Tired of being alone
Ok. Time to bitch time. About a lot. First of all, I'm broken about theatre. I am not acting this semester, although, I was under the impression I was going to be. I didn't audition for the mainstage show, because I wanted to work with Jay, who I worked with last year, and really enjoyed working with him and the cast on Ubu Uphill. He told us all he would love to have us again this year for Frogs, which I was so excited about. I read the play and everything. I found out on Thursday, through a friend of mine, he already cast the show. I never got an e-mail from him...nothing. I'm trying not to take it personally, but it really hurt my feelings. I ended up crying for a while. I'm not sure why, but I just...really liked working with everyone, and I still don't understand why he didn't ask me to be in it. I don't think it's very fair. There are barely any auditions in this department, so...how am I supposed to act? I am obviously not a favorite of anyones. It just...really hurts my feelings. The one thing I love to do in this world is act. It makes me calm, peaceful. It makes me feel happy and alive. And, in an educational environment, I should be doing that. That is what I am here to do...ACT and I am not getting the opportunity to do so. So, I'm thinking about going to the department and explaining to them what is going on. I honestly have no hard feelings toward anyone...I'm just kind of hurt, because I really wanted to act. And don't quite understand how I am supposed to act, if no one gives me the chance to.
I'm tired of doing bullshit work. I'm not even sure I got into a study abroad program, and honestly, I just don't care anymore about outside studies. I mean, I like to learn. I love to learn, but I feel like it is being forced upon me in certain classes. It's hard for me to care. I need to get my grades up. I am not an idiot. In fact, I think I am quite intelligent until it comes to math. But I am slacking so much because I am so fucking apathetic. But why?
I need to be acting. I feel empty. I need to feel alive.
Also, I'm tired of being alone. I'm turning into one of those people who gets pissed off / really depressed whenever I see two people together. I want someone to wake up next to in the morning. Or someone to hold my hand...kiss my cheek. I know, pathetic, right? I'm 20, and I do not need a relationship. It's not even so much I want a relationship, unless of course I find someone I want to be in a relationship with. I just want some sort of male companionship. It's not going to solve all the problems in my life, which seem to be plentiful, at the moment, but it would make me feel a little less lonely and a little less pathetic at times. I just got so used to having someone there with me...and I'm aching for it right now. Touch. Love. Passion.
I need to have more experiences. I want to go to the top of a roof. Watch stars. Go swimming in the middle of the night. I miss that. I did a lot of that this summer. It was beautiful. I miss that. I need to be more spontaneous. I'm just feeling so apathetic about school and life. Sometimes, it just seems so blah. I need moments of swimming drunk in your bra and underwear in a lake in the middle of the night with friends more often. Not really that...although, that's always good fun...but I just need...more.
I'm tired of doing bullshit work. I'm not even sure I got into a study abroad program, and honestly, I just don't care anymore about outside studies. I mean, I like to learn. I love to learn, but I feel like it is being forced upon me in certain classes. It's hard for me to care. I need to get my grades up. I am not an idiot. In fact, I think I am quite intelligent until it comes to math. But I am slacking so much because I am so fucking apathetic. But why?
I need to be acting. I feel empty. I need to feel alive.
Also, I'm tired of being alone. I'm turning into one of those people who gets pissed off / really depressed whenever I see two people together. I want someone to wake up next to in the morning. Or someone to hold my hand...kiss my cheek. I know, pathetic, right? I'm 20, and I do not need a relationship. It's not even so much I want a relationship, unless of course I find someone I want to be in a relationship with. I just want some sort of male companionship. It's not going to solve all the problems in my life, which seem to be plentiful, at the moment, but it would make me feel a little less lonely and a little less pathetic at times. I just got so used to having someone there with me...and I'm aching for it right now. Touch. Love. Passion.
I need to have more experiences. I want to go to the top of a roof. Watch stars. Go swimming in the middle of the night. I miss that. I did a lot of that this summer. It was beautiful. I miss that. I need to be more spontaneous. I'm just feeling so apathetic about school and life. Sometimes, it just seems so blah. I need moments of swimming drunk in your bra and underwear in a lake in the middle of the night with friends more often. Not really that...although, that's always good fun...but I just need...more.