(no subject)

Oct 01, 2005 23:31

Does anyone ever feel like they just aren’t good enough? That no matter what you do, or how hard you try, that person, or thing you want to impress will never be happy. To you guys, it could be someone you’re dating or someone you like, a friend maybe? A mom or a dad…but for me, its my entire family. If you know me well enough, or know me at all, you’re definitely aware of the love I have for them and how much they mean to me. But lately, after all that they put me through, all I want to do is give up. All my life I’ve tried and tried and tried for my family. I do everything they ask, and oblige by all their rules, but I feel like in the end, I’ve received no incentive for my hard work (the incentive in this case, is their satisfaction). I’m so tired of crying so much because of them, I’m so tired of having them tell me, how much I need to improve when I’m the best I could be. I love my family to death, and I hate seeing them unhappy with me. Having my brother look at me with disappointment and shaking his head is like a knife to the heart, because I care about what they think so much.

A couple weeks ago, they found my myspace, and flipped. They didn’t like the fact that I had pictures of myself online, and that it was exposed to the public. This weekend, my brother had someone come and block the myspace site, and created a password for the “owner” log on. Now every time I turn on my computer, I have to log on as a guest…ON MY COMPUTER. He says its for my protection, so I don’t download anything, but come on, what am I going to download? PORN? It just hurts so much to know that in order for my family to feel safe and secure about me, they have to do that sort of thing. Am I that bad of a person for them to not have that kind of trust in me? I wish they would realize that if I wanted to be a bad person, I could. If I wanted to do drugs, have sex, and party all the time, I could. But I choose not to, for me and for them. I choose to do well in school, and have morals. I choose to take care of my 6 nieces and nephews everyday when I come home from school, spending hours of my time to tutor them, I choose to be a good person and yet they think I’m so horrible.

I wish they would compare me to all the kids at school and I promise you, 95% of them get to do things I’m not allowed to do and some of them ARE good kids. I wish they could see that I’m a good kid, that I’m not stupid, and that I love them. But it seems like its hopeless. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many things I give up, sacrifices I make, tears I cry, they’ll never be happy with me. The 8 hours of my life at school, is the only time that I’m happy, because I come home to a house of growing expectations that I’ll never be able to accomplish. I don’t know what to do. Do I go bad? Go out whenever I want? And screw what they say? Or do I live with it, and continue to cry and be miserable. I feel like I have no one to help me with all this because no one really can, besides me and my family. I always had Whitt, but now, things are different. I feel like it to the point where my family drama is old news to him, and that he’s somewhat sick of it, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just over reacting. And maybe more people go through what I go through than I think. I don’t know. Do you ever feel like giving up? Like this dream you have is never gonna come true, and yet u continue to try?

<3
a hopeless little girl
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