love lost.
i kinda lost it the other day thinking about my ex. it worried me that maybe i still had feelings for him, but quickly realized that it wasn't the case at all.
sometimes, at night, i do think about that relationship and what it meant to me. i always hear these cliches like "oh, i'll always love you" or "i'll always care about you," and it was somewhat unnerving that i never had those thoughts. does it mean i'm callous or unfeeling? no. i don't think so. i just think that it means that i've moved on and no longer have any feelings, good or bad for him.
any residual hurt, and there is loads, i have doesn't come from feeling FOR him. rather that they come from a place of genuine heartache for love lost in general. maybe a disappointment of sorts. for instance, how can love fail? if you TRULY love someone, how can it be possible for it to not work out the way you want it to? especially if the other party is insistent they feel the same?
fear.
well hello there, old friend of mine. it's good to see you with someone new, because i definitely do not fear love anymore so you couldn't possibly be here for me. which begs the question, can it really, TRULY be love if there is fear? for myself, i say no. personally, love is the absence of fear. KNOWING that the feeling and possibilities are infinite. that NO MATTER WHAT there is laughing and loving. integrity and honesty. most importantly, communication.
i feel like i had done all of that and more. and had so desperately wanted to have been met halfway. yet there was none but disappointment and a plethora of tears. more tears than i think i have collectively spilled in my entire life. for someone, some THING (that feeling), completely undeserving. when i think of my heartache, it isn't for someone. it's for that some THING that i believed in with the utmost certainty and conviction that i questioned and doubted it when it went wrong.
i've realized i cannot doubt my feelings, which i believe for some crazy reason, are felt more deeply than most. i can't wonder about someone else's feelings either or question their validity because i am not them. i am not walking down their path or experiencing what they are. i have to let go and have peace of mind knowing that what *i* felt was real and unwavering and that i was absolute in my feelings. that i gave it my all with every fiber of my being and that until the very end i fought for what i wanted. who and what i loved and believed in. some people can't do that and settle. i will never. even if that means failed relationships. just because relationships fail, doesn't mean that love has let me down. and i must remember this.
i'm not mad at you love, just more wiser.
sometimes, at night, i do think about that relationship and what it meant to me. i always hear these cliches like "oh, i'll always love you" or "i'll always care about you," and it was somewhat unnerving that i never had those thoughts. does it mean i'm callous or unfeeling? no. i don't think so. i just think that it means that i've moved on and no longer have any feelings, good or bad for him.
any residual hurt, and there is loads, i have doesn't come from feeling FOR him. rather that they come from a place of genuine heartache for love lost in general. maybe a disappointment of sorts. for instance, how can love fail? if you TRULY love someone, how can it be possible for it to not work out the way you want it to? especially if the other party is insistent they feel the same?
fear.
well hello there, old friend of mine. it's good to see you with someone new, because i definitely do not fear love anymore so you couldn't possibly be here for me. which begs the question, can it really, TRULY be love if there is fear? for myself, i say no. personally, love is the absence of fear. KNOWING that the feeling and possibilities are infinite. that NO MATTER WHAT there is laughing and loving. integrity and honesty. most importantly, communication.
i feel like i had done all of that and more. and had so desperately wanted to have been met halfway. yet there was none but disappointment and a plethora of tears. more tears than i think i have collectively spilled in my entire life. for someone, some THING (that feeling), completely undeserving. when i think of my heartache, it isn't for someone. it's for that some THING that i believed in with the utmost certainty and conviction that i questioned and doubted it when it went wrong.
i've realized i cannot doubt my feelings, which i believe for some crazy reason, are felt more deeply than most. i can't wonder about someone else's feelings either or question their validity because i am not them. i am not walking down their path or experiencing what they are. i have to let go and have peace of mind knowing that what *i* felt was real and unwavering and that i was absolute in my feelings. that i gave it my all with every fiber of my being and that until the very end i fought for what i wanted. who and what i loved and believed in. some people can't do that and settle. i will never. even if that means failed relationships. just because relationships fail, doesn't mean that love has let me down. and i must remember this.
i'm not mad at you love, just more wiser.