(no subject)

[smileycrayons]

I still have so much to learn
I still have so much to be
I still have so much to give
I have been
drowing in the darkness
furious
screaming in my mind
years upon years.
But it was I
who chose to
close my eyes.
But I can choose
to open them
And wake up
and stop tourting myself
for not being enough
Stop haunting myself
by reliving every memory
It has been
a long-running nightmare
every moment
living inside of my world.
Protecting myself from what?
Punishing myself for what?
Supressing myself for who?
Living is unbearable
I don't deserve
I'm not even here
These days are just a dream
Nothing is real
I made myself a hell
I took the color away
I repeated these thoughts
and wondered
why I was suffering so much.
This is the life
that I have created
This is the self
that I have created.
I knew this.
I have known this
and said essentially this
for years.
Saying I would change
and on the surface
appearing to come so far
but just sinking deeper.
But
I still have so much to learn
I still have so much to be
I still have so much to give
So I will find a way.
Somehow.