i wrote this last week...in like 20 mins.. so grammer, spelling alla that might be all wrong lol... but i didnt wanna go back n change anything...i wanted to keep it REAAAAAAAAAL! lol...imma dork.... so HERE U ALL GO!
hey guys.
its been forever since ive written in this thing, months i think. welp, summer was great, the best ive ever had. i enjoyed my time so much in canada and especially in california. my cousins and i partied, i was living with my sister Cathy, the ONLY member in the family that i talk to,and who actually understands me, i had freedom, i met so many great ppl, saw hott guys some of which were asian! i never thought that possible lol...shit florida and everyone in it was the LAST thing on my mind. but my summer in california was coming to an end, and my flight home was the next week, i was sooo dreading it. i had this whole new life and i didnt wanna go home! nor did i have to. my sister told me that i could stay with her there in california. cause she finally finished grad school and now a highly paid phamacist, she could actually afford me living with her. i was soo happy to hear that. ive wanted that ever since my parents and i moved to florida. i missed her so much and all i wanted was to go back and live with my sister. so heres my chance now right? wtf.. hell yes! lol...i mean come on? i thought about it. what the hell do i have left there in florida? who do i have? what would i be leaving?
my friends? pshh no. i hardly talked to any of them this summer. i was too busy having fun over in cali to call anyone or even return any phone calls. ugg..i crave fun so much that it makes me become such a selfish person...ionno..all my friends just eventually stopped calling and i didnt even pay attention or realize till a week b4 i was coming back. i realized that i hadnt kept contact with anyone.but everything changing and me being distant from my friends didnt start this summer. sheesh now that i think about it. i stopped talking to a lot of my friends waay before that. i realize how i had lost so many of my friends around the end of the year. how come all the people that i was once sooo close to, are people who no longer have any relation to my life and are people who i havent typed or said a word to in months. what the hell happened? why are all the people who ALWAYS called whether they had a problem or just wanted to say hi gone? how did everything turn out this way? how come i didnt do jack diddley squat about it? and woah, why didnt i realize how distant ive become from everyone till now? lol i thought about it and remembered what a really good but now lost friend said to me about a month before school ended: "whats wrong with you? youve changed so much just because of him.you dont even fucking see or hear what others have to say. its always what hes doing. and what hes thinking. what about the rest of us. we care too? pretty soon youll push everyone away andrea. but now youre so damn sprung and you dont even fucking see it." at the time when she said it, i was just like whatever, you dont understand what im going through, but now that i think about it, shes right. a lot of things did change because i was boy crazy. i was so caught up in "his" shit that i didnt let anything else matter. i was so sprung, so into this fantasy full of bullshit that i never listened to what others had to say. that i didnt bother keeping my other friendships healthy. and when people like ada n lee try to tell me that i was changing, i was so into "his" input and not anyone elses that i didnt listen. and now... the people who were closest are now so far away. even though now im ready to go back, cause now im over the kid...and now i have no boys to occupy my mind, its kinda too late. i was too busy partying in cali, instead of trying to get close to everyone again...*sigh* so why go back right? i have nothing left.
my two closest friends ada and lee are so pissed at me. they were pissed way back when there was still school. but i didnt care, i didnt bother to make it better because i had to figure out things with "him" first. my mindset on that was so wrong. i screwed that up so much, hah no phone calls from Asian Pride this summer. none at all. AP? AP my ass. i dont have them anymore....
and sam? havent heard a word from her. we talk, shes not mad at me or anything but were nothing like how we used to be. i pushed her away and she doesnt even tell me half the things she used to. it was always guy this and guy that with me, she got so sick of me talking about guy issues and crying over nothing all the time that i can tell she stopped caring. faty, sheeba, and the rest of my lovely black clan lol.. i havent talked to them either. everytime faty tried to tell me that i was waaay too caught up, i just got mad and ignored her. i realized how bad everything got...
