a place to vent.
i honestly don't understand how caring so much can be such a bad thing. why do i have the feelings i have only to have them wasted on people who could care less? if i could just love people the way i want to my life would be a million times better. for whatever reason it seems that every relationship i wish to have, especially with family, is a giant slap in the face of a reminder that what you put out doesn't come back to you.
i hate feeling this way and always being disappointed by the hard work and effort i put into things. i do believe in some god, which i'm not entirely sure yet, but i just can't fathom how you can make someone like me and have the worst kind of people in my life. i've tried pretty much everything i can think of to have some sort of decent relationship with sisters, brothers, aunts and parents and it's always the most awful experience. let's not even get started on my romantic relationships. or lack thereof, really.
for once, i just want to feel like i belong. that i'm part of a family. and not just by the word, but really FEEL it. as i've grown up i've realized that while it's normal to have a dysfunctional family, there's always at least one person you can connect with and i've never felt that. with anyone. the only person i feel who loves me unconditionally is my kid. she doesn't care that i was a bitch 10 years ago or hold it against me that i sometimes yell. less then a minute later she's hugging me and giving me kisses.
perhaps i just need to be by myself. or rather, we need to be by our selves.
i hate feeling this way and always being disappointed by the hard work and effort i put into things. i do believe in some god, which i'm not entirely sure yet, but i just can't fathom how you can make someone like me and have the worst kind of people in my life. i've tried pretty much everything i can think of to have some sort of decent relationship with sisters, brothers, aunts and parents and it's always the most awful experience. let's not even get started on my romantic relationships. or lack thereof, really.
for once, i just want to feel like i belong. that i'm part of a family. and not just by the word, but really FEEL it. as i've grown up i've realized that while it's normal to have a dysfunctional family, there's always at least one person you can connect with and i've never felt that. with anyone. the only person i feel who loves me unconditionally is my kid. she doesn't care that i was a bitch 10 years ago or hold it against me that i sometimes yell. less then a minute later she's hugging me and giving me kisses.
perhaps i just need to be by myself. or rather, we need to be by our selves.