose track of the original point. We agree that we are both trying to get each other to like us. She doesn’t think that it applies so much to me, but it’s just that I hide that anxiety better.
“Do you not want me to fall in love with you? Or just anyone to fall in love with you?”
“oh god, anyone,” she says.
Look is it that complex for everyone? How the fuck does anyone ever have a relationship at all with all this crap to get in the way? Is it just me and the women I get involved with?
“I don’t want that responsibility,” she continues. “no it’s not just you.” She goes silent.
She thinks that we’ve talked too much, too soon, too fast. I’m confused, but I kind of get what she’s talking about. All this is the stuff of pillow talk, and it’s probably odd that we’ve covered ground like this without actually sleeping together.
I probably won’t see her this week, as she has a lot to do, as do I, which doesn’t really concern me until she brings it up. She want’s to come over next weekend and checked to see if I had cricket.
She’s concerned that I may not have any professional interest in her (ie as an animator), I tell her I do, which is true, now that Martin has fucked off to Queensland. Bastard.
I think she needs to have her art and artistic side validated, which could be a little difficult as I have already explained to her - I’m an art retard. Her artistic vocabulary is far more advanced than mine, which is an intellectual fact and devoid of judgement. See?! Even now I’m fucking clarifying what I say. Argh.
Even with the unusual nature of the relationship she desires, she said that she hard no thoughts about not being monogamous. After all she hasn’t got enough time for one ‘proper’ relationship, let alone time to devote to two of any other sort of relationship.
She changes a lot and as an actor would have a great range if she could harness it, tired and jaded adult, serious young woman, through to awkward teenager and even to giddy child at times. She scoffs at the idea of being an actor.
She’s very concerned at how I see her and is uncomfortable at the idea that I may see her as vulnerable. I tell her that we both start with assumptions about each other, and as time goes on they may change as we gain more information to reinforce or challenge those assumptions. She is content with that.
Next weekend will be interesting as she will be in a different frame of mind as her cycle won’t be bothering her. It will be interesting to note what if any changes there are. I suspect she will be very different. Her mother was unable to cope with having a child, I wonder if there is some correlation there.
“Do you want me?” She asked me yesterday, when we were so much closer physically. We were less so today as I was more aware of her state of being.
Do you want me? She asked, uncertainty in her eyes, seeds of doubt ready for planting aboard the “fear-of-rejection” tractor. I don’t know if that metaphor makes sense but it’s past 3 a.m. and my brain is imperfect when I haven’t been stoning (haven’t been stoning??? 20030316) and hanging out with complex women.
Do you want me? How do you sufficiently answer in the affirmative, when you can’t take her into you arms and prove it?
Do you want me? Fucking hell.
Our dialogue is simply brilliant. Mamet would kill for this stuff.
Her birthday is on the 18th, must go an find something from her.
I asked her point blank “Do you want me to be affectionate?”
“Yes, It’s just that the touching really makes me want to have sex, and I can’t now, ‘cause, you know. I do like it.”
Well that put my mind to rest at least.
We’re also both amazingly cautious of what we say to each other. Constantly quantifying and explaining ourselves, frequently getting into it so deeply that we lose track of the original point. We agree that we are both trying to get each other to like us. She doesn’t think that it applies so much to me, but it’s just that I hide that anxiety better.
“Do you not want me to fall in love with you? Or just anyone to fall in love with you?”
“oh god, anyone,” she says.
Look is it that complex for everyone? How the fuck does anyone ever have a relationship at all with all this crap to get in the way? Is it just me and the women I get involved with?
“I don’t want that responsibility,” she continues. “no it’s not just you.” She goes silent.
She thinks that we’ve talked too much, too soon, too fast. I’m confused, but I kind of get what she’s talking about. All this is the stuff of pillow talk, and it’s probably odd that we’ve covered ground like this without actually sleeping together.
I probably won’t see her this week, as she has a lot to do, as do I, which doesn’t really concern me until she brings it up. She want’s to come over next weekend and checked to see if I had cricket.
She’s concerned that I may not have any professional interest in her (ie as an animator), I tell her I do, which is true, now that Martin has fucked off to Queensland. Bastard.
I think she needs to have her art and artistic side validated, which could be a little difficult as I have already explained to her - I’m an art retard. Her artistic vocabulary is far more advanced than mine, which is an intellectual fact and devoid of judgement. See?! Even now I’m fucking clarifying what I say. Argh.
Even with the unusual nature of the relationship she desires, she said that she hard no thoughts about not being monogamous. After all she hasn’t got enough time for one ‘proper’ relationship, let alone time to devote to two of any other sort of relationship.
She changes a lot and as an actor would have a great range if she could harness it, tired and jaded adult, serious young woman, through to awkward teenager and even to giddy child at times. She scoffs at the idea of being an actor.
She’s very concerned at how I see her and is uncomfortable at the idea that I may see her as vulnerable. I tell her that we both start with assumptions about each other, and as time goes on they may change as we gain more information to reinforce or challenge those assumptions. She is content with that.
Next weekend will be interesting as she will be in a different frame of mind as her cycle won’t be bothering her. It will be interesting to note what if any changes there are. I suspect she will be very different. Her mother was unable to cope with having a child, I wonder if there is some correlation there.
“Do you want me?” She asked me yesterday, when we were so much closer physically. We were less so today as I was more aware of her state of being.
Do you want me? She asked, uncertainty in her eyes, seeds of doubt ready for planting aboard the “fear-of-rejection” tractor. I don’t know if that metaphor makes sense but it’s past 3 a.m. and my brain is imperfect when I haven’t been stoning (haven’t been stoning??? 20030316) and hanging out with complex women.
Do you want me? How do you sufficiently answer in the affirmative, when you can’t take her into you arms and prove it?
Do you want me? Fucking hell.
Our dialogue is simply brilliant. Mamet would kill for this stuff.
Her birthday is on the 18th, must go an find something from her.