i used to talk to sanjaya and triet and vinh and so many others so much. on the phone, online, or watever but wow, no words exchanged between any of them either. i just stopped IMing them, and eventually they stopped IMing me. i was so busy IMing people who could help me with my guy problems and so much STUPID shit now that i think about it. god, when did i stop watching family guy wth sanjaya every night and talk on the phone with him for like hours afterwards? ahh i remember, when i was too busy talking on the phone with my boyfriend or others who i would call and ask guy advice from. when did i stop watching the OC every thursday with faty. when did i stop going online to actually talk to my friends and not because i wanted find out what a guys doing, or wait for him to IM me or in some way shape or form had to do with a guy! holy shit, i was so boy crazy. when did i stop playing football with the neighborhood guys? oh oh, when i was too sad and pathetic at home thinking of ways to make "him" jealous or make "him" think of me. or too busy on the phone moping over everything. busy being confused and asking for help. i thought all of this and thought of how stupid was. i missed everyone and every friendship i screwed up. i had nothing left. i should have fixed everything sooner but i had too much fun during my vacation to even think about all the screw ups. its too late. so why would i go back?...
i dont even have my best friend there to talk me out of moving and convince me to come home. hah whitt? someone who was once my best friend..were no where near that. i screwed up so bad with him and theres really nothing i can do about it. he doesnt really want much to do with me.
love? hah nope. i dont have a boyfriend or a lover or anything of that form to bring me home to florida. no feelings for anyone back there. my fun here in california washed away any feelings i had left for harrison. him never calling helped and no communication between the two of us had him off my mind. it finally hit me how pathetic i was being. i realize that everything that i thought i knew was...wrong. he didnt care, he never did. and when ppl like sanjaya try to tell me how big of a dumb fool i was being, that the guy felt not even half of what i felt i just got pissed and pushed them away. but this summer was kinda like a smack in the face. he really doesnt care. and that got him off my mind....i just forgot and i finally let friends make me happy. i let them make me laugh and cry. i had so much fun with my made friends! i was happy because of friends and not because of something like a boy called. i realized how important friends were. but what important friends do i have left?.. none....
and my family? god...i hate living with them so much in florida its not even funny. i didnt want to go back. i felt like i had nothing left in florida. i felt like everything was waaay too screwed up to fix. i met new friends in california anyways. i can start over just as fast. i was living with my sister, a dreaammmm! she lets me date, go out, party. something my family in florida would never allow. i had a job! lol.. yeah me a job. its awesome. i felt like the decision was already made. i loved my new life in california and i wasnt going back to a place were i had nothing...
my amazing AP girls
Lee- im so sorry.
im sorry that i dont show you enough appreciation.
im sorry that when i came over, all i worried about was seeing daniel and i didnt even bother to show u the attantion that you deserved.
im sorry for taking advantage of you.
im sorry i can never return the favor for all that youve done
i love you with all my heart and i appreciate you so much for everything that youve done for me
for driving me home when u didnt have ur liscense
for covering for me when my dad came over and i was at harrisons
for giving me advice
for being there even when u were angry with me
im sorry that boys get me so crazy and that i have a tendancy to put them before my friends
ill try with all my heart to never let boys get in the way again
Ada- i know that you are still very angry with me. and i wanna let you know that it really helped me a lot when you gave me a hug on the last day of school. cause i know how pissed you were/are.
im sorry for being so flirtacious after the break up, for acting extra slutish, just because i didnt have a boyfriend anymore and i felt like i had to get back at him or something
im sorry that i got all attention wanting after the breakup too
im sorry that i even THOUGHT about getting back with him and being such a fool
i know you hate it when i get all boy crazy, and i know weve had so many talks on how boys should never be first.
im sorry that i put him first.
im sorry that i was so stupid.
im sorry that i didnt think of how you and lee felt.
