(no subject)
Oh well. i suppose there is something to be said as well today. The thing to be said today oh for certain is that I woke up missing my baby. In a certain way I wish to hear all the love songs that I can while I am awake or something to revive the deadening side of me that is smellface in a break up. This is my first sober break up. but one pattern that I find a little strange is that although this is the most official breakup of a relationship that was certainly meaningful, I intentionally broke off contact with at least two other people since getting sober. Actually three people. The first was trav. Yet again I stopped interacting with him AT ALL. second was K. I was in no place to be getting into cars with boys. men as this was. So I stopped talking to him too. I hope that he is alright. He liked me I know. It was straight sexual although. i mean the attraction. Not the bond. Also the persons to whom I said that I was unavailable during the time of woo with my sweetheart. Two for sure that I can think of.
Anyway. I woke p thinking about him. I miss him. i am going through J. withdraw. Seriously. So bad that all of yesterday i was pining for a cigarette. And seriously considering one too. I have not smoked in almost seven months. I do not wish to ever smoke again. jorge was the one who helped me quit. I knew him for ten days no joke before I had quit again. The first time was for ten months or so. To say the truth it just felt wrong when I did it. So much of my body was telling me not to. The dream that I had with him in it most recently was him and I he told me "I ......will........love you my whole life." It was very labored. In fact it makes me sad thinking about it. I miss him like I said...He. Jorge, helped me with an attitude adjustment that we shall call "bring it on!" Basically that once I know that I am dealing with cravings, I recognize them (becuase I know what they are) and say What's up, bring it on playa. Hmm. Funny this mode of talking.
I am greatful becuase at a time I had wanted the ease of colloquial words such as "baby" (endearing actually) "darling" "Playa" "doll" "child"...Well I am very excited about my life at the moment. Now cannot be always for me. I don't understand how people can say that. now is not forever. I do not experience everything Now. There are filters to be put through. The only time I felt as though that all there was was in the right now...was when I was blazed off my hieney, or...in the realm of schizophrenia. The funny thing is, out of all my writings, out of all my writings, I have the most bestest acount of my history through my writings here. And..one of these days I am going to learn how to type. (Hm Ha)
how to become a writer. How to become a writer and enrich all those parts of life that are deemed important in my soul. I d believe that there will be a miracle today. That there will be a miracle today like other days as well. I love life in this way. i would like to say more about how he helpe me find out things about me that were truely special indeed. I can't believe for how long I was jealous though. And please forgive me because there are other ways I felt and different words for those feelings, but that was the most "pop-y" word I know for it. When she was in the room, I knew. I knew when they were sharing that that he was very far away from me. this leaves me weak in the eyes. I just knew that is was pain. That was a very bad day for me. I just knew. I knew and I was furious. Furious at what he had said all along. If he figured out anything about himself then I will be happy. I hope that he finds a way to live out his dreams. I hope he makes a first stab at his project. that day, that day we had sex and it was wrong. There was a change. we shouldn't have done it. We should not have done it then. it was sick. This event may very well cause a wrinkle in my forehead from the deep frown that surfaced.
But I cannot, I cannot go so deep into what it was about him. I cannot becuase I must spread this time out to other things such as writing email to brother and aunt. And friend. Oh, to be write. to be right. to be right all the time. to be perfect. Grace help me know.
Anyway. I woke p thinking about him. I miss him. i am going through J. withdraw. Seriously. So bad that all of yesterday i was pining for a cigarette. And seriously considering one too. I have not smoked in almost seven months. I do not wish to ever smoke again. jorge was the one who helped me quit. I knew him for ten days no joke before I had quit again. The first time was for ten months or so. To say the truth it just felt wrong when I did it. So much of my body was telling me not to. The dream that I had with him in it most recently was him and I he told me "I ......will........love you my whole life." It was very labored. In fact it makes me sad thinking about it. I miss him like I said...He. Jorge, helped me with an attitude adjustment that we shall call "bring it on!" Basically that once I know that I am dealing with cravings, I recognize them (becuase I know what they are) and say What's up, bring it on playa. Hmm. Funny this mode of talking.
I am greatful becuase at a time I had wanted the ease of colloquial words such as "baby" (endearing actually) "darling" "Playa" "doll" "child"...Well I am very excited about my life at the moment. Now cannot be always for me. I don't understand how people can say that. now is not forever. I do not experience everything Now. There are filters to be put through. The only time I felt as though that all there was was in the right now...was when I was blazed off my hieney, or...in the realm of schizophrenia. The funny thing is, out of all my writings, out of all my writings, I have the most bestest acount of my history through my writings here. And..one of these days I am going to learn how to type. (Hm Ha)
how to become a writer. How to become a writer and enrich all those parts of life that are deemed important in my soul. I d believe that there will be a miracle today. That there will be a miracle today like other days as well. I love life in this way. i would like to say more about how he helpe me find out things about me that were truely special indeed. I can't believe for how long I was jealous though. And please forgive me because there are other ways I felt and different words for those feelings, but that was the most "pop-y" word I know for it. When she was in the room, I knew. I knew when they were sharing that that he was very far away from me. this leaves me weak in the eyes. I just knew that is was pain. That was a very bad day for me. I just knew. I knew and I was furious. Furious at what he had said all along. If he figured out anything about himself then I will be happy. I hope that he finds a way to live out his dreams. I hope he makes a first stab at his project. that day, that day we had sex and it was wrong. There was a change. we shouldn't have done it. We should not have done it then. it was sick. This event may very well cause a wrinkle in my forehead from the deep frown that surfaced.
But I cannot, I cannot go so deep into what it was about him. I cannot becuase I must spread this time out to other things such as writing email to brother and aunt. And friend. Oh, to be write. to be right. to be right all the time. to be perfect. Grace help me know.