I cannot believe that I am back here
Thought of the hours is that seemingly I am remarkably free from engaging heavily in very very addictive behaviors. I have found myself very very very very mmmm, moderated. There was a time when I certainly engaged and enjoyed psychadelics. Many many many times, and thankfully I no longer do that, however the strange thing is that mmmm, there had been a trip that had been truly terrible. The thing about it, one of those looking around wildly in a state of accelerating panic just like practically any build-up./ Looking around wildly in a crisp state of chemical frustration. A single diamond tiny shpere of sweat propels off the brow in a slow motion display of centrifugal force and a sputtering whimper pierces the metal hard air. The most dreamlike phenomena of waking life is the uncanny similarity of a moment mistaken for the reality of that moment that we pause and of that where we find depth. And in saying depth hopefully I relay something of importance. How I yearn to be understood all the tie and sometimes frustratingly so. And so, this fry fest, this trip I refer to, the look of panic, pupils the distant focus of the tunnel lense effect for emphasis. Emphasis only. The slightest indicator at the chemical reaction on the inside.
At any rate, what caused this reaction in me had been a subtle realization that in fact I had been made to realize that either I had depleted my entire supply of pleasure inducing slime in my brain or else what I was experiencing was an example of not up not down but just in the middle and not liking it so much.
Funny how there can be experieinced defined by good and bad yet the exists also another level of liking or not liking this good and bad, where things can get confused if we like the bad or dislike the good. Where exactly does this come into play? I wonder.
Flash back. Flash back of a not so nice experience it had not to do with anything so real. Not anything so very real. Saul, thinking about people who do not truley give a fuck. There we find shame. Purity distilled purity. With nothing to hide behind.
Very intense movie. Oh man. I liked it. It was a good story, good actors. I was glad that the girl somewhat made it, I am saddened however at the group of angst and that people know they really do know that there is a point that one can admit that one has fucked ones life up. Okay so one can admit that ours lives are fucked and then there is the point of just asking the question, okya? so what now? Honestly? What now?
I have this belief that I am constantly being lusted after. I know that I cna do this at home, but I would not like to so much. I wonder if I should do the things now that I safely have those things that I have put off. I am just happy that I don;t have so much to put up with the work place. Ah. I feel relief at knowing that I can say these things, write these things and have the drama of it melt away. I feel tricked if there is too much excitement at first. I feel dubious and too poilite in a relationship if it begins with the exuberant dream of spiritual nirvana for the both of us when the two of us are together. I want. I want something more blunt. I know that I want to get over my judgementalness. I know that I admire and hate blunt straightforward talk.
At any rate, what caused this reaction in me had been a subtle realization that in fact I had been made to realize that either I had depleted my entire supply of pleasure inducing slime in my brain or else what I was experiencing was an example of not up not down but just in the middle and not liking it so much.
Funny how there can be experieinced defined by good and bad yet the exists also another level of liking or not liking this good and bad, where things can get confused if we like the bad or dislike the good. Where exactly does this come into play? I wonder.
Flash back. Flash back of a not so nice experience it had not to do with anything so real. Not anything so very real. Saul, thinking about people who do not truley give a fuck. There we find shame. Purity distilled purity. With nothing to hide behind.
Very intense movie. Oh man. I liked it. It was a good story, good actors. I was glad that the girl somewhat made it, I am saddened however at the group of angst and that people know they really do know that there is a point that one can admit that one has fucked ones life up. Okay so one can admit that ours lives are fucked and then there is the point of just asking the question, okya? so what now? Honestly? What now?
I have this belief that I am constantly being lusted after. I know that I cna do this at home, but I would not like to so much. I wonder if I should do the things now that I safely have those things that I have put off. I am just happy that I don;t have so much to put up with the work place. Ah. I feel relief at knowing that I can say these things, write these things and have the drama of it melt away. I feel tricked if there is too much excitement at first. I feel dubious and too poilite in a relationship if it begins with the exuberant dream of spiritual nirvana for the both of us when the two of us are together. I want. I want something more blunt. I know that I want to get over my judgementalness. I know that I admire and hate blunt straightforward talk.