im sorry that i never tried to figure out our issues because i was too caught up with harrison
im sorry that i change so much when it comes to boys
i know your mad, but i really miss calling you at night and having us talk about retarded things
i miss us being dorks and weird, okie i miss me being weird and u looking at me like im crazy
please forgive me ada. you mean so much to me, you dont even know.you and lee are the only girls that were there for me. i dont care if i sound pathetic anymore. i miss you two way too much to care. im sorry. you guys dont have to worry about me being into any boy and being all boy crazy right now but i cant promise that the next time a boy rolls along in my life that i wont change. i can promise that ill try my hardest not to though.
my vagina clan
i miss u girls! lol..
im sorry that i got so serious! eww!
im sorry that i stopped going crazy with you guys in inquiry skills
im sorry that i skipped out on sex and vagina talks at lunch just so i can listen to my music and be all sad (GAY!) or to do my hw lol
im sorry i got so conservative when i had a boyfriend and even after
im sorry that i got so BORRRRRING lol
dorna! i love u! and im sorry that im not a big of a freak as i used to be
sam! i miss us! i miss being the first one u call when theres a problem. im sorry for being too busy and to occupied with boys that i let us change. i wish we can be as close as we were. cause i miss you!
everyone else!..what time is it? VAGINA TIME! lol love u guys=)
my guy friends
triet, my yellow brother. ionno what happened. i miss us having crazy ass convos and me being a dork online. y did we stop IMing eachother! i miss ur funnie ass self! and hopefully our plans are still set for my birthday! lol AUGUST 6TH PEOPLE! hint hint! wink wink!
vinh! my cyber sex partner! lol.. i still cant believe my brother thought we were having cyber sex lmao. i miss talking to u too! dont be a stranger
joe MAMA! i used to tell you EVERYTHING!...and im sorry i didnt listen when you told me i was changing. im sorry i kinda just blew u off when u said that i was different. you were right and ill know now to listen to you more often. i love you!
sanjaya! wtf! family guy?!!!!! Pea TeAr GriffiN! hahah remember that? *TeaR* i used to lmao with you! and our ESP? i still havent met any other person who have our ESP connection lol. i hope everythings going well with jackie=)imiss you man! youre a great listener
theres so many more of you..daniel, steven, danny, holden, ben, and a whole lot more.. but i think ive mentioned enough. i miss you guys. yall are the ppl who make my life extra cool and funnie! im sorry ive been so distant. im pretty sure u all are doing fine without me but i guess im not doing okie without you all! miss you guys! and sorry for letting things change=(
whitt- though us drifting had nothing to do with another guy, i still wanna apologize. god, i miss us being how we used to be soooooooooooooo bad and ive tried to talk to you. its just not the same. i think ur scared to get close to this emo freak again =) i miss you though. the most of everyone when i really think about it. my best times were with ya. i still havent met anyone else who i can be whoever i want around. i miss being able to be crazy, or stupid, or retarded, or ugly yet still feel the best ive ever felt because you still treated me normally. you were my best friend whitt. like no other. u know, im somewhat glad that everything happened between harrison and i, because.... i got over you! i can say, WHITT YOUR HOTT! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! and not feel one bit weird or awkward. u see? i love this. lol.. anyhoo, back to seriousness. im sorry for being so emo lol and for screwing everything up. no more blabble, im done. other wise youll call me a chickenheaded blore who likes blenises and then youll tell me to buy a fucking vowel.lmfao.. damn i miss our funny ass inside jokes
my black clan
id have a dedication thing to faty and sheeba and them but well theyre black and u know. lol faty doesnt have the internet and sheebas computer doesnt turn on (its there for display). i dont want any complications for the rest of em ;) I'M JUST KIDDING. i love yall soo much. sorry for going boy nuts and turning white. once you go white, u...hmm nvm. lol
i love u guys so much! im sorry! i cant leave everyone though. i love california. i love the people ive met here, but im not leaving you awesome ppl. sorry again to everyone. my freshman year was the best year of my life because of you all. ill c u guys when school starts! or give me a call so we can spend whats left of summer together?
♥ me