(no subject)
every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end
So as all of you now know, David- Michael broke up with me. What you might not know is that I'm surprisingly ok with it. Like 100%, amazingly fine. When he told me I just said, "Ok. I understand." That was it. At first I thought I was just in shock, but a few hours later when I was still ok with it and hadn't even cried I knew it was because it really was ok. I had actually thought about breaking it off with him, and he just kinda beat me to it. Yeah there's a story behind that and it's kinda long so consider yourself warned. First of all you have to keep in mind that he had an ex gf who liked to leave messages on his facebook and myspace that said, "I love you." Well, I was never totally comfortable with that. He told me that it was nothing that she just meant it as friends. Well, no matter how she meant it, it bothered me. So after so much of it, I was considering breaking up with him because if it was nothing he deserved to find a girl who was ok with it and that so obviously was not me. Plus I deserve someone who will care that something bothers me and try to help me feel more comfortable about things. I hope if he and his ex do get back together (which they always seem to do, they've been off and on for 6 years now) that things work out better for them this time around.
Now comes the other reason I'm ok with it all. I doubt very many of you know or remember but in 2008 I was dating a guy named Josh. He's a former Marine turned Army medic. I was crazy about him, and he spent 2 weeks of leave before he deployed here in Indiana with me. Things were great until he went back to Germany after his leave. He went back and I just never heard from him again. Like 3 months after he went back to Germany I got the first phone call from him. (Yeah, not even a call or an email to tell me he had made it back to Germany from leave.) He was calling to tell me he was in Iraq. I heard from him a few more times, but it was random.
For about a year now though, he's been asking for a second chance. For the past 6 months or so we've been talking every day. I kept telling him I couldn't give him a second chance because I didn't know why he ended things like he did the first time. I mean how could I give him a second chance when I didn't know what I did to lose him the first time? How could I keep it from happening again if I didn't know what caused it? He would just tell me it wasn't my fault, or that he didn't want to talk about it. He would never give me a reason though. Well, recently I got my answer. He told me he broke up with me because he saw me crying when he left go back to Germany, and he saw how much that hurt me. That made him worry about what would happen to me while he was in Iraq. When he was in the Marines he watched 3 of his friends get killed on a mission and there wasn't anything he could do to help them. So it was a very real fear for him that he might not make it back from Iraq. He worried about what would happen to me and how much it would hurt me if something happened to him. He told me he thought if he just broke up with me then I would move on, find someone else, and be happy. He never stopped to think about how much us breaking up would hurt me... or him.
Well, as soon as he told me that all I could think was, "It's a lot better in a Nicholas Sparks book than it is in real life." But I also understand what he was trying to do, and I know in my heart he thought he was doing what was best. He's so different now. He's sweet. He remembers stuff I said two years ago! lol I was like, "Omg you really do pay attention to me when I ramble!" I told him he's going to have to prove to me that things aren't going to be like they were before and he basically told me to just tell him what to do and he will do it. He said after he lost me he had to learn to live without his heart and he doesn't want to ever do that again.
I won't lie, even while I was with David-Michael the thought kept entering my mind to leave him and give Josh a second chance. I'm not sure if that makes me sound horrible or just human. Either way I think given enough time Josh and I will have our second chance. I also believe that it will be much better this time around. I think we've both changed and grown for the better as people. I also think that we've really learned to open up and be honest with each other. Like he now knows I would rather risk losing him on a deployment than just have him walk out of my life. I pray neither one happens, but I'm willing to risk deployments to have him in the long run.
I know the time isn't right to start anything new with Josh, and he knows that I feel like that. He's ok with it and has agreed to wait as long as it takes for me to be ready. Until then we're going to take things slow, enjoy being friends, and be happy in knowing we're a part of each other's lives again. I cannot say how insanely happy it's made me. I've missed him so much, and to finally know why he did what he did has not only given me some closure, but it's helped me to realize that I really do want a second chance with him. Here's to endings becoming fresh starts.