Finally!!
I write. I write in my LJ. It's been a while and I don't really know where to start.
Hobby and I are now talking on a regular basis. He actually showed up at my parents place, out of the blue and uninvited, a couple days after I wrote my last post. I just, opened the door and there he was. I didn't say anything because I was in shock, as you can imagine, but he just smiled and gave me a hug. I didn't hug him back and he whispered in my ear,"I've missed you."
My mom heard the bell ring so she came to the door a few seconds after me. She had been in the kitchen making homemade mini pizzas because she's the fucking bomb. She wiped her hands off of pizza sauce and said,"Ahh look who's here." Except she had a smile on her face and gave him a hug, so it wasn't a bad "ahh look who's here". My mom does not, and will not ever, know all the little details of Hobby and I's relationship. I think it would either kill her or she'd kill him. So I tell her little bits and that is all.
My stepdad came to the door after that because I'm sure he heard my mom say "ahh look who's here" and wanted to know exactly who "who" was. My stepdad does not like Hobby. We all know he doesn't but he doesn't ever give anyone any reasons as to why. He just says,"He's alright," and gives a quick shrug of his shoulders. I wonder if this is the "dad" in him just being protective?? Not as if he's ever, EVER, been much of a dad to me. Anyways, as soon as he saw Hobby his pace slowed and he put his hands in his pockets and kind of squinted his eyes at Hobby. He said hello only after Hobby said hello to him.
My mom invited Hobby to the kitchen to join us for dinner. Hobby said "Sure" of course and followed my mom. It took me a second to start following them though. I just didn't get why he was there, why he had come, what his plan for the evening was? Did he think I'd go back with him??
After we ate dinner he asked if he could talk to them without me. I laughed aloud. But my mom said that was fine so I went into another room and watched tv. I wasn't really phased at all though. I didn't even care to listen in on the conversations. I just didn't care. My mom came into the room about 5 minutes later maybe. She was smiling and said,"He really loves you ya know."
I honestly don't even want to write any of this. It just makes me mad. So to shorten it, he basically told them that he loves me more than anything, wants to be with me and the baby, blah blah blah.
My mom is pro this idea because she thinks the baby needs 'it's father'. I couldn't really debate with the line,"But he's an asshole" so instead I debated with the "well I can't live in that house anymore. It's a stye and smelly and I'm sure there's chemicals galore floating around. I can't be around that shit pregnant." So, there plan for me is this:
I'll get a job in their town.
I'll save up money.
When I've saved up enough money to move out of their house, I'll move out.
They of course presume this last step involves moving out with Hobby. I haven't figured my way around this plan yet unfortunately.
I have found a job though, which has kept me very busy. I've also managed to save up a tiny bit of money. Hobby calls every night, always saying the sweetest and most perfect things of course, but I usually just tell him I'm tired and need to go to bed. I've only seen him once more since that last time he came. I spent his entire visit literally throwing up in the bathroom. That's my new pregnancy thing now: throwing up. The week before that it was a really bad cold. The week before that it was a UTI. And the week before that it was eating everything edible in sight. I've gained 4 pounds already. Boooo. I've probably lost it all with this throwing up thing. Booo. I miss eating. I even eat meat now!! I know, I shouldn't. But the baby wants Big Macs and french fries and KFC, so that's what Baby gets. I still call myself a vegetarian though, is that wrong? I just figure it's the baby wanting those things, not me. Not MEEEE.
I have a belly now. It's little with Baby, big with Big Macs. But, either way, I can't suck it in which is bizare to me. I stand in front of the mirror, looking at my belly, and when I suck in it goes nowhere. Weirdness. I'll post pictures with my fatness soon ok?
Sooo, I hate talking about Hobby. Is this ok? I just don't really want to talk about him. I don't even spend time thinking about him. I'm so focused on working and saving money and preparing for this baby. I read two baby books every week and catch up on my ASL/sign language as well since that's what I want to teach the baby. I'm so excited about the baby. I'm a little sad about me and Hobby, but I mostly try not to think about anything. I don't know what's going to happen. But I don't pretend to either. Sometimes I think about running away so he'll never find us, and sometimes I make little plans in my head where he can have the baby on these days of the week, and we'll have small get togethers, and we'll be friendly to eachother for the baby's sake, but we won't be together anymore. Sometimes I'm fine with not being with him anymore but then I hate the idea of him being with someone else and that someone else being around my baby. Who's this strange woman around my baby? I hate that scenario in my head. Although, he still thinks we're together, he just think I need time and space and that I'll come around. He says to me,"I love you, and I know you still love me," and that's usually when I end the conversation.
I just puked....
Fuck this new pregnancy phase SUCKS.
