Jelly
So I'm starting to blog again. I'm practicing my guitar more. I'm a janitor. My life seems to be on hiatus. I'm no longer at Carleton University studying business. I'm currently saving up to go back, in other words I'm completely broke and owe a lot of money to the bank and it will take me quite awhile to get back to school. I am no longer depressed. The ending of my relationship with my ex last christmas put my life on hold for a bit. I started to smoke a lot of pot again, I took up smoking cigarettes, and had nothing to look forward to. Day 3 without cigarettes, I'm holding off so far... the anxiety is crushing at times, but for the most part I don't even notice. Dreaming big lately, coming to realize I can save money if I take up non expensive hobbies. Practicing alternate picking, forcing myself to keep my thumb at the back of the neck, and only letting my finger tips touch the strings. Working on the same exercise over and over. My plan is to work on this book which basically works on your dexterity with your fingers through exercises... eventually teaching you how to improvise on the spot -- like making your own little solo to a chord progression -- which I think is exactly what I want to learn. I guess I'll mix it up by practicing chords on other days. Eventually though, I will hope to learn the theory parallel to learning the notes and reading music. As in seeing and playing without looking where to position my hands. I have the guitar. I have the books, and I have the motivation... so why not!?
I haven't been exercising much lately. That is what I should start picking up. Work my way to an hour a day of running. Eventually throw 3 days a week at the gym. I guess what I want out of life is to find things I like, discover my limits, and work towards going beyond anything that stands in my way... extending what limits me. Like running for example.. run further, faster, etc. Life can be mundane if I sit around and close my mind to it... but I'm starting to see just how important dreams are. Where do I see myself in 5 years? Not necessarily working my 'dream job,' but essentially who do I see myself as? Some overweight fellow who doesn't live life to the fullest? Or some guy that has learnt from mistakes and continues to make improvements along the way of living life to the absolute fullest? And what I want is essentially what I have to do than just allow the dream to be enough. Blah.
I met this pretty cool guy, Michael Hansen... he seems to be doing a lot of the stuff I've wanted to get into.. sky diving, cycling, running... and he's on his way to a career in geology to fascinating stuff that he himself loves... I admire that. Lately I've just hung around people who seem to dream but never really work towards making them real. I can emphasize with that because as you dream of a goal, you can get lost in that world of 'okay if I'm like this, then this could happen and ahhhh... that'd be awesome.' -- I just half as much sense as I was intending to.. but the point is I just need to start manifesting my dreams into reality than just letting them pass and going with the flow of time like some ride I have no control of. The truth is I do have control. I make a choice every single second to either sit or stand, walk here or there, continue with the same boring routine day by day.. And yeah..
So, back to work soon. Two more hours and I'm home. Practice guitar for a bit, maybe open a book... and slowly progress into a better future. As for love... my current view is to just let things be. I don't really want to fall in love until I have my life on track the way I want it to be. School, activities and interests, etc. And when the time comes that I do meet someone special, I want to feel like I can protect them from anything, and be myself in the process. I'm not really interested in the dating game. I don't like flings and sex is great and all but it just doesn't drive me to want to hook up with random chicks. It's not my thing. I'm just weird that way.