ideas
i am just about out of ideas and out of willpower. the the window for me to freely leave this place is coming, and it is probably time for me to defenestrate.
I don't really like it here, although the people have been so good to me. That is probably why i stayed so long. I am barely surviving here, and my brain has turned to mush, which is why i have written so little of late. I wonder if my spirit has been broken too. Too much chasing about after money to stay alive and functional. To be able to have a couple of beers once a week, or go out on one of the few nights i am not working.
I hurt all over, but it's nothing that i seem to be able to do anything about. It does not appear to be physical, but there is a bone weariness inside me, and i feel like i am crushing under my own weight.
Leaving here will not be easy. Leaving is not something i am looking forward to. I want to be somewhere else, but i don't want to leave. I don't know what i want.
There is a last throw of the dice, which may or may not work and might just see me staying on. For what reason, i do not know. So i can keep my sucky and boring doorman jobs in one of the bar districts, and so that i can keep hauling computers around for pay that arrives so infrequenty (but does arrive)? I don't know why i am here, and more importantly i don't know where i want to be.
My plan to crawl my way up the east coast is probably not going to happen, because i simply cannot afford it. As much as i would like to see more of the country, i don't think i can afford to pay for somewhere to sleep at night, and food, and transport.
I am however going to resolve this. I will find some money for MY beer, and some smoko and will enjoy them BY MYSELF IF I HAVE TO on Sunday. I AM TIRED OF THIS EXISTENCE AND WILL DO MY BEST TO FORGET IT FOR A WHILE.
Where will i be in one months time? Your guess is as good as mine.
I don't really like it here, although the people have been so good to me. That is probably why i stayed so long. I am barely surviving here, and my brain has turned to mush, which is why i have written so little of late. I wonder if my spirit has been broken too. Too much chasing about after money to stay alive and functional. To be able to have a couple of beers once a week, or go out on one of the few nights i am not working.
I hurt all over, but it's nothing that i seem to be able to do anything about. It does not appear to be physical, but there is a bone weariness inside me, and i feel like i am crushing under my own weight.
Leaving here will not be easy. Leaving is not something i am looking forward to. I want to be somewhere else, but i don't want to leave. I don't know what i want.
There is a last throw of the dice, which may or may not work and might just see me staying on. For what reason, i do not know. So i can keep my sucky and boring doorman jobs in one of the bar districts, and so that i can keep hauling computers around for pay that arrives so infrequenty (but does arrive)? I don't know why i am here, and more importantly i don't know where i want to be.
My plan to crawl my way up the east coast is probably not going to happen, because i simply cannot afford it. As much as i would like to see more of the country, i don't think i can afford to pay for somewhere to sleep at night, and food, and transport.
I am however going to resolve this. I will find some money for MY beer, and some smoko and will enjoy them BY MYSELF IF I HAVE TO on Sunday. I AM TIRED OF THIS EXISTENCE AND WILL DO MY BEST TO FORGET IT FOR A WHILE.
Where will i be in one months time? Your guess is as good as mine.