All that i have for you is worth nothing, when nothing is what you have left for me
it's been a fairly long weekend as far as things go. lots has happened and i'll put down the details of events later, when i haven't got anything emotional to write. I want to try to capture my emotions as they happen. i need to remember these things. they are important.
She's gone. Well, actually she booted me, so she hasn't really gone anywhere. She desired someone else, and stopped desiring me is the upshot of what she said. the consequence of that is that now she's decided that she will look to the future, and can't see a point in continuing.
She feels that the magical love which i believe in, which she said was crap, does exist now, and that by staying with me meant that it spoils the possibility of that coming to her. So much for impulse and living in the moment. She lies.
i miss Zoe. I wonder what happened to her. I could write to her, because she was far enough from me to not be a complexity and could be someone to talk to or mail.
This is taking a long time to write because i'm ordering mp3s on my playlist.
The cricket is on, and Bichel just got Brian Lara for the seventh time, and the West Indies are looking a bit shaky.
It's thundering down outside.
I'm hurt. I think so.
I'm tired. And i kinda want to sleep, but at the same time i don't. I'm probably drunk.
I guess how do you deal with that? Knowing that you are no longer are the one someone wants or loves.
It's frustrating that so much of what she was adamant about her denial about at the start, are the things that came back to end my time with her.
My time with her is over. I won't be making this mistake again. She won't be using me, she won't be getting extra levels of favour from me. No. No more. She's brought this on herself by being wrong. So wrong. For fighting me on these things that i said were important, and then treasuring them so strongly and shielding herself with them when they are used against me.
I'd like to think that i am happy that she has learnt a lot from me, i've woken her up in a lot of ways, but i don't think i am. I know i am not happy at this point, and that i may well not be in the future. I'll bounce back, probably tomorrow, because i do, but is that fair? Why don't i just quit like Cam has, why don't i just give up? Why don't i sink into my bitterness like State? Why do i keep fucking fighting it? Why do i bother?
Because i still believe, and it seems that my faith is unshakable. I'm a romantic fundamentalist. Scary.
Butterfly always makes me want to cry, ever since i first heard it in Higher Learning. Stupid song.
She's gone. Well, actually she booted me, so she hasn't really gone anywhere. She desired someone else, and stopped desiring me is the upshot of what she said. the consequence of that is that now she's decided that she will look to the future, and can't see a point in continuing.
She feels that the magical love which i believe in, which she said was crap, does exist now, and that by staying with me meant that it spoils the possibility of that coming to her. So much for impulse and living in the moment. She lies.
i miss Zoe. I wonder what happened to her. I could write to her, because she was far enough from me to not be a complexity and could be someone to talk to or mail.
This is taking a long time to write because i'm ordering mp3s on my playlist.
The cricket is on, and Bichel just got Brian Lara for the seventh time, and the West Indies are looking a bit shaky.
It's thundering down outside.
I'm hurt. I think so.
I'm tired. And i kinda want to sleep, but at the same time i don't. I'm probably drunk.
I guess how do you deal with that? Knowing that you are no longer are the one someone wants or loves.
It's frustrating that so much of what she was adamant about her denial about at the start, are the things that came back to end my time with her.
My time with her is over. I won't be making this mistake again. She won't be using me, she won't be getting extra levels of favour from me. No. No more. She's brought this on herself by being wrong. So wrong. For fighting me on these things that i said were important, and then treasuring them so strongly and shielding herself with them when they are used against me.
I'd like to think that i am happy that she has learnt a lot from me, i've woken her up in a lot of ways, but i don't think i am. I know i am not happy at this point, and that i may well not be in the future. I'll bounce back, probably tomorrow, because i do, but is that fair? Why don't i just quit like Cam has, why don't i just give up? Why don't i sink into my bitterness like State? Why do i keep fucking fighting it? Why do i bother?
Because i still believe, and it seems that my faith is unshakable. I'm a romantic fundamentalist. Scary.
Butterfly always makes me want to cry, ever since i first heard it in Higher Learning. Stupid song.