(no subject)
Oh. MY. GOODNESS!!
i have officially graduated from the constantly puking pregnant woman to the constantly weeping and occasionally screaming one! i feel like i should lock myself away from the world for a little while until these hormones even themselves out. i don't even need to be around my cats because their stuck-up antics draw the tears and feelings of rejection and isolation! aaaah!!!
seriously?! it is driving me crazy because internally i KNOW that i am being irrational and silly and beyond rational reasoning.
b and i went to a little social gathering last night. to be fair, this is b's group of friends. i'm friendly with them, and i know them some, and i'm comfortable around the core group of them, but i don't know their "group." i was apprehensive about going because my perception of the gathering was that it would be mostly guys in their early 20's, very few of whom with kids, all drinking to excess, most smoking, and some random games and story telling. of course there'd be a few random girls there, most of whom would be girlfriends. nothing wrong with this crowd, except for the fact that they are in COMPLETELY different stages of life than we are and i fear that i'd have nothing in common with any of them.
and guess what? basically i was the old, sober, wife in the corner. i put on a smile, stood directly in front of a fan to avoid second-hand smoke, and plastered on a smile and tried to mingle a little. b kept asking me if i needed to go, mentioning that we could go, but it was obvious he was comfortable. so i really did give it the old college try. i told a few stories myself, laughed a little bit, and froze my ass off. lol.
b seemed kinda cranky when we got home, but in hindsight i realize i was being overly sensitive. i felt out of place, awkward and OLD. i felt like i was a dead weight to the party and especially to my husband. i assumed he would have rather stayed, and my suspicions got the best of me.
this is where the CRAZY takes over, and i really don't know the me that came out last night or all day today. let's just say the day ended with me weeping, confessing my vulnerability and the need to be reassured and comforted. of course i couldn't stand the smell of rum on b's breath, so i couldn't be close to him anyway.
and this lead to the spiraling feeling of isolation in pregnancy, blah blah blah
today was a repeat of much of the same. oh, but add to that string of expletives being screamed at the top of my lungs and collapsing into a heap of sobs and tears, and you'll get the craziness that has been my world.
this is NOT me. i do NOT do these things. i am sane and peaceful and pretty mild in demeanor. i'm easy going and not really demanding as a general rule. right now i am NOT and i'm not sure how to get back to some semblance of normal.
i have officially graduated from the constantly puking pregnant woman to the constantly weeping and occasionally screaming one! i feel like i should lock myself away from the world for a little while until these hormones even themselves out. i don't even need to be around my cats because their stuck-up antics draw the tears and feelings of rejection and isolation! aaaah!!!
seriously?! it is driving me crazy because internally i KNOW that i am being irrational and silly and beyond rational reasoning.
b and i went to a little social gathering last night. to be fair, this is b's group of friends. i'm friendly with them, and i know them some, and i'm comfortable around the core group of them, but i don't know their "group." i was apprehensive about going because my perception of the gathering was that it would be mostly guys in their early 20's, very few of whom with kids, all drinking to excess, most smoking, and some random games and story telling. of course there'd be a few random girls there, most of whom would be girlfriends. nothing wrong with this crowd, except for the fact that they are in COMPLETELY different stages of life than we are and i fear that i'd have nothing in common with any of them.
and guess what? basically i was the old, sober, wife in the corner. i put on a smile, stood directly in front of a fan to avoid second-hand smoke, and plastered on a smile and tried to mingle a little. b kept asking me if i needed to go, mentioning that we could go, but it was obvious he was comfortable. so i really did give it the old college try. i told a few stories myself, laughed a little bit, and froze my ass off. lol.
b seemed kinda cranky when we got home, but in hindsight i realize i was being overly sensitive. i felt out of place, awkward and OLD. i felt like i was a dead weight to the party and especially to my husband. i assumed he would have rather stayed, and my suspicions got the best of me.
this is where the CRAZY takes over, and i really don't know the me that came out last night or all day today. let's just say the day ended with me weeping, confessing my vulnerability and the need to be reassured and comforted. of course i couldn't stand the smell of rum on b's breath, so i couldn't be close to him anyway.
and this lead to the spiraling feeling of isolation in pregnancy, blah blah blah
today was a repeat of much of the same. oh, but add to that string of expletives being screamed at the top of my lungs and collapsing into a heap of sobs and tears, and you'll get the craziness that has been my world.
this is NOT me. i do NOT do these things. i am sane and peaceful and pretty mild in demeanor. i'm easy going and not really demanding as a general rule. right now i am NOT and i'm not sure how to get back to some semblance of normal.