I'll try and write more often. Love you guys!
XX
Hobby and I are now talking on a regular basis. He actually showed up at my parents place, out of the blue and uninvited, a couple days after I wrote my last post. I just, opened the door and there he was. I didn't say anything because I was in shock, as you can imagine, but he just smiled and gave me a hug. I didn't hug him back and he whispered in my ear,"I've missed you."
My mom heard the bell ring so she came to the door a few seconds after me. She had been in the kitchen making homemade mini pizzas because she's the fucking bomb. She wiped her hands off of pizza sauce and said,"Ahh look who's here." Except she had a smile on her face and gave him a hug, so it wasn't a bad "ahh look who's here". My mom does not, and will not ever, know all the little details of Hobby and I's relationship. I think it would either kill her or she'd kill him. So I tell her little bits and that is all.
My stepdad came to the door after that because I'm sure he heard my mom say "ahh look who's here" and wanted to know exactly who "who" was. My stepdad does not like Hobby. We all know he doesn't but he doesn't ever give anyone any reasons as to why. He just says,"He's alright," and gives a quick shrug of his shoulders. I wonder if this is the "dad" in him just being protective?? Not as if he's ever, EVER, been much of a dad to me. Anyways, as soon as he saw Hobby his pace slowed and he put his hands in his pockets and kind of squinted his eyes at Hobby. He said hello only after Hobby said hello to him.
My mom invited Hobby to the kitchen to join us for dinner. Hobby said "Sure" of course and followed my mom. It took me a second to start following them though. I just didn't get why he was there, why he had come, what his plan for the evening was? Did he think I'd go back with him??
After we ate dinner he asked if he could talk to them without me. I laughed aloud. But my mom said that was fine so I went into another room and watched tv. I wasn't really phased at all though. I didn't even care to listen in on the conversations. I just didn't care. My mom came into the room about 5 minutes later maybe. She was smiling and said,"He really loves you ya know."
I honestly don't even want to write any of this. It just makes me mad. So to shorten it, he basically told them that he loves me more than anything, wants to be with me and the baby, blah blah blah.
My mom is pro this idea because she thinks the baby needs 'it's father'. I couldn't really debate with the line,"But he's an asshole" so instead I debated with the "well I can't live in that house anymore. It's a stye and smelly and I'm sure there's chemicals galore floating around. I can't be around that shit pregnant." So, there plan for me is this:
I'll get a job in their town.
I'll save up money.
When I've saved up enough money to move out of their house, I'll move out.
They of course presume this last step involves moving out with Hobby. I haven't figured my way around this plan yet unfortunately.
I have found a job though, which has kept me very busy. I've also managed to save up a tiny bit of money. Hobby calls every night, always saying the sweetest and most perfect things of course, but I usually just tell him I'm tired and need to go to bed. I've only seen him once more since that last time he came. I spent his entire visit literally throwing up in the bathroom. That's my new pregnancy thing now: throwing up. The week before that it was a really bad cold. The week before that it was a UTI. And the week before that it was eating everything edible in sight. I've gained 4 pounds already. Boooo. I've probably lost it all with this throwing up thing. Booo. I miss eating. I even eat meat now!! I know, I shouldn't. But the baby wants Big Macs and french fries and KFC, so that's what Baby gets. I still call myself a vegetarian though, is that wrong? I just figure it's the baby wanting those things, not me. Not MEEEE.
I have a belly now. It's little with Baby, big with Big Macs. But, either way, I can't suck it in which is bizare to me. I stand in front of the mirror, looking at my belly, and when I suck in it goes nowhere. Weirdness. I'll post pictures with my fatness soon ok?
Sooo, I hate talking about Hobby. Is this ok? I just don't really want to talk about him. I don't even spend time thinking about him. I'm so focused on working and saving money and preparing for this baby. I read two baby books every week and catch up on my ASL/sign language as well since that's what I want to teach the baby. I'm so excited about the baby. I'm a little sad about me and Hobby, but I mostly try not to think about anything. I don't know what's going to happen. But I don't pretend to either. Sometimes I think about running away so he'll never find us, and sometimes I make little plans in my head where he can have the baby on these days of the week, and we'll have small get togethers, and we'll be friendly to eachother for the baby's sake, but we won't be together anymore. Sometimes I'm fine with not being with him anymore but then I hate the idea of him being with someone else and that someone else being around my baby. Who's this strange woman around my baby? I hate that scenario in my head. Although, he still thinks we're together, he just think I need time and space and that I'll come around. He says to me,"I love you, and I know you still love me," and that's usually when I end the conversation.
I just puked....
Fuck this new pregnancy phase SUCKS.
I'll try and write more often. Love you guys!
XX