State of the misadventurer
Originally published at Never a dull moment. Please leave any comments there.
And I’m done for round one. All I have to say is ‘phew!’ and ‘thank heavens for sertraline’.
This week has been gruelling to say the least. From travelling 140 miles and having two interviews in one day, to getting rejected just before an interview. This has been one hell of a week, it’s been a real challenge to my resilience and character too. Being probed deeply about my skills and experience, background, life choices, everything. My brain feels like it’s been scoured from the inside, and I’m not sure what’s left in there right now.
I can’t rest on my laurels though. I have the potential for a second interview next week, and that will be less fun. That will be the full HR inquisition and a presentation to boot. There’s no sense getting stressed about it though, it’s yet to come in and the subject of the presentation has yet to be picked. I need to make sure I’m on my game and I keep my wits sharp. However, some down time is needed and I shall spend the long weekend with the people I love doing things I want to, all in the name of spoon recovery.
I come back to the point of ‘thank god for sertraline’. Right now I’m not convinced I could have coped with this week without it. I don’t think I could have dealt with being rejected just before attending an interview. I think that would have completely sapped my mood and my enthusiasm. Instead I was able to put it into perspective and go into the interview slightly nervous but with enthusiasm and energy. I said a few things I shouldn’t have in hindsight, though I’ll ascribe that to nerves and the fact it was a very relaxed interview from the start.
So now I’m here, idly flitting between websites and coming down from the adrenaline. I’m hopeful of a good result in the near future and I’m looking forward to whichever opportunity comes along first. I’ve also taken the step of informing the HMRC that I am a sole trader no longer. This is a big move on my part as it does signal that those days are behind me and I want to return to full time work for somebody else. I didn’t really think a lot about the decision, I just filled in the form and did it.
I know I can be this person off sertraline, I know I can be this enthusiastic happy joyful soul. It’s just that circumstances and the like have brought depression to the fore and that has altered my personality. I know now that people crapping all over me does not help, and I have internalised what they’ve said. One of the things I need to learn is to ignore that, to ignore those words and to shrug off the slings and arrows of others. To let their words bounce off, or to fight back when I think they are being unfair or unrepresentative of my skills. I have depression, it’s part of who I am and it will make visits on occasion. This does not mean I’m a bad person or that I have no skills. It means I have a condition that saps my energy and clouds the truth of what I am capable of. It’s a dull wet blanket of meh that hides the light that shines from within me. I’m prone to it, my upbringing, personality type, and life experiences mean I will get depressed from time to time. I’m starting to accept that now and starting to look at ways to avoid the triggers. Not taking criticism to heart I think is the main one, recognising the early warning signs of depression and getting treatment quickly is another. I may not be able to avoid every episode, but I sure as hell can mitigate the effects. Hell’s teeth, I’m a project manager, isn’t mitigating issues a core part of what I do for a living?
I’m feeling much more optimistic this time around, I have a much better sense of where I am, where I want to be, and how to avoid being here again. And that’s a great place to be.