Felt like typing for a little bit.
I really don't know what to do with life at this point. I am happy a good portion of the time but I am always tired and it is starting to wear on me. I think I need to start working out again, speaking of which, I still need to cancel my membership at Lifetime. I keep forgetting to do things or telling myself that I don't have the time to do things. Even when I say that I know that I spend at least an hour a day sitting on the couch or going out with friends. I really need to find my motivation, I don't want to coast through life and that is what I am afraid I am doing.
I need to go to school. I need to travel. I need to do SOMETHING. I used to like having fairly regulated schedule but now it is starting to drive me up a wall. I want to get a job where I would have to travel, go do seasonal jobs and things like that, but while I have a boyfriend that is not possible. He says he would be alright with it, but honestly I don't like talking on the phone and I barely even like talking on the computer anymore. I can't do long distance friendships so I can't imagine a long distance relationship working out. When either of us travels we find time each day to talk but that is for a week or two at most. I don't think my ADD would be able to keep that up much longer.
I have also become a rancid bitch, I don't know how that happened, but honestly I really don't like many of the people I talk to daily. I merely talk to them because I think it can benefit me in some way eventually or for the fact that it amuses me at the time. I always censor myself too now and it is annoying, my patience level has died. I used to think that I wanted to build myself a steady life with a house I would always go back to, but I don't know anymore, it is still a novel idea but I don't think it fits with me anymore. Maybe I should just get back on my effexor. I am sick of being tired.
I guess I just feel stuck. Stuck or as if I am waiting on my real life to begin.
Oh well, there are many other things going through my head on that subject that I am going to censor again, maybe some other time I will post them on here.
Typing out my thoughts is my therapy. Writing is much too slow for me.
I really do like my boyfriend but I think he is starting to feel stuck with me, but that could just be my paranoia. I don't know. I just think there is something he isn't telling me or that he really doesn't like me very much. It has only been 8 or 9 months so I shouldn't expect him to be completely devoted to me, but I don't like wasting my time so I at least want to know if there is going to be the possibility for that. He does make me quite happy as I feel like we are in a partnership, well at least in planning what we want to do and such. I have the same problem that every girl has with men, he doesn't talk about his feelings enough. Which honestly, all I want him to say is how much he wants and needs me. I want to know why he is with me, because even after dating this long he still hasn't told me. I do want a steady relationship, I don't like things moving slowly though, I know that is very high school of me, but hey, I never dated in high school. I still do hold back some of myself from him just so I wouldn't be devastated if he decided I wasn't for him anymore. I really hope he won't do that, but you never know.
This is a post about paranoia and headaches.
Maybe one day I will be normal.
I need to go to school. I need to travel. I need to do SOMETHING. I used to like having fairly regulated schedule but now it is starting to drive me up a wall. I want to get a job where I would have to travel, go do seasonal jobs and things like that, but while I have a boyfriend that is not possible. He says he would be alright with it, but honestly I don't like talking on the phone and I barely even like talking on the computer anymore. I can't do long distance friendships so I can't imagine a long distance relationship working out. When either of us travels we find time each day to talk but that is for a week or two at most. I don't think my ADD would be able to keep that up much longer.
I have also become a rancid bitch, I don't know how that happened, but honestly I really don't like many of the people I talk to daily. I merely talk to them because I think it can benefit me in some way eventually or for the fact that it amuses me at the time. I always censor myself too now and it is annoying, my patience level has died. I used to think that I wanted to build myself a steady life with a house I would always go back to, but I don't know anymore, it is still a novel idea but I don't think it fits with me anymore. Maybe I should just get back on my effexor. I am sick of being tired.
I guess I just feel stuck. Stuck or as if I am waiting on my real life to begin.
Oh well, there are many other things going through my head on that subject that I am going to censor again, maybe some other time I will post them on here.
Typing out my thoughts is my therapy. Writing is much too slow for me.
I really do like my boyfriend but I think he is starting to feel stuck with me, but that could just be my paranoia. I don't know. I just think there is something he isn't telling me or that he really doesn't like me very much. It has only been 8 or 9 months so I shouldn't expect him to be completely devoted to me, but I don't like wasting my time so I at least want to know if there is going to be the possibility for that. He does make me quite happy as I feel like we are in a partnership, well at least in planning what we want to do and such. I have the same problem that every girl has with men, he doesn't talk about his feelings enough. Which honestly, all I want him to say is how much he wants and needs me. I want to know why he is with me, because even after dating this long he still hasn't told me. I do want a steady relationship, I don't like things moving slowly though, I know that is very high school of me, but hey, I never dated in high school. I still do hold back some of myself from him just so I wouldn't be devastated if he decided I wasn't for him anymore. I really hope he won't do that, but you never know.
This is a post about paranoia and headaches.
Maybe one day I will be normal.