(no subject)
I do not feel like I can open up to him right now. My words are full of poison today. I desire to have a happy meeting. I plan on doing this alright. I will make myslef and show myself creatively.
I am here. I get no word though. I don't know what to think. i guess I would try to make things right with him. I am hesitant to go back there tonight though. I am really angry at me right now. I am super stressed and I don't want to be around him. he sounded nice. I was upset at his email. i need to focus on recovery for the next couple of hours now. I am also in mneed of some food. Real food.
I am confused and hurt. I hate this life at the moment. I was thinking about suicde because I felt such despair
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Saved draft I might as well continue. I am awake now. I woke up. Starting to panic. No need to. I will create a list. i must weed today. i must weed today. I need my phone charger. I thought I gave it to her. I must have not. I dreamt that it was raining and there was a convertible car it was filling with rain. I was like oh now we have to do something. I called my uncle he was there. Then I got in and somehow started to float away in it. I float away and was scareed. I knew I had to scream or something. It was rushing water and it was dark. I saw someone on the dock
AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! I am so pisse doff. It is not fair. I will have to recover over this gracefully. Okay. It comes to my attention. I NEED A COMMITMENT. That is what I need . Bayfriend. Someone who is with me until they are not. Until they are not. Until they are not. I am so fucking pissed. So fucking pissed. I need to recover from this. i am so full of resentment and I begin to pray for all the wonderful things. I pray for someone to be with him til he dies. For wonderful friends and romance. For someone who surprises him and is different than anyone else. Someone who knows themselves fully and can stand up for their self on what it is they KNOW to be true in a kind articulate manner. I pray that he find financial success. I pray for relief through tears. I pray for relief from anger. I pray for complete healing. For understanding of the individual who is hurting. I need to have him know he is a unique special individual and his heart beats for one person only...individually apart from other organs.
And for myself I pray for understanding and forgiveness. I pray to accept that people are sick and show it in different ways. I pray to live presently and grow thgouh it instead of holding on to this past thing. To accept the things I can't change courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. We have serenity, courage, change as a verb, wisdom and knowledge.
I need to be at peace and this helps. I am vulnerable and this sucks. I actually need to get off this chair and start doing things.
burst of tears. moments of prayer, preening, phone call, email check, stone in throat, phone call, decision making heading out the door.
I am here. I get no word though. I don't know what to think. i guess I would try to make things right with him. I am hesitant to go back there tonight though. I am really angry at me right now. I am super stressed and I don't want to be around him. he sounded nice. I was upset at his email. i need to focus on recovery for the next couple of hours now. I am also in mneed of some food. Real food.
I am confused and hurt. I hate this life at the moment. I was thinking about suicde because I felt such despair
***********************
Saved draft I might as well continue. I am awake now. I woke up. Starting to panic. No need to. I will create a list. i must weed today. i must weed today. I need my phone charger. I thought I gave it to her. I must have not. I dreamt that it was raining and there was a convertible car it was filling with rain. I was like oh now we have to do something. I called my uncle he was there. Then I got in and somehow started to float away in it. I float away and was scareed. I knew I had to scream or something. It was rushing water and it was dark. I saw someone on the dock
AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! I am so pisse doff. It is not fair. I will have to recover over this gracefully. Okay. It comes to my attention. I NEED A COMMITMENT. That is what I need . Bayfriend. Someone who is with me until they are not. Until they are not. Until they are not. I am so fucking pissed. So fucking pissed. I need to recover from this. i am so full of resentment and I begin to pray for all the wonderful things. I pray for someone to be with him til he dies. For wonderful friends and romance. For someone who surprises him and is different than anyone else. Someone who knows themselves fully and can stand up for their self on what it is they KNOW to be true in a kind articulate manner. I pray that he find financial success. I pray for relief through tears. I pray for relief from anger. I pray for complete healing. For understanding of the individual who is hurting. I need to have him know he is a unique special individual and his heart beats for one person only...individually apart from other organs.
And for myself I pray for understanding and forgiveness. I pray to accept that people are sick and show it in different ways. I pray to live presently and grow thgouh it instead of holding on to this past thing. To accept the things I can't change courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. We have serenity, courage, change as a verb, wisdom and knowledge.
I need to be at peace and this helps. I am vulnerable and this sucks. I actually need to get off this chair and start doing things.
burst of tears. moments of prayer, preening, phone call, email check, stone in throat, phone call, decision making heading out the door.