(no subject)
I'm so incredably pissed right now I want to throw up! I hate hate hate hate hate whats happening. Its like I'm in a drama sit com. It's like God is doing things to show me something and opening my eyes. I'm so furious right now and I dont ever think I can get over this. My heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on millions and millions of times and its just mush. How ironic is my night. It's all coming together now and I'm just starting to realize things. All this time I've been lied to and believed things that I wish I never believed. I'm so sick of the word sorry. I never want to have to hear it again. It's weird, when your so incredably pissed at someone sorry seams so empty and doesnt really cut it, doesn't sound very sencere. But then when your on the other end of the sorry its like your putting your whole freaking heart into it and the other person doesnt want to except it. I hate that feeling more then anything. I'm tired of people acting like I'm such a horrible person and being assholes to me. I'm not a horrible person. I'm a good person and I'm tired of people not giving me enough credit. I'd just like to say for the record that I love Jessica and Edgar for being here for me tonight and to witness all these things. Today is so damn weird. I'm in shock of it all. After this whole miss hap ironically I ran into Brandon. Gee...Isn't that funny. I didn't talk to him much, but I could have. All we did was say hi to eachother. And he hugged me while I was upset for about one min. I wish I could excape from this place. All this drama is happening on the one week that matters the most. On top of the drama I have a cold, all my work is due in English and I havent done it, the quarter ends, I have to do four posters (2 garage and 2 normal), and all the other homecoming crap. Not to mention find a date and find a way to do my hair and stop from stressing. Am I going insame? I honestly think that I am. I never in my life want to be that made ever again. I totally lost it. A weird feeling came over me and I lost complete control over myself. I seriously wanted to hurt someone so bad. I'm afraid of myself when I get angry. I dont ever what to end up doing something that I'll regret or have to pay for later on in life. Being angry isn't healthy for you and I really wish I wouldnt be angry. I hate the sense of no self control and not being able to calm down to be reasonable and think. That has never happened to me before until tonight. I could have killed. But I left insted of doing something really dumb. I'm so embarrassed I let myself get so mad over something so stupid. I'm better then this and can get better and deserve better. This is what God is telling me.