(no subject)
I am considerably unhappy.
Maybe it's boredom. I don't know.
I believe I'm moving out. And it has nothing to do with my roommates...I love them.
It's me. I so desperately need my own space.
I'm unhappy in my relationship. Things start out always wonderfully. But that flame is dying out, so it appears. I don't mean to be cliche. But really. He's never bought me flowers. Ever. He never tries to be romantic. I don't ask for romance constantly. But every once in a while...it's nice to feel like I am special, loved. But I don't. I feel used. Why do all good things have to come to an end. I don't want to end it. So I'm giving it more time. Because we love each other.
Which is funny. Jonny, long lost Jonny, called me last night. After not talking for months, he finally called me. To apologize. To tell me what is going on in his life. He has a girlfriend, or did...I'm not sure at the moment. He said they broke up last night but then he stopped texting so who knows. And we were talking, and I asked him why he loved her. He says he loves her. But why? He said he tries to convince himself that things are different than they are. I told him I know what he means.
I'm not sure what love is anymore. I used to think it's thinking someone is more wonderful than anything in the entire world. That they think you are the most magical creature. That you would do anything for him, and he for you. Fighting is expected. But no matter what, you still think and feel the same way about that person. You trust them, you are honest with them. I think when you find true love (you know, like a soulmate) there is an unexplainable bond.
I am a hundred percent positive that soulmates exist. I just don't know if most people in the world find their other half. I think some do. Others just decide to settle. Because they are afraid. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to be hurt. Or hurt others. Some maybe feel trapped because of financial situations. I will never just settle. Because I know I will try and convince myself my whole life that I did the right thing. But you shouldn't have to convince yourself. You should just know in your heart...if it is right, or if you just settling.
My dog is whimpering. And I don't understand why.
I want to be in Los Angeles.
I don't want to graduate.
But I know I have to.
I just...don't want to. I should be happy I am able to receive a good education. Sometimes I'm happy. But for the most part, I feel lost.
I know what I want. But I can't seem to get there.
I'm walking dogs. But it's not making any money. And I need a normal steady job. Plus I have my own dog to walk now...it's really just a pain. Maybe not though. Extra money. I don't understand why my dog is whimpering. I wish I had a yard for him. I am going to take him to the dog park tomorrow.
I feel a steady flow of unhappiness seeping from my pores. I am not longer on antidepressants and refuse to go back. I think I'd rather feel unhappy than nothing at all. Then again, I'd rather just be happy. Satisfied. Content.
I have rehearsal tonight. Theatre is the only thing that makes me feel like I can accomplish what I need to accomplish. It is always there.
Maybe it's boredom. I don't know.
I believe I'm moving out. And it has nothing to do with my roommates...I love them.
It's me. I so desperately need my own space.
I'm unhappy in my relationship. Things start out always wonderfully. But that flame is dying out, so it appears. I don't mean to be cliche. But really. He's never bought me flowers. Ever. He never tries to be romantic. I don't ask for romance constantly. But every once in a while...it's nice to feel like I am special, loved. But I don't. I feel used. Why do all good things have to come to an end. I don't want to end it. So I'm giving it more time. Because we love each other.
Which is funny. Jonny, long lost Jonny, called me last night. After not talking for months, he finally called me. To apologize. To tell me what is going on in his life. He has a girlfriend, or did...I'm not sure at the moment. He said they broke up last night but then he stopped texting so who knows. And we were talking, and I asked him why he loved her. He says he loves her. But why? He said he tries to convince himself that things are different than they are. I told him I know what he means.
I'm not sure what love is anymore. I used to think it's thinking someone is more wonderful than anything in the entire world. That they think you are the most magical creature. That you would do anything for him, and he for you. Fighting is expected. But no matter what, you still think and feel the same way about that person. You trust them, you are honest with them. I think when you find true love (you know, like a soulmate) there is an unexplainable bond.
I am a hundred percent positive that soulmates exist. I just don't know if most people in the world find their other half. I think some do. Others just decide to settle. Because they are afraid. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to be hurt. Or hurt others. Some maybe feel trapped because of financial situations. I will never just settle. Because I know I will try and convince myself my whole life that I did the right thing. But you shouldn't have to convince yourself. You should just know in your heart...if it is right, or if you just settling.
My dog is whimpering. And I don't understand why.
I want to be in Los Angeles.
I don't want to graduate.
But I know I have to.
I just...don't want to. I should be happy I am able to receive a good education. Sometimes I'm happy. But for the most part, I feel lost.
I know what I want. But I can't seem to get there.
I'm walking dogs. But it's not making any money. And I need a normal steady job. Plus I have my own dog to walk now...it's really just a pain. Maybe not though. Extra money. I don't understand why my dog is whimpering. I wish I had a yard for him. I am going to take him to the dog park tomorrow.
I feel a steady flow of unhappiness seeping from my pores. I am not longer on antidepressants and refuse to go back. I think I'd rather feel unhappy than nothing at all. Then again, I'd rather just be happy. Satisfied. Content.
I have rehearsal tonight. Theatre is the only thing that makes me feel like I can accomplish what I need to accomplish. It is always there.