(no subject)
It's funny, I can't remember my first impressions of the people I care about the most. Is it because it was so long ago? Is it that I just know them so well now that those initial thoughts never even mattered? I'm not sure if I think anything when I meet anyone.
Yet sometimes it just feels right. I've met people who within a second I felt some attachment to and things worked well and other times it went so wrong. I think they go so wrong more often then not. For instance, nearly every silly crush I've had the past 2 or so years. My first impression was "WOW!" which quickly turned into "no."
Sometimes in my guts though I feel like I know the inevitable. It is the things that I can never imagine. The things that I have trouble understanding. The things that I almost don't want. I think I can tell the difference between the things I want and know I can't get and the things that I feel will eventually be mine despite not knowing if I want it or not.
What is the not knowing? Am I just scared? Should I trust the gut feeling? Is the gut feeling just hormones? Has my gut ever been right? Have I ever even felt a gut feeling? Is it just self-esteem problems that make me think I don't want it because I think I don't deserve it? I think its just fear though. Fear that I'm wrong and then I'll have nothing.
Time will tell. We'll see. These are the things that keep my eyes wide open at night.
Yet sometimes it just feels right. I've met people who within a second I felt some attachment to and things worked well and other times it went so wrong. I think they go so wrong more often then not. For instance, nearly every silly crush I've had the past 2 or so years. My first impression was "WOW!" which quickly turned into "no."
Sometimes in my guts though I feel like I know the inevitable. It is the things that I can never imagine. The things that I have trouble understanding. The things that I almost don't want. I think I can tell the difference between the things I want and know I can't get and the things that I feel will eventually be mine despite not knowing if I want it or not.
What is the not knowing? Am I just scared? Should I trust the gut feeling? Is the gut feeling just hormones? Has my gut ever been right? Have I ever even felt a gut feeling? Is it just self-esteem problems that make me think I don't want it because I think I don't deserve it? I think its just fear though. Fear that I'm wrong and then I'll have nothing.
Time will tell. We'll see. These are the things that keep my eyes wide open at night.